Under Lock and Key

Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I had a chastity belt...

Confession: I didn't actually know whether or not chastity belts really existed until yesterday. Over the years, I had seen movies or heard jokes making reference to the "virginity protection device" that I always secretly assumed was a myth of medieval culture. Sure, Maid Marion had one, but I'm not sure the Hollywood version of Robin Hood is the most reliable source of historical accuracy.

So, while sipping my Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks yesterday, I decided to do some research...

And I'm here to tell you that YES, the chastity belt DOES actually exist! If you're struggling with a visual at the moment, just picture "panties of steel," secured with a lock and key. Indeed, THE most literal protection a young damsel can get to help ensure her purity. The key to unlock the chastity belt, medieval tradition has it, can only be obtained by a maiden's true love...and even then, only on her wedding night. Wow! What an invention...

Tossing any sort of kinky bondage fantasy aside, think about the practicality of such a thing! The polar opposite of the "Easy-access" crotch-less panty, the "Try-as-you-might-but-you're-not-getting-up-in-here" chastity belt offers fool-proof protection. Not only does it prevent lustful men from entering the sacred territory, but it also has the added benefit of keeping a young maiden's own hands from prematurely exploring the forbidden fruit. Just think of the marketing scheme: Feeling tempted? Fearing assailants? Lock that junk up! HE doesn't get the key until YOU get a ring! The chastity belt: It's easy...so you don't have to be.

Oh, chastity belt! If only you wouldn't look so awkward under my skinny jeans...

Maybe I can just get one for my heart instead. Encased in steel and securely locked up tight, such a device would surely prevent men from stealing it for their own emotional benefit. Like a real chastity belt, I surmise this heart protector could also guard me from myself...keeping me from exposing it or giving it away carelessly. If my heart were kept under lock and key, I could guarantee it to be safely delivered to my husband on our wedding night. "Here," I would say, proudly handing him the key, "My heart has been saved for you alone. Only YOU can unlock it's depth, it's secrets and it's beauty. It is completely pure, soft and unscarred."

Sigh...

Though the chastity belt may be real, there is no such shield for my heart. For a moment, the thought crushes me--There will never be an simple way to navigate the fragility of this most precious part of me. Scripture compels me to "guard it"...to "watch over it with all diligence." Far from a straight-forward task, the command seems a paradox. For in order to live as I am called to (by that very same Book), I need to use it everyday. In order to love, I need to keep it open and vulnerable--thus exposing it to hardening, scarring, even the possibility of shattering. I must protect it, but I cannot keep it under lock and key. God's method is far more complex than this...

Because whether it's worn on my heart or my hips, a chastity belt is just an quick-fix means of compliance--a forced obedience. It requires no self control. No actual overcoming of temptation (by either the one wearing it or the one seeking to be let in). Lacking true soul transformation or mind-renewal, its protection is false, shallow, and ultimately, in vain...

I guess this is why as I have been studying the Scriptural (yet often clouded in Christian-ese) concept of "guarding your heart," there are no easy answers. Like any aspect of spiritual growth and discipleship, mere rule-keeping and "seven-step lists" can never get us any closer to where we want to be. Because if protecting this vital organ meant installing a simple lock-and-key, we would never need to learn maturity. And the Lord so values our maturity, because it is the indication that real change has taken place... 

"No prolonged infancies among us, please," Paul admonishes believers in the fourth chapter of Ephesians, "We'll not tolerate babes in the woods, small children who are an easy mark for impostors. God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. "

Maturity, however, comes when we are given the freedom to choose...and actually taught how to choose wisely. When we are simply restrained, we are robbed of the opportunity to learn just how to exercise self-control. Like the time my Dad decided to put a timer on our TV so that my sister and I couldn't watch it until 5:30 (theoretically allowing us enough time to get our homework done before dinner). The timer, however, was a short-lived experiment, as it didn't teach us any discipline...other than to learn how to pick the lock on my parents door in order to shut the timer off ;) (Hahahaha...and we were the "good kids!"). As highly as you might like to regard human nature, there is no denying that so-called "guards" do little in the way of preventing evil. In fact, since our sinful selves gravitate towards the very things that threaten to destroy us, we shouldn't be surprised when we find ourselves intentionally breaking the guards that were designed to protect us. 

The only way we come to truly value boundaries (God-implemented guards and protectors, like the commands of Scripture) is when we train ourselves to discern good from evil--and to pro-actively choose the good. That training is otherwise known as discipleship--seeking daily to know and become more and more like Christ. And incidentally, allowing Him to fill our hearts appears to be the Bible's #1 prescription for guarding them. How curious, because in all my years of church-going, that was never what I was taught...

From women's Bible studies to Christian singles handbooks, I had always been told that guarding my heart meant keeping it closed up, hidden, and essentially...unused. Whether I was innocently crushing or seriously contemplating a relationship, every Christian female in my life warned me to keep my guard up: To refuse to be affected deeply by another man..and to keep myself from affecting him in a lasting way. Whether intended or not, what that teaching really taught me was that the only way to ensure my heart's purity and wholeness was to refuse to take a risk...

Ideas have consequences, friends. That philosophy guided my actions for years...yet I'm torn as to whether or not its outcome was entirely good. I know all the lyrics to "Independent Women" and how to go for years without shedding a tear. But surely "guarding your heart" means more than this...


(To Be Continued)

"Careful Love?" No Such Thing...

Note: God has been stirring some intense ideas in mind/heart lately and I'm in the midst of developing a new post about the balance of guarding your heart vs. keeping your heart open to love. As I've been writing that post, I was reminded of a blog I wrote nearly six years ago on this same topic. Re-reading it this morning, I got fresh revelation/confirmation of some of the ideas coming in the next post. Thought I'd share...give you a preview of what's to come :)

"And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing"

- 1 Corinthians 13:2

My friend Jamie once told me a story about being in love--specifically the intense pain that one feels when love is not reciprocated.  In my naive, college-freshman mind, I questioned the authenticity of the love about which she spoke. I told her that I believed love was not truly love unless it was mutual. One-sided love, I claimed, was merely admiration. 

Needless to say, I had a huge misunderstanding about love and how this powerful force comes to flourish in one's heart.  Having known pain, hurt and disappointment from a young age, I grew into a young woman who chose (more often than not) to keep people at a distance.  In the few instances where I did make myself vulnerable towards someone else (amidst silly high school romances and college "friendlationships"), I always came away feeling ashamed of my attempts to express the deepest longings of my heart. Thus, as I sought to diligently "guard my heart" (as every good, young Christian girl is taught to do), I couldn't conceive of a more practical method than closing it off and shunning the risk that getting to know someone intimately always necessitates. Better to stay safe and "protected," than to end up hurt and rejected...

Here was the false dichotomy I created in my mind: Either I could give my heart away and choose to love when things were "just right"...or..I could take a risk and choose to love when there was no guarantee of reciprocation. Is there even a choice here? After all, the former seemed to provide a foolproof solution to heartbreak and the latter held the glaringly obvious possibility of no reward. Yet, what I didn't realize is that the possibility of no reward...in other words, risking...was the only choice I had. Because even when love is reciprocated and the situation appears idyllic, no human love is perfect. Because we are not perfect. Here on earth, love always involves risk. There is no such thing as "careful" love...

There's a brilliant line tucked slyly within the otherwise cliche script of a sappy chick flick that expresses exactly the way I felt in my younger years regarding openness to love (and my lack thereof). Today, it challenges me more than ever...

"There's a part of me that wants to let him in but then I feel myself put this wall up and I don't understand why. Maybe that's what strikes me most about [him]. That despite everything he's suffered he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. It makes me sad that people like [him] who have lost everything can still be open to love while I, who have lost nothing, am not."

That truly is a wonderful thing--to have loved and lost, but to keep your heart open to loving again.

God is so beautifully ironic. Perhaps it is His way of redeeming my closed and scared self of my past that the Lord has placed this peculiar call on my life having to do specifically with love and honesty.  He has challenged me to live a life of vulnerability--to open up my heart, to allow myself to feel the full weight of every emotion I experience and to risk possible (surely inevitable) pain for sharing myself and loving another person in such an intense way. 

As I humbly seek to live out this challenge, I have found myself truly loving more people than I ever have before in my life.  In many ways, it is an incredible experience; living with a constant desire to serve, encourage and fight for people because of the love I have for them. Yet even now, as I sit and reflect about the people that I have come to love so deeply within this past month, I am struck with the pain of knowing that everything I feel is not necessarily mutual. And that makes my heart hurt-- a very literal aching in my chest--to know that my love is not returned with the same intensity.

In moments like these, it is very easy for me to question myself and have doubts about the nature of my feelings: "What's wrong with me?  Why do I love so intensely?  If I love people who don't love me back, did I choose the 'wrong' people to love?" 

Where did these questions come from?  I know that I am not the only one who has been challenged in this way. When relationships end, so many of us question the authenticity of the love we experienced. Staring at the shattered pieces that surround us after rejection, we suddenly feel guilty and about the nature and depth of our love. How could I have been so foolish to give my heart away? I should have guarded it better...

Blame it on the theories we unconsciously develop from movies and love songs.  Blame it on the fact that we try to put this massive, mind-bending concept of love into a box--putting time limits and restraints on it ("You can't truly love someone unless you've known them for this many months" or "You can't be 'in love' with someone who you aren't in a relationship with").  Blame it on the fact that we constantly judge other's emotions--thinking that we know better than they do if what they are experiencing is genuine.  Blame it on what you will, but I find it tragic that for so long I believed the lie that the only form of true love is a mutual love.  I am ashamed that I told Jamie that a one-sided love was not genuine.  Because perhaps being able to love someone without the promise of their love in return is the greatest example of love that there is...

This thought frees me and comforts me deeply: To know that love does not have to be reciprocated in order to be real.  And who personified this type of loving better than Jesus--a man who risked loving so passionately and freely--all the while knowing that those whom He cared for so deeply and poured His life into would abandon Him in the midst of His suffering.  Jesus could have distanced himself or chose to give away love selectively--only to those who were guaranteed to return it and make the investment "worthwhile." But He didn't. Instead, He became our most incredible example of "un-careful love"...

The greatest commandments that guide and sustain our lives can be summed up in two words: To LOVE. And to honor that command, we must push past the fear that to do so will break us. To love is to risk being hurt...but we must choose to love anyway.

Because freely and un-carefully loving is the only way to truly live...

Adventures in Accountability (AKA: Why Silly Schemes Never Work)

Money: Good for spending, good for saving, good for deterring sin...

Or so I thought...

As a broke, hormonal college student, I came up with a seemingly brilliant plan to kick my lustful habits after taking in a particularly fascinating lecture on the Psychology of Learning. We had been studying various theories of behavior modification, including the infamous concepts of punishment and reward, and it got the wheels in my mind a turnin' as to how I could implement greater self-control in my sex life (ahem, "sex life"...I don't feel as though I need to elaborate on that for you singles...).

Sheer willpower alone simply wasn't cutting it: When the frustration was high, I threw consequence to the wind and allowed lust to take over. "I could be strong if I wanted to...," I reasoned. Yet, I often wasn't...simply because I didn't want to be. In those moments, I wanted fun and feeling more than I wanted a particular fruit of the Spirit. So, without plain ole self-control, I decided to become my own psychological case study and test out some behavior mod plans. The first and most infamous involved a valuable and rare commodity on campus...cash.

Money, as we know, is a powerful motivator (ever get paid for doing your chores or getting good grades as a kid? Well, neither did I, but you see my point in principle...). By default, then, I assumed that lack of money would create an equally substantial push towards transformation. Especially for a college student (The saying is true: "There's broke...then there's college broke..."). In my ORU days, I could not conceive of anything more tragic than losing a precious $20 bill. And BOOM, in that instant, that dramatic possibility fused together with the concept of "negative punishment" just extrapolated upon by Dr. Feller.

"THAT is how I'm gonna kick this lust problem!" I shouted in victory (okay, maybe not shouted...) and ran to tell my brilliant little plan to my best friend down the hall.

"Okay, you have to be my accountability partner," I told her (busting out the requisite Christianese that my pricey Christian education taught me).

"Um...okay. For what?"

"You know what..." I glared at her, "but I have this AMAZING plan that's gonna help so much!"

I then proceeded to tell her the details of what has now become infamously known as the "Burn a $20 experiment." Yes, you read that right. Just like the name implied, every time I found myself indulging in a particular lustful habit, I would force myself to confess it to my friend, grab a lighter and painfully watch a $20 bill from my own wallet slowly disintegrate in flames. The very thought was disheartening. Surely, I would never give into lust again!

"Whoa, that's intense!" my friend said, "Are you sure?"

No price was too high to maintain my purity, I declared. Yes, THIS would be the elusive sin cure I had been looking for! (I had high hopes to market this wonderful little scheme to the rest of the college population soon...).

For weeks, I victoriously prevailed. Until one day...I didn't.

Uh oh. Here goes "the plan"...

Trouble was, I was broke. I didn't even have $20 in my bank account...much less my wallet! Hmmm...this unfortunate scenario had not been factored into my clever scheme...

I DID, however, confess my folly to my good ole AP. She told me not to feel bad...she had screwed up too and was in the same boat (lust runs rampant on the Christian college campus...).

"Just call this grace this time..." she told me.

Long story short, grace became the name of the game. It was so "convenient" that every time I fell into sin, I didn't have enough money to punish myself for my mistake (or I did, but I had a bill to pay or some other excuse why I couldn't part with my precious dinero). Eventually, the sin debt I racked up was far too high for me to pay back (much less keep track of). Thus, I dubbed the whole ritual ridiculous and abolished it. Never once did I bust out a lighter or a match. In theory, my plan was fool-proof. In practice, I just realized how much "brilliant plans" tend to suck. Especially when all they teach you to do is become a little Pharisee...

Years later, I look back at that stage and I laugh at myself. I really did think that behavior modification techniques would keep me out of trouble. Trouble is, they only dealt with my actions...not with my heart.

Jesus said the heart is what counts. He condemned the Pharisees for being "white-washed tombs," striving to look all holy on the outside (doing all the "right" things), while inside they were rotting away with the sin of pride. In the case of King David, the Bible tells us very clearly that "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).

Creating our own little rules for minimizing sin gets us nowhere. It might work for a season (or in the case of "Burn a $20," not at all), but in the end, it will never get us what we want. Behavior modification will never lead to heart transformation...which is ultimately what we are so deeply craving...

Don't fool yourself: A lust problem (as with any sin problem) is always a heart problem. As much as we try to sugarcoat it, chalk it up to "just feeling horny" or rationalize that it affects no one else but us (ahem, lie), it is very much connected to the deepest emotional/spiritual needs within us.

I dare you to be honest with God the next time you want to give into lust. Tell Him what you're feeling...honestly ("I really wanna ______ right now!"). He knows your sex drive...He created it! Trust me, He can handle anything you have to confess to Him. So, in that moment of decision (where you always have a window to escape from the intensity of the temptation...1 Corinthians 10:13), I dare you to ASK God: "Why do I want this so much?" I can guarantee that if your heart is not calloused and you still actually DO desire purity, the answer will relate to your heart, not your hormones...

We give into lust for a lot of reasons...we're bored, depressed, stressed...but primarily, we go there for one very significant (and deeply painful) reason...we're lonely. We long for a love that is deep, transcendent and real. When we are honest, we want more than just an orgasm. We want to be close to someone. We want to be embraced. We want to share that moment with someone who knows us deeply...someone who we trust.

Blame it on the romantic in me, but THESE are the desires reflected back at me every time I ask God to reveal my heart in moments of lust. Lust is so painfully counterfeit...and always leaves us empty. That's because deep down, our hearts know we were made for more...

For years, I thought I had "overcome" sexual sin through behavior modification. Living by a series of pop-psychological (Pharisaical?) techniques, I learned to carefully control my actions whist carefully neglecting my heart (it hurt too much to deal with...). I even taught those willpower methods to my discipleship students (lol...and "Burn a $20" didn't make the list, fyi). And although I do think those techniques were wise discipleship methods, without deep soul surgery, they only bandage a wound. I know that because for all those years I abstained, old habits returned shockingly quickly and became just as ritual as they once were when I abandoned my self-control. Simply because I failed to keep my heart pure.

My life as a white-washed tomb...

Yet, my friend was right...we can always call it grace. Or call on grace, to be precise. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because they thought they could count on their clever rules to fix their lives. They thought they could forget the internal stuff. They thought they didn't really need God...or His amazing gift of grace.

But nothing else...and no one else...can heal a heart. And if you struggle with lust, odds are, you need less "rule making" and behavior modification...and much, much more of the Heavenly Father's life-transforming love invading your heart.

Got idle hands? Take hold of THAT...

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

The Birds and the Bees (Part Two)

[If you haven't read Part One of this post, I can guarantee you will be more than a little lost if you attempt to start with this one! So, take a few minutes and read the last post. It will make much more sense that way...trust me!

Oh yeah...and that last post was the cheeky one. This one is the sappy one :) ]


2. Sin not only twists our fears and vulnerabilities into a desire to control, but also seeks to pervert our pure, God-given desire as women to be beautiful.

Song of Solomon 4:6-7 reveals some powerful truths about the nature of both men and women...

"The sweet, fragrant curves of your body,
   the soft, spiced contours of your flesh
Invite me, and I come. I stay
   until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.
You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love,
   beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless."

Here, a husband is speaking to his wife. He expresses just how much he loves seeing and experiencing his lover's body. Beauty is essential to him--a comfort and an unspeakable blessing. And how incredible of God to design women in such a way that they genuinely and purely enjoy BEING beautiful. The hopeless romantic in me lets out a sigh just reading that verse. I want my husband to read that verse to me someday...because I long for that verse to be about me...

Yet, it aches to be that vulnerable. It seems childish to just want to be thought of as beautiful (singing like a Disney princess awaiting her prince). Because such heart vulnerability can be so easily crushed, young women turn to society for answers as to how they can (or how they should according to the world) express this desire. Replace "beautiful" with "hot," and "true love" with "attention" or "hooking up." It's as simple as that...

The tragic fact is, because of the overwhelming prevalence of porn in our society, women today feel as though their pure beauty simply isn't enough. Having literally seen it all (from the likes of surgically-enhanced/airbrushed/eating disordered models/actresses/porn stars), it seems it takes more and more to make a man aroused. Back in the day, a woman revealing her neck or bare ankles were thought to be "too much" outside of closed doors. But now, with skin everywhere, how can we compete?

I once heard a preacher offer an extremely wise statement about the nature of male and female lust. Although some might dismiss it as a male/female stereotype or see it as perhaps "too extreme" to be true, the more I think about it, the more I realize just how much insight lies behind it. The preacher said: "The big temptation for men is to want to look at porn. The big temptation for women is to want to BE porn."

Wow! While even the speaker himself admitted this was a generalization (women can/do struggle with looking at porn as well), as a woman, I have to be honest with myself to admit that I DO struggle with that temptation (to be, not just view). That temptation to be is there even for women who have never looked at porn, because we know that GUYS have. All of us have seen glimpses of this type of seduction, from semi-covered magazines on newsstands to risque scenes in R-rated movies--enough to give us a little clue as to what we're "competing" with. When we know that men are drawn to women who look/act a certain way, we suddenly want to be THAT. Thus, we expose the sexual parts of our bodies to random strangers (any tight jeans or short skirts in your closet?) because we want to be noticed. We push sexual boundaries with men who are not our husbands, not just because of our own hormones, but because we long to be desired. The temptation to "be porn" is simply the twisted, sinful manifestation of a deep desire to be beautiful.

And of course, our Creator (never doing anything "by accident") designed that desire to serve a very important purpose. Women get aroused knowing that men are aroused by them in order that they would feel free to show and give their bodies to one man (their husband!), that he (and he alone) would be aroused by and enjoy them fully. To paraphrase from Mark Driscoll's sermon series on the Song of Solomon, the ideal sex life in a marriage is that the wife would be visually generous to show her husband her beauty and body (often), and in turn, the husband would be verbally generous towards his wife to tell her how beautiful she is and how aroused he is by her (often). Marriage, by God's design, is THE place for sexual desires, visual cravings and verbal longings to be satisfied. This union is meant to guard both spouses and keep them away from sexual sin, because all three of those deep desires were designed to be fulfilled in a pure and pleasing way by the other spouse.

Yet, we live in a broken world. Our sin keeps us far from this ideal. Marrieds screw it up by withholding from each other, engaging in fantasy about someone else, or even having an affair. And singles screw it up by impatiently looking at porn, fantasizing, masturbating, pushing sexual boundaries with significant others, or just plain having sex. (Even those who ARE waiting, it seems, don't actually want to wait...in the truest sense of the word).

And if we are are bold enough to be honest with ourselves, none of the above is actually worth it. Sure, there is pleasure for a time (why else would we do it?), yet all of those things...lust, attention-getting, affairs...are so unbelievably empty. Whether it is in the immediate wake of our sin, or in the delayed contemplation of our actions, we can't deny the raw truth that digs deep in our spirit-- these things are only a shadow of the real thing. There IS more! We are meant for more...

They say that Satan's biggest strategy when it comes to lust is to get single people to have sex before they are married...and those same people to stop having sex once they get married. How messed up is that??? This is society's stereotype (singles are getting it on all over the place, and marrieds sure as heck aren't making the best use of their king size beds)--one we know, unfortunately, is often true. Satan seeks to attack our sexuality because he knows just how powerful it is when sex is actually engaged in as it was designed to be--within the marriage bed, between one woman and one man...as often as possible! ;)

Sex is meant to show us God's incredible goodness and love towards us. He wants us to experience wonderful pleasure and intimacy with our spouse! I've said it before, but it bears repeating: In marriage, sex actually brings GLORY to God! How amazing! Now do you see the POWER in sex as it's meant to be?

So, class, your homework for the day is this: Take a long, hard look at your habits (whether you're married or single) and ask yourself whether or not your selfishness is really worth the price you're paying for it.

The truth is, you can choose to leave behind the excuses, sin and counterfeit intimacy. You can choose to embrace the best that God has for you. Because that ideal for amazing/pure sex isn't just a fairy tale--it's God's desire for us to experience on this earth.

If we choose it, that is...

Will you?

The Birds and the Bees (The Revised Female Version)

Women want sex.

People laugh at such a statement for one of two reasons, either because they know it's true ("Duh...") or because they actually do find it laughable ("Really?"). In a multi-generational setting of women, the ones who find this statement all too obvious tend to fall in the younger half of the room. Unfortunately, the ones doling out the sex advice (the birds and the bees spiel) tend to come from the other half. Hmmmm. How problematic for a generation that was taught to be sexually reserved (having been fed the "Just lie on your back and wait 'til it's over" advice) to be educating a new generation raised in a porn-saturated, highly-sexualized society. That old sex ed just doesn't cut it anymore.

And besides, most of it was lies anyway...

Based on the stories of many friends (not to mention the stereotypicial societal tradition), I think it's safe to say that the majority of "talks" given to young girls have traditionally (and mistakenly) begun with a discussion of male hormones. Phrases like "Guys just have a one-track mind" and "Don't let him pressure you!" imply that the guy is the only one with the desire. A girl's desire is rarely (if ever) mentioned, as it seems to pale in light of THE most "vital" piece of sex education for females (i.e. How to resist his advances and keep yourself from getting knocked up).

But if I, as a rather candid (yet conservative) Christian woman, had the chance to educate young girls en masse about the topic of sex and sexuality, I can guarantee you that my "talk" would begin with a completely opposite premise: "Girls want sex just as much as boys. Sometimes more..."

This is not merely personal experience, mind you (although it was my idea to write this post, so you can deduce my opinion...). I cannot even tell you how many stories I've heard from teenage and twentysomething Christian females embarassingly confessing that they, in fact, are the ones sexually pressuring their boyfriends/fiances, NOT the other way around. (I would like to pause here to point out something rather interesting. It's no secret that in this day and age, men are constantly being bashed for not "stepping up and taking the initiative." Yet, given the information I just offered, I would just like to give praise to all the young Christian men who have the balls to put on the brakes in the backseat (especially when the girl is asking for more). It seems crazy because it rarely gets mentioned that guys have often been the protectors of purity and the preventors of pregnancy. Let's hear it for those boys...).

I was recently talking to a friend about this whole phenomenon of women pushing guys for sex and I pointed out how no one ever talks about the girls being the ones who need to keep it in their pants. I guess it's embarrassing for good little Christian gals to admit that they are equally as sexually driven, if not more so, than their male counterparts. Instead, we just lie and stereotype the guy as the jerk doing all the pressuring (it seems easier to shift the blame to males in order to make the whole scenario a bit more predictable...maybe even more excusable). Yet I had to laugh when my friend, in that same conversation, blurted out the sudden realization of her own (pressuring) actions towards her boyfriend: "Ugh! I'M the jerk!"

Hahahaha...how true! Girls can be the jerks and guys can be the ones exercising the self-control (What??? No one ever talks about this!). The truth of what goes on behind closed doors simply isn't as black and white as you thought it was. Yet, I think there are actually several factors that contribute to this interesting phenomenon of female sexual aggressiveness. Humor me for a moment as I give you a preview of one of my (forthcoming...someday) sex ed classes...

The first factor, as previously stated, can be chalked up to pure carnal desire on the part of an otherwise demure young woman (hahaha...there's definite truth to the whole "lady in the street, but a freak in the bed" line). Due to the nature of female sexuality (generally not aroused visually, needing foreplay, etc), it's easy to assume that women aren't as interested because they usually aren't physically "ready to go" as quickly as men are. Don't be fooled! The female libido is still strong and seeks to be satisfied. After all, female mammals are the only ones with an organ that has no practical function aside from sexual pleasure (yet another topic for discussion in my sex ed class). Women aren't supposed to enjoy sex? What the crap is THAT all about? Sounds like a lie straight from the pit to me...

The second contributing factor to the sexual agressiveness of women (in my humble, virginal opinion) is not just our sexual lust, but our lust for control. Don't even think dominatrix here; this is true even on a much subtler scale. I'm talking about that sense of power that a woman gets when she realizes she can use her body to make her man powerless. Take away some clothing here or touch there...and boom...he's at your mercy. That's tough to admit so bluntly, but I'm just gonna say what so many girls are afraid to: That sense of control is compelling!

But why? Allow me to offer two thoughts--both straight from Scripture, shockingly enough...

1. Genesis 3:16 offers us incredible insight into the female struggle for power, as we learn of God's punishment for the original sin of Eve:

 "...And you will desire to control your husband,
      but he will rule over you"

Makes so much sense now, doesn't it? This punishment for sin has been passed down from generation to generation, and has sprung up in some way in every female ever since. (Okay, okay...I understand there are a lot of theological implications here which I don't intend to debate right now. Yes, we are no longer under the curse because of Christ. Yet, when we rebel and submit ourselves to sin, we can't deny that our sinful tendencies lead us straight to this...).

For some, that desire to control comes through incessant nagging of their husband ("Why can't you do things THIS way (aka MY way)?"). For others (like us unmarried chicas), we relish the opportunity (albeit often unconciously) to exercize sexual power over other men in our lives. It doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend--simply attracting attention from guys at the mall (you know, show a bit of cleavage, turn some heads...) will do the trick. We suddenly feel our confidence surge as we regain some sense of power in a world that otherwise feels chaotic and outside the realm of our control.

Hmmm. Consider that last part of the verse: Women seek to control what they can because they know that they ultimately aren't in control. I think that women use their sexuality (looks, seduction) to manipulate because they are all to aware that men are (generally) able to overpower them physically. Thus, we feel vulnerable in the world. We can't walk down the street alone at night (at least not without a gnawing in our stomach and a constant looking over our shoulder). Even for the strongest of us women, the world can be a scary place.

Yet we don't have to have this constant fear of rape in order to feel vulnerable to men. On a far less dramatic level, our more conscious fear is to be rejected by them. And a woman's traditional method of rejection prevention? Seduction. (Women "giving sex to get love"? Sounds about right). Women will often use their sexual power to keep a guy's attention, jealously seeking to secure his affections on them alone in order to avoid abandonment. This fear of rejection leads us to selfishly seek control, as we strive to awaken lust in our "weaker brothers."

Ladies, this is our sin...


(To be continued)

Seasons of Satisfaction and Sorrow

To my lovely followers who have asked or been curious about my memoir, here is a little slice pertaining to singleness. The title of this post is the title of the chapter in the book. As you might suspect, it's a bit lengthy, so I'll have to break it up into about four or so more little sections and post them periodically over the next few weeks. So, here goes: True story... :)


Unpublished Blog Entry (found in a journal three years later): March 2007, Age 24

“People tell me that I need to get married.

Ha! As if it were all that easy! The problem, I tell them, is that my single state isn’t entirely up to me (as though I were simply a finicky girl, turning up my nose to the dozens of amazing men fawning daily at my beautifully pedicured feet. Sadly, this was not the case...).

I spent my high-school and college-years with my mascara-enhanced eyes wide open for a potential boyfriend. I was my own perpetual project…ironing out my flaws, updating my style and incorporating the proper flirting techniques into my everyday habits (making it appear seamless, of course). I constantly went back and forth over the question as to the "cause" of my singleness—was it the way I looked, or my personality? This question haunted me for years, and thus, in my insecurity, I beat myself up over things I couldn’t control (my height that had me towering over 98% of guys my age, and a nose that I was convinced took up too much of my face).

Ironically enough, in the years since, I have received genuine complements on each one of the “flaws” I once considered a deterrent to would-be suitors. And you would think that encouragement would make me happy. No, it only frustrated me all the more. If those things aren’t it, what is it? What is wrong with me??????”

(In other words: "Why am I still single?")

Lies I Believed and Advice I Didn’t Take

Ever since I was 12 years old, people have been telling me that getting married would neither be a magic cure-all to my problems, nor a road to instant and fulfilling happiness (Hmmm, what does that say about our society that we can use the words instant and fulfilling in the same sentence without second thought?). Well-meaning adults would encourage me with trite little relationship statements like: “Two halves don’t make a whole!“ and “Make sure you are happy and complete in yourself first!” From youth leaders to college professors to extended relatives, I was bombarded with these words of wisdom...which, of course, increased with every passing lack of relationship year.

To me, each statement seemed terribly cliché and was easily shrugged off. Marrieds were getting the better end of the deal--I was sure of it. They were experiencing the joys of weddings, having a standing date for Saturday night, and of course, sex. Since I was void of all these things, I was convinced that this whole “Marriage won’t make you happy” thing was, indeed, a sham.

It wasn’t until last year that I actually believed it...

Counselling singles, I see two types of people when it comes to their thoughts on marriage: Those who look upon matrimony with bitterness, cynicism and disdain...and those absolutely desperate to walk down the aisle at any cost. The former have witnessed (and been screwed up by) their parents affairs, abuse or multiple marriages. They have seen the reality of marriage--its ugliness and all--and they want no part of it. The latter have faced rejection and fear they won’t measure up as a potential pick for spouse-hood (yet desire it all the more). For them, the idea of finally being accepted and chosen, would certainly be a dream come true.

The first group needs a revelation of Almighty God--the One who has the power to transform who we are and redeem our pasts. The second needs a revelation of Daddy God--the One who generously and graciously gives his children good gifts (they don't deserve) because he delights in their joy. Ultimately, though, both revelations are a journey in trust...

As the "counselee," that second one was my category. At 11 years old, it seemed I was ruined for singleness when I watched my oldest sister get married at the ripe age of 21. Jessica and her husband met in the fall of her freshman year of college...and were engaged to by the time she came home that Christmas. In my little middle-school mind, all the cues around me (the attention to the bride, the congratulations on such a “point of arrival…”) led me to conclude that my quest from that day forward was to look pretty...and start looking for my Husband. (Ick. I hate to see it written out like that, but that is exactly how I pictured it in my head. My Husband idol, with a capital H).

“You’ll find him when you’re not looking,” people would tell me in college (after first semester came and went without so much as a viable prospect). What does that even MEAN? Cruel, torturous irony is what it is! It's like how a friend once described to me how subtly pride can take over your life. Just when you start to think about how humble you are, you realize pride has hit you like a baseball bat to the back of the knees and has taken you down again. When it came to singleness, this Catch-22 situation seemed to be the story of my life. Every now and then, I would realize “Wow, I’m not looking anymore!” Just, of course, to turn around and remind myself what “happens” when I’m not looking. Suddenly, I’m aware of the unawareness of potential men in my life. Damn cycle starts all over again...

I wish I could say that I took the high road when it came to accepting my singleness. For many years, however, this was simply not so. Being the “heart on my sleeve” type that I am, it seems I let my disappointment slip to, well, just about everyone in my life. My mini quarter-life crises usually stemmed from this topic, and in my early twenties, I admit I wasn’t so classy in the way I expressed things (there is a little collection of things done or said out of impulse that I desperately wish I could erase from the minds of others…as well as my own).

Amazingly and thankfully, however, God’s incredible grace and wisdom completely transformed my view of singleness...and shut my self-pitying mouth. I see singleness quite differently now, but it took an unexpected and painful season to get me there...

To be Continued

 

Hello, My Name Is... (Part Two)

Nature vs. Nurture: The great debate. Are we who we are because of our genes (aka God's design) or because of our great (or ghastly) upbringing? Hmmmm...ponder, ponder. Scholars have debated it for centuries. But now in the 21st, we have a new philosopher shedding light on this ever important dilemma of the origin of identity.

Her name is Lady Gaga... 

"Oh, there ain't no other way, baby, I was BORN THIS WAY." A simple statement couched in a catchy tune; who knew it would help start a brand new sexual revolution fifty years or so after "free love" shed it's taboo? In 2011, however, it's not just about "Do what you want! Be free!" The message has morphed into a far more philosophical (and perhaps even more dangerous...), "Do what you want! It's who you ARE! It feels so good because you were made for this..."

Lately, I've been thinking about all these lame-ass excuses we make for our sin (note the "we" there...this is my story too...). Like I said in the last post, anyone can rationalize away their thoughts/behaviors simply by shifting the blame to the Lord. "This is just the way God made me!" we easily say of our desires. (Incidentally, Lady Gaga reinforces this view in Born This Way with the line "'Cause God makes no mistakes").

Since the dawn of time (I'm sure), people have been quick to point the finger at God for the death, destruction and heartbreak present in our world. It's only fitting, then, that now people look to the Lord as the source of their sin. Because He made us, we think, He must be the author of not just the good, but also the bad (i.e. Sexual desires gone awry, mental illness, my craving for sin and death...). Tack on Lady Gaga's logic to that, and it suddenly goes one step further. Since God is good and doesn't make mistakes, everything we feel or think, therefore, MUST be good. There is no such thing as doing or being "bad."

What a friggin' Slip N Slide of a thought process! But this is exactly the slippery slope that society is caught up on! And what makes it all the more dangerous is that even pop icons recognize the Truth of God's character...He IS good! He DOESN'T make mistakes! And those two assumptions are absolutely correct. But what a fallacy to stop short and say that those Truths suddenly equal "Nothing is bad if (a good) God made it."

Now it all makes sense: This is why you get labeled a "bigot" if you make a clear distinction between right and wrong. This is why you are accused of being intolerant if you don't tout "To each his own" when it comes to people's choices and desires (even your own). If you're worldview is rooted in the concept of original sin (that's a pretty basic belief for Christians...recognizing that you were sinful from the start and that you despertately need a savior), it's gonna be an uphill battle to live in the last days (ahem, the present...). Because that conviction stands in stark contrast to that of the rest of society. Mainstream America (whose collective worldview tends to be reflected by the media...art imitates life...) will go to the grave convinced that human beings are inherently good. And so it goes...who needs a savior when you haven't done anything wrong? After all, your so-called "sin" was merely "following your instincts"...Or, according to those who love to twist scripture to make themselves feel better, you were just acting upon "who God made you" to be.

Wait a minute! Is anyone paying attention to what is really going on here? There is a manipulative ENEMY out there, disguised as an angel of light (2 Cor. 11:14), whose very goal is to wreak havoc on our desires. He makes sin look good...not just compelling, but normal and natural. The lies are subtle, but powerful: "God is good. You are His child. Of course, anything IN you is good. Right...?"

I'm convinced that what the Church in America needs most is NOT to change surface-y logistics like shifting from the mega churches to home groups, doing more outreach projects, or striving to be more "culturally relevant" (although those are all valid and important things). No, I think that followers of Christ in this country desperately need to study and actively EMBRACE the concept of spiritual warfare.

If the battle analogy is too cliche for you...get over it, because it's Biblical :) The Truth is, our world IS a war zone and we need to be diligent about living "set apart" (aka holy) lives and FIGHTING to keep our minds renewed in a world saturated with incredibly cunning lies. Do I know what I believe enough not to sucumb to the enemy's false (even "Christiany" sounding...throwing God in the mix) logic? Am I doing battle not just for my friends and family, but also for myself and my own mind?

My most recent internal discipleship debate is what exactly it means to wash your mind with water through the Word (Eph 5:26). My personal litmus test is this...What comes to my mind first when I'm washing dishes or driving in my car? A song lyric telling me that I am, in fact, good (without God's redemption) and I just need to be myself. Or the Scripture that says "Apart from [Christ] I can do nothing."

Maybe I need to turn down the radio...

Yet Lady Gaga tells me exactly what I want to hear: That I'm amazing and awesome..."Rah, rah, rah! Go me!" While she gives a token nod to the Big Guy (make the church kids feel a little less guilty...and pisses off the fundamentalists), the whole concept is clearly about taking pride in yourself and your unique design...not giving praise to the Designer.Yet, isn't this the focus of thousands of children's books and kids cartoons? "Be yourself! You're great! Accept who you are! Don't apologize for being you!" It seems that that deceptive "discipleship" of self-love and pride starts early...

Truth is, it's much easier to swallow (seemingly) shallow song lyrics than it is the Gospel. Because when I take the Gospel seriously, I am forced to see myself for what I truly am without Christ: "Naked and poor," spending my days surrendering myself to man-made idols like a whore, amassing filthy rags of "good deeds" that fool others into thinking I'm good, yet are nothing but a stench in the nostrils of God. The Gospel tells me that I am fallen, selfish, empty and incomplete without a Savior.

And Scripture doesn't pull any punches in assuming this concept will sit right with us. "Who can accept such things?" people asked Jesus. THE GOSPEL IS OFFENSIVE, Peter reminds us (1 Peter 2:8). It's a stumbling block that many people can't get around. 'Cause they don't have the guts to say that they are bad...and they need help.

But we do need help. I need help. To the world, I earn major "Good Girl" points for my "Never done drugs/got drunk/had sex" record. Yet, for the last 28 years, living day in and day out in my naturally depraved body/mind, all too aware of my own selfishness, filth and messed-up, sin-soaked desires. In the past, I denied them. In the past, I downplayed them. But in the light of Christ's stunning perfection, I can't deceive myself any longer.

The Truth is...God did make me. My original design was good. But some of my ancestors way back in the day, while chillin' in this amazing Garden, suddenly up and decided to trade God's glory in for a lie. In the process, they passed that generational curse of sin onto me. The Truth is, I am NOT who I was meant to be. In and of myself, I am NOT good.

YET...I am unfathomably adored by my Creator. So much so that He let people kill His completely righteous son, so that my broken and rebellious self could have life. He ransomed me from my own destruction of self-love and pride. He redeemed me and put His perfectly good (Holy!) Spirit inside me. Now I am truly FREE to do good. Not because I am good, but only because HE is good. And He is gracious enough to allow His goodness to flow through me.

And if that whole thing weren't enough of a paradox, it is only in Him that I find my identity. It is not because I am somehow special/wonderful/"beautiful in my way" (as Gaga would say). My identity is not found in my face, my talents or even my desires. My confidence comes from believing that Christ is standing between me and the Father.

The other day, I worshiping and this one amazing line came to my mind. I kept singing it over and over: "You see me as pure. You see me as clean. Even though, there is nothing good in me." While we MUST remember that last part (and begin our worldview from that standpoint), we can truly accept the Father's grace and walk in His love when we finally get that revelation: That He is looking at us through Jesus.

I am who I am because Christ has made me new. There is no other basis for my identity.

So, how do I really know when I've begun to grasp this whole identity thing? When the Gospel makes me cry. Because in that moment, I suddenly remember that what it says is absolutely true...