tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6821177832101999612013-07-24T20:49:21.055-07:00The Virgin VerdictThoughts on sex and relationships from a single Christian galJennifernoreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-88465518587679035052013-07-24T20:49:00.001-07:002013-07-24T20:49:21.065-07:002013-07-24T20:49:21.065-07:00Best Of: Apocalyptic Hookups<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Heya faithful VV readers! So, I know that a lot of you are new to my site and probably haven't read all the classics (lol...circa 2011). Instead of aimlessly wading through looking for the funniest-sounding titles, I thought I'd help you out by offering a "Best Of" post every week. And even if you've been a VV fan for awhile and read the original, this will just be a reminder and a fresh revelation for the new season you're in :)<br />
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Hope you enjoy one of my personal favs...<br />
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Apocalyptic Hook-Ups</h3>
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<span lang="EN"><b><em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey, give me everything tonight...f<span closure_uid_xl4n6c="137" lang="EN">or all we know we</span></span></em><span closure_uid_24q2t9="131" closure_uid_oab47q="113" closure_uid_xl4n6c="113" lang="EN"><em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> might not get tomorrow"</span></em></span></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN"><span closure_uid_24q2t9="131" closure_uid_oab47q="113" closure_uid_xl4n6c="113" lang="EN"> </span></span><span lang="EN"><span closure_uid_xl4n6c="113" lang="EN" style="font-size: xx-small;">-<span closure_uid_bfsa88="148" style="font-size: x-small;">Pitbull, "Give Me Everything"</span></span></span></div>
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<span closure_uid_bfsa88="153" closure_uid_hp2s8b="112" lang="EN">It’s the reoccurring nightmare of every Christian kid reared in a fundamentalist home: Sleepy eyed and disheveled, your little self awakens in the morning and walks in the kitchen only to discover that everyone is gone. After briefly contemplating the possibility that you could be re-creating Macaulay Culkin’s serendipity a la <i>Home Alone, </i>your happiness quickly turns to horror. The unthinkable has just occurred: The rapture has happened...and you’ve been left behind.<br /><br />Fast forward to your teen years: That dream has since evolved into a scenario far more frightening. This time you KNOW the rapture has happened, because hey, there you are, caught up in the clouds with Jesus! Instead of rejoicing, however, you’re secretly a little pissed. “Really, God? <i>Now</i>?” You are now on your way to heaven without ever having had sex.<br /><br />"It's like THE most tragic thing to die a virgin," so would have said my 13 year-old self. Even at that young age, the possibility of living a sex-free existence here on earth was very, <em>very</em> scary. And ironically, I have my church to thank for that... </span><br /><br /><span closure_uid_bfsa88="153" closure_uid_hp2s8b="112" lang="EN">Every single sermon from my youth group days (at least the ones interesting enough to be remembered years later) can be lumped in one of two general categories: A “Don’t Do It” sex talk and a “Get Your Life Right; Jesus is Coming Back” scare tactic spiel on the end times. I’m not sure who developed this particular sermon series, but may I say that it isn't the wisest strategy to pair these two topics together. The first admonition will (in many cases) only lead to curiosity or determination to break said rule, while the second offers the prime opportunity for action. The ever brilliant teenage mind quickly concludes: <i closure_uid_bfsa88="154">If I’m ever gonna see what this whole sex thing is about, I’d better do it quick. After all, true love waits, but the rapture might not. </i><br /><br />Tim Keller, a Manhattan pastor, eluded to the concept of the “Apocalyptic Hook-Up” in one of his recent sermons. Apparently, the <i>New York Times </i>did an article in which they explored this “recent trend” where people make it their goal to hook up with someone far more attractive than they are. This experience, Keller noted, served as a self-esteem booster for many in order to prove that they could, in fact, get some from someone gorgeous.<br /><br />When<em> I</em> first heard this new term, however, the possible definition that came to mind was <i>not</i> a one-night stand of epic proportions, but a hasty hook-up spurred on by a fear of the Apocalypse. In this case, it didn’t matter if your partner was super hot, just willing to share an experience that, if it didn’t happen now, might never happen at all. Although the <em>New York</em> <em closure_uid_hp2s8b="119">Times-</em>defined version might be new, I'm thinkin' that the "Last days = last chance for romance" idea probably first took flight 40 or so years ago...<br /><br />From what I've gathered, the Jesus Movement didn’t seem too interested in discipleship. Back in the 70’s, with wars, rumours of wars, and the production of terrifying Christian movies about the Great Tribulation, the focus was on the present, not future. Therefore, Christians pushed evangelism; getting people saved was the ultimate priority. All that lifestyle stuff the Bible talks about (um,<em>discipleship</em>??) quickly took a back seat. There simply wasn’t enough time for that now…<br /><br />Seeing as I didn’t even exist in the 70’s, I don’t claim to be the expert on this. I only know what my mother told me. My mom got saved in the Jesus Movement when she was 15. That same year, she got pregnant. As thankful as my mom is for her salvation experience, she desperately wishes they stressed different subjects in church back then.<br /><br />“They really made you think that Jesus was coming back tomorrow!” she says of her own youth group sermons (Twenty years later in the 90’s, things hadn’t changed much. My experience was the same).</span></div>
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<span closure_uid_hp2s8b="120" closure_uid_xl4n6c="113" lang="EN"><strong><br /></strong>So, what else is a poor kid to do? “Eat, drink and be merry,” the Bible says, “for tomorrow we die” (discipleship 101 in a last days world). <em>Live it up</em> was the motto for all the youth who never even <i>considered</i> that the Lord might tarry long enough for them to actually get married (to have sex). And at 15, my mom certainly never pictured that one day she would be a grandmother of eight…<br /><br />While I’m the first to chuckle at the fact that sex is a big enough deal in the mind of a teenager that it absolutely <i>has to </i>happen at all costs before Armageddon, I do find it disturbing that young people are so adamantly convinced in the ultimate satisfaction of it. Why is death as a virgin the worst thing in the world? I guess because, according to the world, it’s the best you can get. Love, closeness, and pleasure (in the most ideal scenario) can all be found in the embrace of another human being. As glorious as it may be (not the expert on this, but I'd venture it's a fair assumption...), I'm convinced there is infinitely more to life than this. Going back to that teenage dream for a minute: The dilemma is heaven vs. sex. And the sad reality is, most choose the sex.<br /><br />This proves that we know absolutely <em>nothing</em> about heaven. In our finite brains, we can’t grasp the concept that something could provide FAR greater amounts of love, closeness and pleasure than doin' the dirty. But it's true! Only in recent years of studying the Bible as an adult have I discovered the book of Revelation is, in large part, NOT about the end times. (That truly came as a shock to me, I’m embarrassed to admit…). This book (often titled some form of the word<i>Apocalypse</i> in many Latin-based languages) is actually about the incredible beauty and greatness of God. Not to mention the perfect and perfectly satisfying home that He has waiting for us.<br /><br />Just a few days ago, I was describing the California-based preacher/author Francis Chan to one of my friends. “Basically,” I said, “No matter what the subject of his sermon is, he always ends up talking about heaven.” In fact, Chan is perhaps the only person I’ve heard preach on Revelation without 75% of it (or more) being about pre, mid or post-trib theories and the implications of being “left behind” after the rapture (be-headings, anyone?). Nope, none of that: Chan just talks about the beauty of Jesus. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone talk more passionately about the anticipation of God’s glory revealed in heaven as Francis Chan (I take that back…Chan, and John Piper. See below). He is absolutely convinced that nothing on this earth could ever come close to knowing the Lord in His fullness. (I highly recommend his sermon “The Holiness of God” from Cornerstone Simi Valley Church. When I first heard it, I was speechless…).<br /><br />John Piper, another preacher whom I deeply respect, is also known for touting God’s glory in each book he publishes and every sermon he preaches. His analogy pertaining to the heaven vs. sex argument is profound. In a sermon on singleness (continuing our “lack of sex” theme), Piper admonishes singles that the season they are in (whether permanent or temporary) offers them an opportunity for a unique covenant with God that married people don’t have. Its true: God makes the promise in Isaiah 56 (read the commentary on it). The problem is, Piper says, singles don’t actually believe experiencing the fullness of God to be a great reward (and certainly not a good trade for no marriage). Instead of cherishing the treasure of their singleness, they ask God for both: “Can’t I have the Biblical benefits of singleness (see 1 Corinthians 7) AND the whole marriage/sex thing?“ The two are absolutely incomparable, Piper says. Opting for human marriage over a rare closeness with the Almighty, is like God giving you the entire ocean, and you tugging on his shirt sleeve and asking, “Um, can I have a thimble too?”<br /><br />(When it’s put in that light, we suddenly realize how foolish it is to desperately desire something so silly compared to something so beautiful).<br /><br />Heaven or sex? Well, hopefully it's both :) But if it comes down to reveling in the lusts of the flesh (sex outside of marriage) or soaking up the beauty of Jesus, it <em>should</em> be a no-brainer. </span><br /><br />I pray that both myself and my students will have a relationship with God where we <em>truly </em>trust His ability to satisfy us more than anything else in this world. </div>
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Oh, that we would look at that question and boldly choose the right answer...</div>
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Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-12798926868668649682013-07-08T22:00:00.003-07:002013-07-08T22:01:55.554-07:002013-07-08T22:01:55.554-07:00Dating Profile Dealbreakers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So....I'm getting <i>such a kick</i> out of online dating! Profile content of potentials is particularly amusing...terrific fodder for road trip conversations, chats with girlfriends, and now, for<i> The Virgin Verdict</i>.<br />
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Yes, friends, the following content is REAL. In my few short weeks of recent online dating experience, I've seen all of these things.<br />
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Meanwhile, I'm wondering what exactly these "Christian" boys are smoking because <i>who says this stuff</i> in a dating profile???!!!<br />
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Note to all men who might be reading this: Here are things NOT to say in your profile. They are all grounds for automatic closure and blocking of you, as you pigeonhole yourself into the creeper/cocky/not-really-a-Christian box.<br />
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Here goes: I have absolutely no qualms with closing a profile if a guy says in his online dating profile...<br />
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<i><b>The one thing I'm most passionate about:</b></i><br />
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"Meeting beautiful new women"<br />
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"Elks Lodge"<br />
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"Yoga"<br />
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"Finding my soul mate"<br />
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"Church" (with no other mention of God or Jesus at all in the profile. Bleh...I'm not into churchy culture with no actual relationship with the Lord. Incidentally, most of these men are from Texas. Shocker...).<br />
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A rant on Second Amendment rights (also likely from Texas)<br />
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<b><i>Three things I can't live without</i> (like, they're up there with air and water):</b><br />
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"Video games"<br />
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"America"<br />
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"My Mom"<br />
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"Guns"<br />
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"Some lovin"<br />
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<b><i>Last book I read and enjoyed:</i></b><br />
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"I can't remember the last book I read"<br />
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"Calvin and Hobbes"<br />
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A long list of Nicolas Sparks novels<br />
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"I really like books by Joel Osteen"<br />
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<b><i>What I'm looking for in a woman:</i></b><br />
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"Extremely beautiful and incredibly intelligent" (ugh...cocky?)<br />
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"A Gamer girl"<br />
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"I'm not attracted to girly girls in the slightest"<br />
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"I'm not looking for the perfect woman, but one who's perfect for me" (gag! I see this cliche all the time!)<br />
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<i><b>If his profile pictures consist of...</b></i><br />
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Self-portraits taken in front of a mirror<br />
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Pictures of landscapes (not him)<br />
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Pictures of his dog (not him)<br />
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A dessert (not him)<br />
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Him with full Goth makeup<br />
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Photos of him with no shirt (vain, much?)<br />
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No photos (really?)<br />
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Not a single picture is of him smiling (Creeper! "He's climbin in yo window, snatchin' yo people up...")<br />
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Him wearing sunglasses in every single picture (um, it would very much reassure me to know you have eyes)<br />
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A picture showing only his biceps<br />
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<b><i>Other miscellaneous info:</i></b><br />
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A guy who not-so-subtly encrypts their Facebok or email into the profile (like "<i>Look me up. Smith on FB or at the Google place</i>" I interpret this as: "<i>I'm too cheap to pay for an account, so I'm gonna make you do all the work of pursuing me even though I'm the dude..</i>.")<br />
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Someone with terrible English ("<i>God is my row model</i>")<br />
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The man who says "Maybe" when it comes to having children one day (I learned the hard way from past experience that Maybe usually means No, but he knows that if he says No, girls won't even consider him. I don't even consider the Maybe's...).<br />
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<b><i>Occupation:</i></b><br />
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"Unemployed"<br />
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"I'll tell you later"<br />
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An animal "whisperer"<br />
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Fast food restaurant "sign shaker"<br />
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<b><i>Refers to himself as </i>(instead of using a real first name)<i>:</i></b><br />
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Mr. Snuggles<br />
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Big Thunder<br />
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The name of a board game<br />
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A letter (i.e. "X" or "M")<br />
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Soul Mate<br />
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I hope you got a good laugh out of all that. I've laughed a lot lately...all before I hit the delete button.<br />
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And to set the record straight, there are a lot of profiles I DO keep open. Particularly the ones that talk a lot about Jesus, missions and Mark Driscoll sermons ;)<br />
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The ironic thing is, last night when I went scanning through profiles I'd closed to come up with this list, these guys saw that I had viewed their profile...and started trying to communicate with me! Crap!<br />
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Oh well, I guess this is my "kissing frogs" phase. Someday my prince will come. (Hopefully not taking pictures of his muscles in the mirror).<br />
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Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-28809979842363294902013-06-26T22:44:00.000-07:002013-06-26T22:45:27.558-07:002013-06-26T22:45:27.558-07:00The [unexpected] Perks and [misinterpreted] Perils of Online Dating<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Online dating and I have had a rocky relationship. I have been fickle and unfaithful from the start, flirting with the prospect, but never committing.<br />
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If I were more gutsy, I'd change my relationship status on Facebook to: "It's Complicated with eHarmony."<br />
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I've never been able to make up my mind about the whole thing. Avril Lavigne would surely question my need to make everything so freakin' complex (more 90's references, forgive me. I'm just in that kind of mood), but over the years, I've played my own devil's advocate to think through all the possible perils and perks that could stem from the internet road to intimacy. Until very recently, the perils always won out...</div>
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Two weeks ago, I was shocked by my own insight. The words just tumbled out of my mouth to my counselor: "<i>I feel ashamed to be looking at dating sites</i>." </div>
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Never had I been so honest about my thoughts on the subject before. Mostly because I tried to keep the whole thing hush-hush to begin with. My secrecy stemmed from the shame factor. Feeling embarrassed and guilty, I've had on-again, off-again seasons throughout my twenties where I looked at profiles, sent flirty "smiles" and even started seeing someone I met online. Even those things were a HUGE step for me. When I first signed up for eHarmony five years ago, I actually felt so ashamed that, although I paid for a four-month subscription, I only used it for three days. </div>
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Armed with the revelation that <i>shame</i> was the real emotion I was feeling (more than embarrassment at the stigma, but the sense that I had somehow done something <i>wrong</i>), I began to poke and prod at the idea: praying, journaling, reading and seeking counsel about the whole thing. My big question was <i>why</i> do I feel this way about online dating? And <i>should</i> I be feeling this way? Here's what I came up with...</div>
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<i>Why I've always felt ashamed/embarrassed/guilty for online dating:</i> I grew up in the<i> I Kissed Dating Goodbye </i>generation where I thrived on love stories that revolved around young adults meeting their spouses "the old fashioned way" (more on that later) at church circa the age of 23. My expectation for how my future husband and I would get together was that he would (as the story goes): "See me from across the room, hear a voice from heaven that I was "the One," intensely pursue me, sweep me off my feet in a wonderfully romantic courtship, propose and put a ring on my finger all within six months of meeting me." And why not? I actually <i>know</i> people who have these stories (not just the Joshua Harris re-tellings I've clung to as though they were Scripture since I was 15)! <i>I will patiently wait for the fairy tale to unfold,</i> I told myself. <i>This is clearly </i>God's <i>way of doing things</i>...</div>
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Feel free to chuckle at my lofty expectations, but pause to think how closely they might resemble your own, single gal. Food for thought :)</div>
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Truth is, I've always equated online dating with bitterness and "settling" (like people who tell God "<i>If you don't give me what I want, I'm just gonna go get it myself!</i>"). If I dared to venture onto eHarmony or ChristianMingle, I immediately likened it to a Sarah (and Abraham) move; taking matters into her own hands to make her heart's desire (and God's promise) come true. Thus the immediate pangs of guilt: <i>Ugh! Look at me. Failing to trust God...</i></div>
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But wait! Is that true? Is online dating "failing to trust"? Am I no longer "patiently waiting" for God to come through if I subscribe to a website that introduces me to single men who love Jesus (and want to be missionaries!)? </div>
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A single friend recently had an older, Christian lady admonish her: "Don't you dare <i>go looking</i> for a husband!" I think this attitude, while perhaps well-meaning, is harmful to single women. And very misunderstood. Suddenly keeping our eyes open and actively waiting has become sinful. It's as if going online to meet a potential husband is somehow as evil as going online to look at porn. </div>
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In shaming people away from online dating (or even venturing to local singles groups), we've done ourselves and others in the Christian community a disservice. We truly have put God in a box by saying that <i>His way</i> is that people meet their spouses for the first time in person and ONLY when they are "not looking" to meet someone. We must be 100% content and we must not be looking <i>at all</i> until that person arrives at our doorstep/church/work/social gathering. (I hope you read the sarcasm in that last line). This is what my friend calls "Meeting someone the 'old fashioned' way."</div>
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Pause. How 'old fashioned' are we talking here? Do you remember how people<i> in Biblical times</i> got together? Allow me to remind you...</div>
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<i>Rebecca was found, NOT by her husband, Isaac, but by <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+24&version=NLT" target="_blank">a man Isaac's father hired</a> to find Isaac a wife! </i></div>
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<i>Ruth followed her mother-in-law's advice and <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ruth+3&version=NIV" target="_blank">used her "feminine wiles" to entice Boaz</a> (he had already noticed her, but this "taking matters into her own hands" as some might interpret a modern parallel, was what caused him to step up and commit. And Scripture didn't seem to frown upon it!). </i></div>
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<i>Mary was <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%201:18-25&version=NIV" target="_blank">betrothed to Joseph </a>most likely through a traditional match made by their parents years prior to her being "of marrying age" (as in the case in many cultures throughout the world), not necessarily because they saw each other, "fell in love" and decided to get married. </i></div>
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It seems that the "old fashioned" way of doing things (meet in person, fall in love, make the decision between the two of you to get married) isn't necessarily as "old" as we think it is. Perhaps the <i>more</i> traditional way is actually <i>match-making. </i>Maybe eHarmony is on to something after all...(Note: For those unfamiliar, eHarmony actually matches you with potentials, as opposed to simply searching through profiles like most other sites. They pick em for you. I like that. There's something "old fashioned" about it) ;)</div>
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Which leads me to my other original question: <i>What </i>should<i> I feel about online dating?</i></div>
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First of all, online dating is NOT sin. It should NOT be a cause for guilt or shame. Nor do I think it's choosing merely the "good" instead of "the best" (as some people would over-spiritualize). Such thoughts assume that God's will is that <i>everyone </i>would meet and fall in love through an "old-fashioned" method that's really only existed in Western culture for the last 100 years. How limiting of our creative God to say that other ways of meeting people absolutely would not be part of His plan for us. </div>
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And really, <i>how arrogant of me to think that it's all up to me anyways</i>? As though online dating automatically secures me a relationship ("Ha! Look what I got! I did it MY way!") and as though God has nothing to do with it. <i>God is still sovereign and orchestrating the circumstances of my life!</i> If it is His will that I meet someone on eHarmony, you'd better believe that He will be overseeing that process and making sure it happens! </div>
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But I don't want to be the stubborn one to tell God <i>how</i> exactly I will meet my spouse and <i>what </i>the whole process has to look like. Do we ever stop and think that maybe we haven't met "Mr. Husband" (as one lady I met would call her FH before she was married) yet because we're not open to God introducing anything or anyone outside of our expectations?</div>
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So, as a godly Christian gal, I keep my options open. I smile and talk to single guys, at the store or at church (despite whether or not they appear to be "my type"). I shun the "creeper-fest" and "meat market" labels of singles groups and give 'em a try with my fellow single girl allies. I'll see who eHarmony matches me with (many a mission-minded man, amazingly enough!). But most importantly, I will trust God to guide the process. I'll humble myself to let Him work in His way.</div>
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And maybe, just maybe, that's outside my "old-fashioned" box...</div>
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Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-68711940555637674392013-06-25T20:01:00.003-07:002013-06-25T20:01:56.065-07:002013-06-25T20:01:56.065-07:00Amalgamation of a Future Husband<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've spent much of my life immersed in or on the outskirts of charismatic circles. As is fitting for inclusion in such groups, you'd better believe that I have been prayed for and prophecied over many a time. Specifically regarding my mysteriously wonderful and amazing future husband.<br />
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Who is he? Apparently, everyone <i>else</i> seems to know...<br />
<br />
While I fully believe in biblical prophecy and always appreciate a word of exhortation, I have to laugh when I piece together all the little tidbits of "foretelling" I've received over the years. Granted, not all of them came with a "prophecy" label attached, but these are the comments that people make with a sly smile or ironic laugh as they proceed to tell me what kind of man they think I'll end up with.<br />
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Keep an eye out for him, will ya?<br />
<br />
<i>My future husband's ethnicity/nationality will be...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Australian<br />
Chinese-American<br />
Canadian<br />
American (from California or the mid-west)<br />
British<br />
Asian<br />
Half-Asian<br />
<br />
<i>My future husband's career will be...</i><br />
<br />
Business guy<br />
Missionary<br />
Pastor<br />
Public speaker<br />
Taxi driver<br />
Musician<br />
A YWAMer<br />
A non-YWAMer<br />
Something that makes him rich<br />
<br />
<i>He will be both...</i><br />
<br />
Taller than me<br />
Shorter than me<br />
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<i>And I will be...</i><br />
<br />
Very surprised<br />
Very blessed to have him (and he to have me)<br />
Engaged really quickly<br />
<br />
<i>And he is...</i><br />
<br />
___________<br />
___________<br />
___________<br />
___________<br />
___________<br />
<br />
Yes, you deduced those blanks correctly: There have been <i>specific men named </i>as my future mate! Granted, one (maybe two) of them came from my own sense years ago when I was still learning to recognize God (but I was soooo sure--freakish circumstances confirmed it! lol!). Yet, the other ones came from outside sources (<i>multiple</i> people confirming two of them). Good news is, four of them are still single. Keep hope alive!!<br />
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Really, I can only laugh. It is actually very amusing... :)<br />
<br />
But boy did this ever made for a bi-polar path when it comes to thinking about guys in my younger years. At some stages, after a particularly compelling word (i.e. something I really wanted to hear), I had been closed off to hundreds of potential men simply because they did not fit that <i>very specific </i>description. Short guys, American guys and men who were not fill-in-the-blank #3 were all been "brutally rebuffed" as it were.<br />
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Yet, here I am. Ring finger still bare. Hmmmm. Someone might have been wrong.<br />
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It was probably me...<br />
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Now I've resolved to start from scratch. I don't know that I can ever truly be "expectation-less," but I can pray for an open mind and for God to help me put all the "words" behind me.<br />
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There is one word (that I've gotten over and over lately) that I feel there might actually be some truth to, though:<i>"You'll know him when you meet him."</i><br />
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Amen to that. I like clarity.<br />
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Until then, here's to mystery...<br />
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Semi-un-related endnote: This idea of "What will he be like?" reminds me of this beautiful song (except it's the girl version): "<a href="http://youtu.be/UPGQuif4I58" target="_blank">What'll She Look Like</a>?" Will I be what he is waiting for?<br />
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<br /></div>
Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-38046817059084636732013-06-23T21:45:00.000-07:002013-06-23T21:45:48.298-07:002013-06-23T21:45:48.298-07:00Missionary Dating: Flirt to Convert the Masses<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, I'm gonna quit hiding it: I'm looking for a man.<br />
<br />
Life just seems to go in circles when you're single: It's all about seasons. Over the years, there have been long stretches where I've sat back and busied myself with non-male related ventures, living up the single life and learning to be content in the wait. And then there are other seasons where it's just <a href="http://youtu.be/JXBbgzQmpJw" target="_blank">twitterpation</a> to the max and boy-crazy restlessness sets in. It's like when a new crop of students would roll into the YWAM base, all us single girl staff would have "periscopes up," subtly (or shamelessly) scoping out the new prospects. At times like these, I seriously consider patenting a "Find a Man" App. Surely there would be a market for such a brilliant invention...<br />
<br />
Scratch that...what I need is NOT a "Find a Man" App. What I need is a very specific offshoot of that concept, but FAR more necessary: I need a "Find a Missionary" app.<br />
<br />
After all, we've got eHarmony and ChristianMingle to scout out potential mates and dates (if any of you have tried both, which I have, you realize that the former really is a "marriage site" as it claims, and the latter is for Christian boys who can't make up their minds. Or, in the words of a co-worker, "The guys only go on [ChristianMingle] because they want [to hook-up with] a virgin."). But even fishing from a pond stocked with men who love Jesus isn't quite narrow enough for some of us mission-minded gals. They tell us there are a lot of "fish in the sea," but I, personally, have to keep throwing back a lot of<br />
em because they're not so much swimming in the direction of the nations. (This America pond is a bit stagnant...).<br />
<br />
My friends and family are praying for a good catch and I'm praying for a missionary. I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive, of course, but I do want to be very specific in my requests. And, just being real, those requests are coming on a daily basis now. By seriously upping my prayer level over the last six months. I've gone <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+18%3A1-8&version=NIV" target="_blank">"persistent widow</a>" on Jesus, unrelenting in my request for a mate and ministry partner.<br />
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After all, wasn't it <i>God</i> who put both callings in my heart to desire?<br />
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This morning, my pastor said that the mark of spiritual maturity is when we come to fully desire what God desires. For the last 3 years, it has been my constant prayer that God would "set my heart where He wants it to go." So, here I am. I keep returning to the three core desires of my being: To know God, to be a missionary, and to get married. Surely, after all those prayers and intense seeking of God's will for my life, there must be a reason why I always end up back here. It must mean one thing: Those desires are GOOD!<br />
<br />
Someone had to say it! Single gals in particular suffer the stigma of being labeled "desperate" if we voice our desire for a husband and children. When we ARE brave enough to vocalize this [godly!] longing, we are shushed with a little pity pat on the shoulder and cliche admonitions like "Be content in your singleness" and "Make Jesus your husband." These are probably the same people who take a purely "spiritual allegory" position on the Song of Solomon. Not gonna lie, I don't draw much from SoS as a single, aside from frustration. [And ironically, in this twitterpated state, Paul tells me it's actually <i>better </i>for me to marry than to "burn with passion."]. Hmmmm. The Bible is a strong advocate for marriage, it seems...<br />
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Now, before you go all 90's "Well, duh!" on me, let me just say that we really do NEED to be reminded of that! How often have you (assuming your the target audience single gal reader of my blog) felt "desperate" any time you've expressed your desire to be married? Most likely, you weren't <i>actually</i> desperate (my theory is that if you were truly desperate, you would have been married by now...to the first breathing option that showed interest), but you felt that pressure to be content and stop desiring marriage so strongly.<br />
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Forgive me for the repetitive thought, but just allow it to sink in: <i>Singles, it is OKAY to desire marriage! </i>We were <i>made</i> for companionship. We were<i> made</i> to have babies. We were <i>made </i>for sex. We were <i>made </i>to walk through life with just one person for the rest of our lives. We were <i>made</i> to experience the amazing allegory of the relationship between Christ and the Church this side of heaven (okay, so there is some allegory in SoS, I'll admit. I think that's more clear in <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+5%3A21-32&version=NIV" target="_blank">Ephesians 5, </a>actually. I still think Solomon was talking more about sexual positions than allegorical positions. But I digress..).<br />
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Before you protest about <i>what we were made for</i> with the myriad of examples out there of brokenness (divorce, infertility, singles never marrying...), let me point out that marriage, sex and babies were God's ideal designs for us. Yes, there is sin in the world and a very real enemy that breaks, taints and takes away God's created blessings, <i>yet these blessings are all still available to hope for, to pray for, and Lord-willing, to attain</i>. Don't fall into the world's trap of cynicism and lose hope just because you've been (or you've seen the ones you love) hurt.<br />
<br />
I'll close with this thought...<br />
<br />
I just finished reading a book called "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shattered-Dreams-Gods-Unexpected-Path/dp/0307459500/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372047370&sr=8-1&keywords=shattered+dreams+larry+crabb" target="_blank">Shattered Dreams</a>" by a brutally honest Christian psychologist named Larry Crabb. In the book, he made a fascinating comment about the state of modern Christianity that made me think WE need missionaries (or at least prophets) to bring us back to the Truth. We have, as Crabb says, become "practical Buddhists."<br />
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At the core of the Buddhist religion is the belief that the way to achieve peace and perfection (Nirvana) is to eliminate all desire. Stop wanting so much.<br />
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Sound familiar? We hear some derivative of that all the time in Christian circles. Crabb turns the thought on its head and exposes our misunderstanding of the Truth:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"''<i>Don't let your hearts be troubled. Find some way to feel less pain, to reduce your desire for what you do not have. If you succeed, call it contentment. Call it deep trust.'</i> We think that's what Jesus taught. But it's really advice from Buddha."</div>
<br />
Jesus never asked us to kill our longings. Desire is another God-ordained creation we can add to our list: We were indeed "made to crave." Don't silence the longing. Embrace it. Be honest about it. And pray the Lord brings it to pass.<br />
<br />
As my roommate and I were driving home tonight, I told her how dumb I think it is when Christians skirt around the actual asking for a spouse for themselves or a single friend. They pray the ever-so-holy: "God,<i> if it be your will</i> that my sister gets married..." or the spiritual anti-ask, "God, help them to realize they need you more than a husband." What's up with that? Adam had perfect communion with God and God very directly pointed out that it was "not good" for him to be alone. GOD said that, not man! Clearly God wants His children to have spouses. MARRIAGE, not singleness, is <i>the</i> good we were created for!<br />
<br />
So I've started boldly praying, in Jesus name, for spouses for my single friends. None of this disclaimer non-sense. God already knows what I'm gonna ask, so I might as well be real about it. It's like praying for someone to get healed. Do I know whether or not God will heal that person? Of course not. I just need to pray and trust Jesus to do His healing thing. The same is true with marriage. Maybe not all those people I pray for will get married, <i>but I will pray it!</i> I want to stand in faith and not doubt. God's not into double-minded waves: He's into kids with mustard-seed faith and boldness not to beat around the bush. Just ask already!<br />
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(And just to encourage you, if you're a subscriber, you're most likely already in my "Single File" prayer list. Even if you haven't got the guts to pray regularly for a spouse for yourself, at least you've got somebody else advocating for you. You're welcome...) :)<br />
<br />
Go ahead: Be honest about what's in your heart, persistent single. Ask God for a spouse. He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing. Single gals, that's YOU! <i>You </i>are the good thing--an answer to a godly man's prayer! And single guys, don't be ashamed or too scared to settle down. Your wife will be a blessing and you were created to long for her until she's in your life. Go find her (and send your single buddies out to find the rest of us!) ;)<br />
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So, friends, allow me to be the first to proudly proclaim (as Nia Vardalos' just said in the <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0762105/" target="_blank">movie</a> that's playing in the background), I am officially "open for wooing."<br />
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Tell those missionary men they know where they can find me :)<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-17781390545605690932012-09-20T08:17:00.000-07:002012-09-20T08:17:13.747-07:002012-09-20T08:17:13.747-07:00Hidden and Broken<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">"Now Rachel had taken the household gods</span><sup class="crossreference" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV1984-908A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> and put them inside her camel’s saddle</span><sup class="crossreference" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV1984-908B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> and was sitting on them. Laban searched</span><sup class="crossreference" style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV1984-908C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> through everything in the tent but found nothing."</span> </i></div>
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Genesis 31:34</div>
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Shame always leads to hiding.<br />
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Like Adam and Eve, it grieves us to think that even a moment of disobedience has the shocking ability to separate us from deep communion with God.<br />
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So, we take cover--refusing to be seen.<br />
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We keep secrets--we hide--because we don't want anyone to know that we are clutching hidden comforts. We make excuses so divert people's attention away from them.<br />
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No one else may ever find them, but it doesn't mean they aren't doing us damage.<br />
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They make us feel safe...but at what cost?<br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>'Without knowing fully what we are doing, we hide the things we secretly love and admire under our skirts, like Rachel, sitting primly and righteously on our camels, wondering why we are not whole, why we still suffer, why we feel unreconciled to the God we profess."</i></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
-Leslie Williams</div>
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Ask yourself:<br />
<br />
What am<i> I</i> hiding? What "household gods" (idols) am I wanting to take with me as God calls me to leave where I am at and journey somewhere entirely unfamiliar? (Not that I truly WANT to take these things with me into a new season--just that the thought of leaving them behind scares me so much).<br />
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I know I am not whole. But what keeps me from being so?<br />
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What is MY secret?<br />
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Is it lust? Gluttony? Self-hatred? Non-sexual fantasy?<br />
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Am I willing to name it? Am I willing to release it?<br />
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<br /></div>
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<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<i><span class="text Eph-5-11" id="en-NIV-29316" style="font-size: 16px;">"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness,<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29316U" title="See cross-reference U">U</a>)"></sup> but rather expose them...</span><span class="text Eph-5-13" id="en-NIV-29318" style="font-size: 16px;">everything exposed by the light<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29318V" title="See cross-reference V">V</a>)"></sup> becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.</span><span class="text Eph-5-14" id="en-NIV-29319" style="font-size: 16px;"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;"> </sup>This is why it is said:</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16px;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16px;"><i>'Wake up, sleeper,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16px;"><i>rise from the dead,</i></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16px;"><i>and Christ will shine on you.'"</i></span></div>
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<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16px;">-Ephesians 5:11-14</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
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Be honest with God about what lies hidden in the shadows of your heart, mind and habits.<br />
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Allow the power of Jesus to illuminate your life: Take the bold step to tell a sister in Christ about your secret. Ask her to pray for you and with you.<br />
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Kill the darkness with light.<br />
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It's the only way to be free and whole...<br />
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<span style="background-color: #f9fdff; color: #001320; line-height: 21px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"So admit your sins to each other, and pray for each other so that you will be healed."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f9fdff; color: #001320; line-height: 21px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f9fdff; color: #001320; line-height: 21px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-James 5:16</span></span></div>
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Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-39124280909708042992012-09-04T20:35:00.001-07:002012-09-04T20:35:17.269-07:002012-09-04T20:35:17.269-07:00Singleness Survival Kit: Item #3<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<strong>Item #3: Podcasts</strong></div>
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Not gonna lie, I'm slightly addicted to the spoken Word via podcast. This is probably a laughable understatement to those who know me, but I fully admit to being I'm a total nerd...especially when it comes to the Bible. I absolutely love studying and learning about Scripture through listening to inspiring preaching and teaching. While I have a whole list of favorites, there are a select few gems related to the blessed state of singleness. Fantastic resources to encourage and inspire us in the wait...<br />
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<em>-"Redeeming Ruth" series: Mars Hill Church</em></div>
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<em>-"Song of Solomon" series: Mars Hill Church</em></div>
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<em>-"Single in Christ: A Name Better than Sons and Daughters": Desiring God</em></div>
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For the sake of this post, following the same format as the two previous survival items, I'm gonna stick with one podcast and share some meaningful quotes/my personal reflection on each. Introducing Carolyn McCulley, a wise, fun, passionate lady discussing the beauty & challenges of singleness at the 2004 Desiring God conference (the theme was <em>Sex and The Supremacy of Christ)</em>. <br />
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Check it out: <a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/were-not-on-hold-biblical-femininity-for-single-women" target="_blank">"We're Not On Hold"</a>.<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU">On the proper view of singleness:</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<span lang="EN-AU"><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /><strong>"It’s easier to think about being single in terms of being graciously endowed to serve the church in our season of being unmarried than it is to think about it as a gift [like] 'I didn’t want this to begin with and I want to exchange it!'...</strong></div>
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</span><span lang="EN"><strong>But there’s a purpose for the gift [which we read about in 1 Corinthians 12:7]: 'To each is given the manifestation of the spirit for the common good...'"</strong></span><br />
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<em>What this means for me:</em><br />
Repent of my self-pity and the self-centered perspective that only thinks of my own lack of contentment/fulfillment in my single state. Focusing solely on my own feelings of discouragement towards this "gift" keeps me from recognizing that my singleness is a gift given to me TO BE GIVEN AWAY. I have the time and availability to pour myself out and focus on blessing others in a way that I couldn't if I was married right now. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit has apportioned this gift to me for the good of my fellow believers--that I am in the best place/position as a single to fill my unique role in the Body right now.<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
On "You won't get married until..." statements:</div>
<br />
<span lang="EN"><span lang="EN"><strong>"Married people...look at singles and say 'You’re not gonna get married until you get content in your singleness.' But it’s not really accurate theology, because God doesn’t require us to attain any state before He gives us a gift. It’s all of grace. It’s all unmerited."</strong></span><br /><br /><em><span lang="EN">What this means for me:</span></em></span><br />
<span lang="EN">I can't DO enough, perform, attain a certain level of character or somehow scheme my way into getting married. Yes, I've written about this before, but it's a HUGE revelation for me. Everyone steps into marriage imperfectly and we all fall short of being able to please God with our own "righteousness." If I could somehow earn a spouse through achieving perfect contentment in singleness, as McCulley says, it would cease to be a gift. (And besides, how many married people do YOU know that were 100% content to be single before they got married? We <em>should</em> seek to be content in the Lord, it's true, but shouldn't use it as a backwards attempt to get what we "really" want).</span><br />
<span lang="EN"><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />On preparing for parenting:</div>
<br />
<strong>"Am I participating in the work of evangelising and discipline the next generation? Am I being faithful to love the children that are already in my life while I trust the Lord with the desire to be a mother? In other words, am I willing to invest in other people’s blessings while I wait on my own?"</strong><br />
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<em>What this means for me:</em><br />
Do I sit around and lament about my Mommy-longings or am I actually <em>using</em> the lessons I know about parenting & pouring into children and youth to positively influence those young people around me? In college, I loved studying Marriage & Family and Developmental Psychology. I've got a whole slew of theories from these courses (not to mention at least a half dozen books on the subject), but have typically failed to seize the opportunities where I can put them into practice now ("I'm not a parent yet..." is the logical excuse). But there are nieces, nephews and kids from church that God has placed in my life--I want to be a better steward of shepherding these little ones!<br />
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<br />
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On God's silences in answering our questions/prayers:</div>
<br /><span lang="EN"><strong>"When we’re tempted to wonder, 'Can I trust God with my hopes?' we need to remember that what we can see of our circumstances is not all that’s there. We need to remember that God’s silences are not His rejections. They are simply preparations for a greater revelation of Him."</strong></span><br />
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<span lang="EN"><strong></strong><br />
<em>What this means for me:</em><br />
Here, McCulley is paraphrasing Henry Blackaby about our view of God and His apparent lack of response to our prayers. The biggest issue here is FAITH. Can I believe that God not only hears my prayers, but is acting and working out circumstances that I can't see to bring my best and highest good to pass? Do I really believe that God is faithful to be trusted with something as fragile and essential as my heart? I have to believe that just because I don't see the answers to my prayers yet doesn't necessarily mean that I will be single forever (God "rejecting" me and my desires). Could it be that the longer I wait for His answer, the more glory that answer will bring to Him? We always value more dearly something we paid a great price for. The waiting is costly. Do I believe the revelation of His glory, power and faithfulness as a result of the waiting will be worth the cost?<br />
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On pinpointing the "reason" why we're single:</div>
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</span><span lang="EN"><span lang="EN"><strong>"We’re not single because we’re too old or too young, too fat or too skinny, too loud or too quiet. Not because we’re in a church where there’s hardly any single men. Not because we’re in a church with a lot of single men who decided that we’re not important anymore and who overlook us. We’re not single, ultimately because of any sin in our past. We’re single because that’s God’s provision for us today."</strong></span></span></div>
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<em>What this means for me:</em><br />
God is sovereign. He is in control of my life. If <em>He</em> didn't want me to be single right now, He would provide a spouse at this very moment. But as a child of God who is diligently seeking His heart and His will for my life, if my ring finger remains bare, I trust that it is not because I made too many mistakes or that I am "too much or not enough" of something. The Lord will give me my "daily bread" as I need it. In McCulley's words, God being the Author of our lives "means we can rule out worldly ways of thinking about why we're single." It's always a temptation to get insecure and question--to sucumb to the worldly ways that tell us to "fix ourselves" out of singleness. I am learning to daily reject those lies and chose to be thankful for the provision He has for me today--whatever that looks like.<br />
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<span lang="EN"><span lang="EN">On Romans 8:28 in action:</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN"><span lang="EN"><strong>[Quoting Don Raunikar] "If and when God decides you can best serve him as a team member with a life partner, you won’t need to change (what you‘re doing)…HE will work out the circumstances…This favor of the Lord is what God extends to His children in arranging the circumstances for them to meet their life partners."</strong></span></span><br />
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<em>What this means for me:</em><br />
McCulley points out that in the stories of Ruth and Rebecca in the Bible, it was God who brought each of those women their spouses. They didn't have to hunt. They were simply living faithfully to the Lord and serving others and then BOOM! God did the work. HE organized the situations of their meeting and falling in love. Raunikar wisely says "<span lang="EN"><span lang="EN">We can trust God to arrange those circumstances." I don't have to get nervous like John Mayer's lonely paranoia in <em>Love Song for No One</em>: "I could have met you in a sandbox/I could have passed you on the sidewalk/Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away?" My life is in God's hands. I didn't miss my chance...</span></span><br />
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(As an inspiring aside, last month, one of my single male friends reminded me that God is FAR MORE invested in seeing me and my future spouse come together than I am. It seems impossible, but God's view of marriage is much, much more significant than mine--He is more excited than I am to bring a marriage to pass!)<br />
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<br />On waiting:</div>
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<strong>"Waitingfaith is a high form of worship…God delivers His servants in ways that have them exercising their faith" (Charles Spurgeon).</strong><br />
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<em>What this means for me:</em><br />
Am I living my days in fear (anxiety over whether or not God is gonna "get it right") or in faith that He WILL? Am I making the most of this wait by using it to deepen my trust in the Lord and His goodness? Am I exercising my faith by believing <em>even though</em> I don't see circumstances changing? <br />
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If waiting is worship, let me do it with everything within me: Eyes fixed on Him, with a grateful & joyful spirit, ever proclaiming His name.<br />
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</span></span>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-44384736621272837852012-07-14T20:15:00.001-07:002012-07-14T20:15:46.826-07:002012-07-14T20:15:46.826-07:00Singleness Survival Kit: Item #2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span lang="EN-AU"><strong>Item #2: "I Will Wait for You" by Janette...ikz</strong></span></div>
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It took me a good week to watch this YouTube video after a friend posted it on her Facebook, with the tagline "This is sooooo awesome!!!" Not gonna lie, the title bothered me: Too "True Love Waits"ish for my taste. And besides, I saw that the video was actually a poem. Immediately, I got visions of a flowerly, overly optimistic 15 year old girl emblazooning cutesy words in curly script over a homemade montage of the sappiest scences from <em>The Notebook.</em> Just what I need, more Christian cliche...</div>
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Well, wasn't <em>I </em>shockingly surprised (humbled) to find that it was not only <em>slam</em> poetry (very cool...), but it was some of THE most clever, articulate and genuine words I'd ever heard/read on the subject of singleness. Not only that, it came from the mouth of a Christian <em>woman, </em>with all kinds of humour, sass and wit to back up it's depth of substance.</div>
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Like <em>Passion and Purity</em>, item numero dos in my Singleness Survival Kit never gets old. I can go back to this again and again--and I am just as inspired and challenged as I was the first time I saw it. I'd encourage you to check out the video of slam poet "Janette...ikz" reading "I Will Wait For You" in front of a live audience at a P4CM poetry slam. The energy of the audience makes it that much more enjoyable...you'll see what I mean :)</div>
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<a href="http://youtu.be/igCj3jsbcqs">Watch</a> it...</div>
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In this blog, I want to highlight the best of the best quotes from the poem--at least the ones that have been most impactful to <em>me </em>in navigating singleness. </div>
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Go ahead, shout a little "Amen" as you read these. You know you want to... ;)</div>
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<span lang="EN-AU"><strong>“You know… I was tired of being alone, <br />And I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time so I decided to drag him along for the ride, cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride.. <br />So I was gonna make him ‘The One’.”</strong></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU"><em>What this means for me-</em></span></div>
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<br />Resist restlessness! There have been several periods over my young adult life where I either felt: a) exasperated (“I’m <em>done</em> with this wait, thing! I just feel so weary!” Sigh...) or b) anxious to take control and make <i>something</i> happen. When <em>“It’s about that time”</em> becomes a nagging thought, striving soon follows. This is where the settling starts--and the “brilliant” idea that somehow through my pretty face, inspiring spirituality or other clever little persuasive techniques, I can magically transform any willing (or unwilling) prospect into “The One.” False...</div>
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The conclusion that I’ve come to? I'd rather have a “pre-made” man. Let me clarify to say, while I full expect to do a lot of learning/growing together as a couple (ideally encouraging each other in Christlike-ness more and more everyday), I want someone whose process of growth/maturity began well BEFORE I stepped into the picture. I pray for a man of God who was taught to be so <em>directly from the Father</em>, not from my nagging or striving to somehow force him into that mold.</div>
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<br /><strong>“Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me. Arties so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through me”</strong></div>
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<em>What this means for me-</em></div>
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<br />Heartonmysleeve Syndrome: If such a thing exists, I’m pretty sure I have it.</div>
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In my flesh,<em> I have been far too quick to give my heart away at little cost to the recipient.</em> Jesus, teach me to view my heart as a treasure! To not “throw my pearls before pigs.” I want to live in daily surrender--submitting myself to God, seeking to have no will of my own, but <em>only to want that which He wills for me</em>. I am challenged to hold my dreams and desires with an open hand, without grasping or clinging jealously to what I (think I) want. Only with hands opened in surrender can the Lord place there what <em>He</em> wants to be. Far better than my own dreams suffocating in my tight, unrelenting grip…</div>
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<br /><strong>“I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of you to appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention and short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’”</strong></div>
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<em>What this means for me- </em></div>
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<br /><i>“Drop the man drama!” </i>Reject the <u>lie</u> that you’re somehow wasting time if there isn’t someone in the picture or on the sidelines to flirt with/get attention from/have a crush on/strive to make something more. Believe that sitting back and WAITING for the <em>right </em>man is better than filling my mind with thoughts about and wasting my time settling for the “false companionship” of just <em>any </em>man. Carbon copy = fake. Pseudo-boyfriends, remember? They aren’t real! WAIT for the real thing...</div>
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<strong>“I will no longer get weighted down from so-called friends & family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve the Author of Time. Who is not subject to time, but I’m subject to Him.”</strong></div>
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<em>What this means for me-</em></div>
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<br />So, you’re closing in on the big 3-0? So what??!! While I’m fully aware of the potential health risks associated with having children in your 30's and 40's and what "could" happen if I don't start having kids sooner rather than later, <em>I trust that God is bigger than “what if’s.”</em> I’m not going to rush or make decisions based on my age or this societal pressure of “You’re running out of time!” I serve a God who, <em>over and over again</em> in Scripture, blessed barren women with children--well past their prime child-bearing years. The Almighty who opened doors and opened wombs 6,000 years ago is faithful to do the same today--I am convinced of that! His timing may not be my timing, but seeing as He’s the one controlling it, I think we’re good… <span style="font-family: Wingdings;">J</span> </div>
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<strong>“But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.”</strong></div>
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<em>What this means for me-</em></div>
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Some people find it cheesy when they encounter "those Christians" who are <em>constantly</em> talking about God--His grace, His love and His glory. Well, I must confess that <em>I</em> probably <em>am </em>one of those crazy people who doesn't consider it either impractical or "overly spiritual" to always be talking about Jesus. And seeing as I tend to talk about Jesus more and more in this way (can't have a conversation not related to God, God's heart or how He is working) the more I get to know Him, I find this to be an extremely attractive trait in potential men. <br />
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To be perfectly honest, I've closed eHarmony match profiles without a second glance if that person never mentions a single thing about God/Jesus in their profile, other than the note at the top that states "Religious Views: Christian." When these men are asked questions like "<em>What are you most passionate about? What do you like to do in your spare time?</em> and <em>What books have you read recently</em>?," I'm <em>thrilled </em>to see answers like "Sharing my faith, helping the homeless and the Bible." Sounds cheesy, but I want a man who claims passion for Kingdom business over sports, working out or his career. Like Janette...ikz says so well, it's not hard to spot a man of God--He will be boldly proclaiming the works of his Savior and speaking constantly of the love of his Father. <br />
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<strong>"So even if you call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent. YOU are the greatest love story ever told.”</strong><br />
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<em>What this means for me-</em><br />
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I think it's healthy and <em>necessary</em> for the single person serving the Lord and committed to following His will (whatever that means) to honestly and truly surrender the prospect of marriage. We assume we deserve it--that it is somehow our "right" to get married. We assume that because the <em>desire</em> is there in us, that it simply HAS to be fulfilled (more on that in my next post). But of course, when left unsurrendered, even desiring a godly thing like marriage can become an idol. <em>We falsely believe that the craving and restlessness of our hearts and souls will somehow be satiated by the constant companionship of an earthly lover.</em> <br />
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But the Truth is, nothing will satisfy me like Jesus. His love is perfect, His presence is constant and He understands and knows me <em>far </em>more deeply than even a husband <em>ever </em>could. <br />
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Yes, I want to be married, but I pray that I will never be fooled into thinking that there exists a greater, more fulfilling love than that of my First Love...<br />
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</span> </div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-7538825222343445172012-07-11T19:22:00.001-07:002012-07-11T19:22:59.857-07:002012-07-11T19:22:59.857-07:00Singleness Survival Kit: Item #1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<em>"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."</em></div>
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-2 Corinthians 1:4</div>
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While nothing can replace the comfort that comes from the presence of the Spirit with me daily, there have been three specific things that have been of IMMENSE encouragement to me in my journey of singleness. The Lord has used these things to creatively express the precise revelations I so desperately needed to understand regarding this stage in my life. They have been his vehicles for providing His comfort to me during what can often be difficult and confusing times. I hope that as He has comforted me with them, that they can be a comfort to you. These three things are merely simple truths from Scripture expressed by other Christian women who have stood where I stand. Yet, for all their simplicity, they have affected my perspective profoundly. They are my "singleness survival kit" :)<br />
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<strong>Item #1: "Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot</strong></div>
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Never, ever, ever will you ever need another book on navigating Christian singleness/dating/marriage...<br />
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I realize that's a VERY bold claim, but trust me--as a girl who has read DOZENS of books on these topics (both Christian and non-Christian)--this one is a gem to which no other book even comes close. EVERY topic you can think of is covered--boundaries, emotions, what men/women look for, discerning God's will, submission, masculinity, femininity--it really does have it all. It is full of Scripture, not to mention very practical, first-hand wisdom from an amazing woman of God who definitely has the credentials (authority!) to back up the intense things she writes of in the book. (Elizabeth Eliot, for those who don't know, is the widow of Jim Eliot who was one of the most famous martyr's of the 20th century. The Elliot's were missionaries in Ecuador in the 1940's and 50's). <br />
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I am insanely encouraged and convicted every time I read this book. This woman has an AMAZING love story--full of so much beauty and joy, yet so much sadness and struggle at the same time. She got married just before turning 27--which was definitely a "wait," considering this was back in the 1950's (when the average age of marriage was MUCH younger than it is now), so she definitely understands the plight of the Christian single gal very, very well. <em>Passion and Purity</em> contains many passages from the journals she kept during her singleness, as well as hindsight commentary after she was married. And, as she notes in the book, it's amazing how very little has changed in terms of the thoughts/struggles that single women had in the 40's/50's versus those of single women today. There truly is nothing new under the sun...<br />
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Here are the key quotes from this book that express the most profound singleness revelations for me personally. Along with Eliot's quotes, I've included my own internal processing and necessary response to each.<br />
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<span lang="EN-AU"><em>On our concerns that God won't get it right (bringing His perfect mate for us into our lives)</em></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-AU"><strong>“Does it make sense to believe that the Shepherd would care less about getting His sheep where He wants them to go than they care about getting there?”</strong></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-AU"></span><span lang="EN-AU">What this means for me:</span><br />
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Trust God’s character and good intentions! If I am following Him and seeking His will consistently, would He lead me astray? He desires to see me get to where He wants me to be! God longs to see His will accomplished through my life--far more than I do. I can cast my cares on Him BECAUSE He cares for me.<br />
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<em>On the plight of a single man and a single woman hoping to get married</em><br />
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<strong>“Had our cause perhaps escaped His notice? Would He bother with us, when He was busy with who knew how many other worlds?”</strong><br />
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What this means for me:<br />
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<i></i>I am God’s child. He sees my circumstance and has NOT ignored my pleas (though I admit that I have often acted like the annoyingly persistent widow...). I can be assured that the Lord has heard every prayer I have prayed. And not only has He <em>listened</em>, but I can be confident that He is presently ACTING on my behalf (Philipians 2:13; Romans 8:28; Ephesians 3:20). <br />
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As Tim Keller says, <em>“The story of Joseph shows us again and again that with God, silence is not absence…often when things look like they are going the most wrong, God is most working for our good.” </em>Hagar experienced this. She was the first person in Scripture ever to give God a name. Her name for God is true for me too: He is the One who <i>sees </i>me.<br />
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<em>On waiting and being patient in the unknown</em><br />
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<strong>“I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.”</strong><br />
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What this means for me:<br />
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I have to be humble enough to accept that I have no idea what God will bring about. His ways are not my ways. I can choose to go my own way…and see how <em>that</em> turns out. Or I can, like Abraham or the disciples, follow the Lord’s call simply to “Go” and follow Him into the unknown. Because I belong to Him (I am not my own), I need not know how He will bring everything about--or even where/to whom He is leading me. To wait is to TRUST…and to surrender time and again whenever I feel impatience creeping in.<br />
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<em>On choosing how we will react to the position in life where God has us (she is speaking specifically in this passage about accepting singleness--whether temporary or permanent)</em><br />
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<strong>“Look at the choices:</strong><br />
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<strong>Rebellion--if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn’t love me.</strong><br />
<strong>Rejection--if this is what God is giving me, I won’t have any part of it.</strong><br />
<strong>Faith--God knows exactly what He’s doing.</strong><br />
<strong>Acceptance--He loves me; He plans good things for me; I’ll take it.”</strong><br />
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What this means for me:<br />
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<i></i>If I am truly the follower of Christ I claim to be, there can be no room for options 1 or 2. As Henry Blackaby says: <em>“Two words in the Christian’s language cannot go together: No, Lord. If you say, ‘No,’ He is not Lord.” </em><br />
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When it comes to my singleness, though it might not be forever (and I can’t claim to know that--see previous quote), it IS what has been given to me now. I will not wallow in self-pity about it and speak lies about the Lord’s character (that He “doesn’t love me”) simply because He is not giving me my present desires. And as far as rejection, where else I am going to go? Like Peter said, Christ has the words of life! How can you turn away and choose another path once you’ve tasted Truth? <br />
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So what will I do? <em>Believe </em>that He is sovereign and that His plan is better than mine. <em>Receive </em>the Truth into my heart that He loves me more than I can comprehend. And though I might not understand it now, I will trust that where He has led me truly is the BEST thing for this season.<br />
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<em>On not seeing/understanding the big picture of what God is doing and how He will work everything out</em><br />
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<strong>“As I was writing in the journal I knew that the picture I was painting was far from complete.”</strong><br />
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What this means for me:<br />
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When Ephesians 3:20 says that God can do much more than we could ever ask or imagine, it means that our perspectives are incredibly limited. We truly “see through a mirror dimly" (1 Corinthians 13:12). Only God knows the bigger picture. He is the Author of my life story. I will trust Him with the details, the characters, the plot and the ending. I will not claim to know more than I do about my future. I will trust that He is working in the unseen realm. I will choose not to get impatient when circumstances appear not to be coming together as I hoped they would. I will not pout even when things look as though they are completely unravelling. I will stand in faith.<br />
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<em>On surrender</em><br />
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<strong>“What hindereth thee more than thine affections not fully mortified to the will of God?”</strong><br />
<em>(Eliot quoting Thomas a Kempis)</em><br />
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What this means for me:<br />
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When my own (unfulfilled) longings and desires (even godly ones) become my primary focus, I am not walking in God’s will. My path is veering AWAY from Him because I am living in sin (idolatry). These desires need to be crucified so that they can be resurrected (if the Lord so chooses). But resurrection can only happen AFTER death. And it can only be brought about by One infinitely more powerful than me. In <em>Passion and Purity</em>, Eliot quotes Addison Leitch, who profoundly noted that <em>“When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die.” </em><br />
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Guess who <em>that’s </em>gonna be?<br />
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To me, both of those quotes ultimately mean that the longer I wait to surrender, the longer it will take me to truly walk in the fullness of intimacysooner I genuinely put to death my own will in favor of His, the sooner I will find LIFE, peace, purpose...and the Love I have always craved. My striving, my refusal to submit, only hinders me. It is only in seeking first the <i>Kingdom</i> that all of those things will be added. <br />
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Ultimately, <em>Passion and Purity</em> has been a call to re-orient my thinking. To re-submit to Jesus' Lordship daily. The subtitle says it all--the true "secret" for us singles:<br />
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"<em>Learning to bring your love life under Christ's control"</em></div>
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(p.s. <em>Passion and Purity</em> is not just for the ladies! On the cover of this book is an endorsement from Billy Graham: "This book is definitely for men, too." Just sayin, male readers...) :)<br />
</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-1710005642844693012012-06-29T20:26:00.000-07:002012-06-29T20:26:16.957-07:002012-06-29T20:26:16.957-07:00A Man Who Understands<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<em>When summer wedding invitations flood your mailbox...</em><br />
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<em>When the next big birthday creeps ever closer...</em><br />
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<em>When you don't think you could possibily muster the emotional strength to view even one more relationship status change on your Facebook news feed...</em><br />
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Remember that you are not alone! <br />
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I'm convinced that the Lord has a special place in his heart for singles. I have no scriptural basis for that other than the fact that Jesus himself, God in the flesh dwelling among us, chose to live His life as a single. <br />
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Think about how crazy this is: Statistics say that the vast majority of Americans (over 90% for sure) will marry at least once in their lifetime. Marrieds, therefore, are clearly the majority. Yet, the Father ordained that our Savior would forgo this path, in favor of singleness (at least for his earthly life as it was 2,000 years ago. We think <em>our </em>wait for a spouse is long...<em>He's</em> <em>still waiting</em> for His bride!). Until the day of his death, for 33 years, Jesus lived as a single--a life that could be construed, in some ways, as easier than being married. Yet, as any adult single can attest, when you're actually <em>living</em> singleness, day in and day out, the intense difficulties and struggles unique to living life alone are painfully obvious...<br />
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I've never really taken time to truly consider Jesus' single state before now, but as I write this, the revelation is awakening in my heart and mind. <strong>Jesus experienced my singleness struggles firsthand!</strong> Not only does He SEE my loneliness/heartache/questioning during this time, he knows exactly how it FEELS. <br />
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I take amazing comfort in the fact that Scripture tells me that my Savior...<br />
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<em>Experienced rejection</em> (Acts 4:11)<br />
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<em>Was tempted in every way I am</em> (Hebrews 4:15)<br />
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<em>Experienced loneliness and often did things alone</em> (Luke 5:16, Matthew 4:1)<br />
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<em>Questioned the Father's plan for his life (yet still chose to humbly submit to the Father's will) </em>(Philipians 4:8, Matthew 26:36-46). <br />
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*Cool thing I never noticed before: In that passage in Matthew, Jesus prayed the same desperate prayer to the Father <em>three times</em>! Wow, even Jesus understands the urge we feel to pray the same thing over and over (how many pages of my journal are almost mirror images of others from the past, expressing the same exact longings/confessions of submission to God's will above my own?). There is something deeply reassuring about this...<br />
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Just when I think I'm alone in these feelings of rejection/sadness/loneliness that surround my singleness, I remember Jesus...<br />
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<em>"He was despised and rejected by people. He was a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering. He was despised like one from whom people turn their faces, and we didn't consider him to be worth anything."</em></div>
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Isaiah 53:3</div>
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And thus I shut my self-pitying mouth...</div>
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My heart lesson today: Jesus <em>cares </em>about my struggles. Jesus <em>understands</em> my emotions. He has <em>experienced </em>what I am going through. But He will <em>never abandon me</em> in this. </div>
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He is walking <em>with</em> me. Comforting me. Strengthening me. Working His purposes in and through me, in ways far deeper than I can ever fathom.</div>
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<em>"Bare heights of loneliness...a wilderness whose burning winds sweep over glowing sands, what are they to Him? Even there He can refresh us, even there He can renew us."</em></div>
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-Amy Carmichael</div>
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</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-22709088661137104302012-06-10T20:28:00.000-07:002012-06-10T20:28:54.185-07:002012-06-10T20:28:54.185-07:00Pride, Prejudice and Divine Irony<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<em><span class="text Jas-4-14"><sup class="versenum"><span style="font-size: x-small;">" </span></sup><strong>How do you know</strong> what your life will be like tomorrow?...</span><span class="text Jas-4-15" id="en-NLT-30313"><sup class="versenum"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></sup></span></em></div>
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<em><span class="text Jas-4-15">What you ought to say is, <strong>'If the Lord wants us to</strong>, we will live and do this or that.'</span> <span class="text Jas-4-16" id="en-NLT-30314"><sup class="versenum"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></sup></span></em><em><span class="text Jas-4-16"><strong>Otherwise you </strong></span></em><em><span class="text Jas-4-16"><strong>are boasting about your own plans</strong>, and all such boasting is evil."</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">-James 4:14-16</span></div>
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"Never say never. That's just stupid..." <br />
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Those were the wise words of Beth Moore in our last video study of the book of James. Although Beth wasn't necessarily talking about relationships, that simple "Duh!" quote can certainly serve as the caption for romantic lives of nearly all of my close friends/family members. And who knows...maybe even my own one day.</div>
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Oh, humility...<br />
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Thank God for friends who have the privilege of witnessing such moments of youthful folly and stubborn insistence when we throw out blanket "I'd NEVER..." statements. Years down the road, our pals point out that the very thing we claimed we would NEVER do, we have, in fact, done...or are presently engaged in. How sweet of them to remind us. Isn't that what friends are for? ;)</div>
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As for me, my own personal "never, ever" vows seem to never, ever fail to come back and bite me in the bum...<br />
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Case in point, as a high school student, I swore up and down that when it came to the search for my first job, I would never work at "The Whit" (the arena in our college town). Everyone, it seemed, worked at The Whit...and I, of course, was not just "everyone." Like any teenager, I craved uniqueness, but in the end, followed the crowd into the world of "food service first jobs." Every weekend, I served pizza, pretzels and popcorn to hungry hockey fans and concert crowds (mostly stoned, thence munchie-minded). I said I never would, so, of course I'd end up there. <br />
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<em>Of course</em>...</div>
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While I won't claim to have perfect understanding of God's character, I surmise that this divine irony is part of the Lord's clever ploy to keep us grounded. Being faced with situations like these, we suddenly realize we have far less control over our lives than we think we do. Because every time we have to eat our words, it works to break down our pride, tear away our prejudices and open our eyes to some much needed perspective...</div>
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Nowhere do I see the "never, ever" words boomerang back as often as I do when it comes to marriage. More precisely, the choosing of a marriage partner. Literally more times than I can count, I have watched and listened to couples tell "their story" and start off with one of the following statements...</div>
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-"I wasn't attracted to him/her at all. He/she totally wasn't my type..."</div>
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-"We were just friends. I NEVER thought we would end up together!"</div>
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-"I never wanted to marry a blonde/someone shorter than me/an American" (insert specific attribute here...one that just so happened to be the very description of their spouse)</div>
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-"He/she is so different than I ever would pictured my spouse would be..."</div>
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It's fascinating to consider the reasons WHY we make such statements in the first place. We are quick to place people/circumstances in the "never, ever" category when they seem so....weird. Weird because they aren't what we initially desire. Weird because they don't fit an ideal we had in our minds. Weird because we don't think they would be what we "need." And again, we are shocked to find that what we once shunned has now taken us by surprise. Divine irony strikes again...<br />
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But should we be so surprised? Because behind every "I'd Never..." lurks a pride couched in false confidence and worldly wisdom. Walking in the arrogance of assumption and tossing out those kind of statements reveals two very common (yet false!) beliefs we cling to...</div>
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1. I know what is/is not best for my life<br />
2. I am in control of what happens to me<br />
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These lies are the biggies I tend to fall prey to...(ahem) constantly. Enveloped in the infamous (and dozens of times revised) "list" of what I want in a future husband are these lies. Every time I revise the list, I pat myself on the back for my so-called "wisdom" in thinking/planning ahead. As I list, my subconscious overflows with thoughts of, <em>"I CAN'T allow myself to get caught up in emotion when making such an important decision! I MUST be smart about the person I choose to marry by making sure that they fulfill all my criteria! I REFUSE to be caught off-guard and unprepared!" </em><br />
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Feel free to call me a control freak, but I'm just being real. Many a single guy or gal I know has such a list (whether formally written or just a mere vision in their mind) of desires to be fulfilled by that elusive FH or FW. A beautiful ideal justified by phrases like <em>"I'm really NOT searching for perfection, I swear! I think my standards are totally realistic..."</em> Which, they very well might be.<br />
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The problem isn't with the actual characteristics as much as what they represent. Looking through my own lists and recalling those of friends, 95% of the characteristics exist for my own selfish benefit. I want someone who is tall (so I can wear heels and feel comfortable), attractive (so I can show him off and be proud to call him my man), financially secure (so I don't have to worry about money), romantic (so I can always feel special and loved). Etc. etc. Everything that <em>I</em> want. All to make<em> me</em> happy...<br />
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Ugh, even reading that, the comfort-seeking, entitlement-craving Westerner in me seeks to protest:<em> "Why shouldn't I desire those things? I'm a great person! I deserve a great person too!"</em> I can even get all Christian-y about it the cliche and bust out a: "<em>Doesn't God WANT me to be happy?"</em> (Insert self-pitying tear and frowny face here...).<br />
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Yes, there is definite truth there! God is a loving, giving Father who takes delight in the joy of His children. He loves to give us good gifts! <strong>But the problem comes when we <em>demand</em> those gifts and <em>dictate</em> the exact specifications.</strong> For all the times we approach Him as such, we as believers need that kick-in-the-head reminder that Jesus Christ is NOT Santa Claus. And good thing too...because even with Santa Claus, there is condition. If we are good (so the story goes), we get the very gifts we asked for (our "list," incidentally). But if we've screwed up and made the naughty list, Santa doesn't offer much...just some dirty, smelly coal in our stocking. There's no grace with Santa. Only <em>Jesus </em>can truly give gifts with no strings attached...<br />
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The implication? I cannot <em>earn</em> my spouse. I can't plan/scheme/strive my way out of singleness. My choices themselves, for good or bad, aren't the determining factor to me receiving the gift of marriage. For as much as the world would convince me otherwise, it is not in my hands. My life is not my own...<br />
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If I truly believe that God is in control of my life, I have to believe He is in charge of this very important part of my life/future as well. Marriage is not something I can (or should even attempt to) conjure up in my own strength. I'm slowly, but surely, allowing myself to believe that I can't work (aka "strive") to achieve this. Marriage is a gift...just as singleness is. I need to learn to see both as such...<br />
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Throughout my twenties, I have struggled with the lie that I am still single because I am somehow lacking something significant. The truth is, I will ALWAYS be lacking something. This side of heaven, the mystical point where I am suddenly 100% the way I want to look, completely confident of myself and my abilities, totally emotionally healthy and entirely spiritually mature, simply does not exist. My perfectionistic self is wrestling with this crazy notion that the point of "arrival" I am seeking after will <em>never</em> arrive. I am imperfect...that's just how it is. <br />
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Instead of despairing about that fact, I want to allow it to give me the perspective I need. B<em>ecause </em>I am imperfect, I cannot attempt to earn the desire of my heart for marriage and family. And because I <em>can't earn it</em>, that means it can only be given in the form of a gift. And because it is a <em>gift</em>, I can't make demands on it's specifications. I simply need to receive it...<br />
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<strong>Maybe instead of investing my energy into listing out my own desires, I need to devote my time to preparing my heart to receive.</strong> To renounce rebellion and stubbornness. To learn to submit. To truly trust that God's gifts and plans are always GOOD. <br />
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Whenever I'm tempted "to list," I pray Psalm 37:4. Not for the Lord to give me the desires of <em>my </em>heart, but for Him to <em>give me</em> the desires of my heart. As in, Him planting <em>His </em>desires within me so that I come to desire them too. I pray that I would be open to whatever He wants for me, in whatever package it comes in. I pray that I will be humble enough to allow Him to open my eyes to something/someone different than what I always pictured. <br />
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With no prospects in my present line of sight (I do concede that God might be very purposefully blinding me to them right now) and absolutely <em>no clue</em> as to what God is up to, I very humbly admit that I have no idea what my love story will be. The motivated perfectionist in me wants to do what I can to somehow "make it happen." The creative visionary in me wants to dream up what my future marriage might look like and how it might all unfold. Yet, I cannot attempt to know. I confess that for all my years of seeking God and growing in wisdom, I know that <em>He </em>knows much better than me what I really need. I can simply stand in faith, knowing that HE is at work, unfolding His plan, in His timing. And as humbling as it is, I don't need to know the details until He chooses to reveal them.<br />
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In the meantime, I will "hold on hope"...and never say never as to what He might have in store.<br />
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</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-29733860016427872632012-05-24T23:54:00.001-07:002012-05-24T23:54:02.511-07:002012-05-24T23:54:02.511-07:00Lead Me, I'm Yours<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"What's an independent woman to do?"<br />
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A single girlfriend recently asked me this when it came to her apprehensions about marriage and questions as to why she wasn't being pursued by men. <br />
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It is the perilous plight of the strong woman: "Am I <em>too</em> strong?" my friend surmised, <em>"Too</em> independent?" Where is the line between seeking to cultivate a deep Proverbs 31 character and signifcant skill-set, yet not striving to be the leader of my own life, ministry or (future) marriage?<br />
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I totally relate to my friend's struggle. The consistent comment/compliment I have received from dozens of friends, family and co-workers over the years is: "You're such a strong woman!" Never once did I perceive it to mean anything derogatory or unattractive (nor do I think it was ever intended that way), yet I always harbored that secret thought: "What guy is going to want a woman like me?" <br />
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I don't say that out of insecurity, but out of genuine curiosity. Are there men out there who are actually <em>praying</em> for a strong woman to marry?<br />
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Because I'd think that it would be<em> far</em> less work for a man to find/marry a woman who is naturally dependant, quiet and laid back. You know, the girl who needs a man--or at least caters to his ego to have him believe that she desperately needs him (think Sarah Jessica Parker's scheme in <em>Failure to Launch</em>. She boasts a 100% success rate in reeling a guy in by "allowing" him to teach her something). Lest you think I'm this crazy feminist, allow me to say that I DO believe in interdependence. Even more signficant than that, I am a firm believer in the concept of Biblical submission of a wife to her husband (a rarity even in some Christian circles, sadly). But I digress...more on that later...<br />
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I've never been the girl who always had to have a boyfriend. In fact, sometimes I get to thinking that my strong woman persona has actually been the very thing that has kept men at bay. Despite seasons of giving into the worldly advice to "Dumb youself down" or succumb to false humility (i.e. hiding my gifts/talents, thus failing to steward them and give God glory in the process), I quickly realized that I can't go for long keeping up the impression of lack of strength, talent or intelligence. And I guess (as I've been told by a few male friends), the prospect of a person who doesn't seem to need anything is intimidating. Men quickly deduce that as a 29-year old single woman, there is little they can offer me that I haven't already done or learned to do, due to years of experience out of sheer necessity living in a grown-up world. (That's what THEY think, but Jesus and I know better. I am <em>far</em> from perfect and I have desires/needs that are designed to be fulfilled by a spouse. Though I must admit it is a battle to<em> not</em> awaken those things in my current state. In my singleness, I long for affirmation and affection more than ever...). Yet, through my seasons of struggle and in my times of lack, I have learned not to turn merely to a man, but to trust in God. A fact that I am so thankful for, yet can only hope it is a turn-on and not a deterrant to a potential husband...<br />
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Even my boss recently told me that, without a doubt, I will need a strong man for a spouse. Because of my own strength and spiritual maturity, it would take a man who truly knows himself and knows the Lord to lead me. Because, ultimately, despite all my "strength" (God-given, anway), that IS truly my heart: I long to be led. For the past several years, the Lord has so beautifully guided me and bluntly challenged me how to submit. He has trained me with Him, teaching me how to trust His character and guidance as the Lord and leader of my life. And although His leadership will always be the primary and most significant, I am confident that this process of learning to submit to <em>Him</em>, is most certainly preparing me to submit to my husband one day.<br />
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Years ago, I read <em>Wild at Heart</em> by John Eldredge. While the book encouraged me on so many levels, there is one story in particular that continues to impact me profoundly. It is an admonition of courage for the single man choosing a spouse...<br />
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<em><span style="font-family: cd9800308d99869d0cd6ead0#281300;">"Most men, you see, marry for safety; they <span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1055px;">choose a woman who will make them feel like a man but never really challenge them to be one. </span><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1156px;">A young man whom I admire is wrestling between the woman he is dating and one he knew but</span><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1258px; word-spacing: -1px;">could not capture years ago. R<span class="w6"></span>achel, the woman he <span class="w6"></span>is currently dating, is asking a lot of him; </span><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1360px; word-spacing: -1px;">truth be told, he feels in wa<span class="w7"></span>y over his head. Julie, the woman he <span class="w6"></span>did not pursue, seems more</span><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1461px; word-spacing: -1px;">idyllic; in his imagination she would be the p<span class="w6"></span>erfect mate. Life with Rachel is tumultuous; life </span><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1563px; word-spacing: -1px;">with Julie seems calm and tranquil. '</span></span><span style="font-family: cd9800308d99869d0cd6ead0#281300;"><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1563px; word-spacing: -1px;">You want the <span class="w7"></span>Bahamas,' I said. 'Rachel is the North </span><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1665px; word-spacing: -1px;">Atlantic. Which one requires a true man?'"</span></span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: cd9800308d99869d0cd6ead0#281300;"><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1665px; word-spacing: -1px;"> What a challenge for the godly man desiring a wife! And how encouraging for a North Atlantic woman like myself... ;) </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: cd9800308d99869d0cd6ead0#281300;"><span class="a" style="left: 530px; top: 1665px; word-spacing: -1px;">Preach it, Eldredge!</span></span><br />
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These days, despite my normal, "What if?" human fears ("What if all the good guys are already taken? What if I'm meant to be single forever?"), I generally tend to "err" on the side of faith. I believe that there ARE men out there who are praying for strong women after God's heart. Over the last year, the Lord has brought numerous godly men across my path, reavealing to me just a glimpse of the strong caliber and character that He is able to cultivate in men who are humbly and passionately committed to Him. And I have to believe that these men--as lovers of God and students of Scripture--know that <u>strength in a woman is not necessarily synonomous with stubbornness or unsubmissiveness</u>. Smart, strong men realize that a woman's godly strength has likely been cultivated by persevering through hard times, growing in faith and developing a daily dependance upon the Holy Spirit. Beautiful irony, isn't it? Godly strength stems from humility and submission.<br />
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And strength doesn't back down from a challenge--nor is it afraid to offer one. I might ask a lot of my man, but I hope he asks a lot of me. I pray that, like Jesus, my future husband would love me too much to leave me the way I am. I pray that he would see me as a gift entrusted to him by the Lord--one to steward wisely. That he would look forward to the day when, as a result of his loving leadership, he would present me back to the Lord as something far more beautiful and Christ-like than either of us ever thought possible.<br />
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No matter how strong I grow in myself and in the Lord, I believe I will never outgrow that deep desire within me, not to lead, but <em>to be led</em>.<br />
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It is no doubt my highest and most beautiful calling in the Kingdom...<br />
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<em>"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. </em></div>
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<em>Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness..."</em></div>
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-Ephesians 5:22-28</div>
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</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-22665807971712203642012-04-24T23:14:00.000-07:002012-04-24T23:18:57.096-07:002012-04-24T23:18:57.096-07:00Guys vs. The Gospel<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God." <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">(</span></span></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">1 Corinthians 7:33)</span></i></div>
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Have you been a good steward of your singleness?<br />
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For all the times I asked my <em>students</em> that question, I know that today, I desperately need to ask it to myself...<br />
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Because I know that there will come a time when I find myself face-to-face with the Lord, and He will ask me to give an account of how I spent my days here on earth. What will my answer be? <br />
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Should I be scared for that <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25%3A14-30&version=MSG" target="_blank">day of Judgment</a>?<br />
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The Father has given me a lengthened season of singleness (certainly longer than I would have liked...), yet I deeply trust His sovereignty and believe that He is purposefully strategic in all His plans for me. In what <em>feels</em> like a burden--and the very <em>opposite </em>of a blessing---I have come to clearly see that the Lord has bestowed upon me something wonderful and unique. As a 29-year old single woman, I have been given the rare gift of TIME.<br />
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Ever the social butterfly, my schedule is rarely void. Some days it seems like I don't have enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I desire to do. Yet, when I hang out with my "mommy and married" friends, I suddenly recognize that <em>I have no right to say that </em>I'm<em> too busy.</em> These friends are juggling jobs, caring for children and serving, supporting and seeking to please their husbands. Very few find the time to serve and love God to the degree that they would like to...<br />
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But what's MY excuse? There's no man to make happy, or mouths to feed at the moment. I have all the time in the world to devote to serving my Savior! In my present single state, the Lord CAN truly be the priority in my schedule and the sole object of my desire. <br />
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So, why <em>isn't </em>He?<br />
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A married friend recently confessed that she always struggled to live out 1 Corinthians 7 as a single. She recognized that it is a wonderful ideal--for single people to choose to remain "spouse-less" so as to devote themselves completely to knowing and serving the Father--yet she (like all of us) fell short of that goal. <br />
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"'The unmarried woman is free to focus on the things of the Lord,'" she jokingly paraphrased, "But for most of my singleness, the main thing I was praying about was the fact that I <em>wasn't </em>married!"<br />
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Hahahaha! I write that because that describes ME and my thoughts exactly (There really ISN'T anything new under the sun, is there? People are people...especially us single ladies!). Yeah, I'll be real enough to admit that those are significant things that I take to the Lord on a regular basis--my single state, my desire for a husband and my questioning of God's timing in the whole process. While the desire to be married is healthy, legitimate and (I believe) even God-ordained, I do know that I need to seriously re-evaluate my priorities. Big time...<br />
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Francis Chan spurred my most recent conviction of this. Last week, I went to a "Coffee Talk" at a local Christian university where Chan was being featured as the main speaker. I find it interesting that people always speak of Chan being so "radical," when really, he just lives out what the Bible says--even and especially when it's counter-cultural. It's insanely humbling that his answers to the questions people ask him are so simple and straight forward. (Biblical answers, he reminds us, usually are. We usually make them more complicated than they really are because they make us uncomfortable...)<br />
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One of the last questions that was asked of Chan during the talk was by a girl in her 20's who (like myself and many of my readers) was struggling with her desire to be married. Chan's response was brilliant (allow me to paraphrase)...<br />
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<em>We spend way too much time focusing on marriage and family in the Church, he said. When we read Scripture, we see that urgency is associated with the spreading of the Gospel and advancing the Kingdom, not in building families here on earth. Christians spend so much time reading books and getting input about marriage/family that the focus of their lives has become about building a better relationship with their spouse than seeking greater intimacy with God. With an unhealthy, idolatrous focus on spouses and children (good things becoming "god-things"), we have often neglected our mission of making disciples and preaching the love of Christ to the world. </em><br />
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<em>In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul encourages unmarried people to "stay as they are," and goes so far as to admonish married people to "live as if they have no spouse" (!!! Who says the Bible majors on "family values?"). Paul, like Jesus, always prioritized God over family. "God first, family second and THEN ministry," Chan quoted the little Christian cliche, "What does that even MEAN?" You cannot separate loving God from serving Him! Yet what you CAN do is teach and structure your family in such a way that your marriage/home life reflects what it means to live missionally. Is the purpose of your marriage to be a stronger, more effective team for advancing the Kingdom? Are you and your spouse bringing more glory to God as a couple than you were as singles? Are you teaching your children how to love and serve others, and to make disciples everywhere they go? THAT should be the purpose and goal of the family. </em><br />
<br />
<em>"My whole life is a mission trip," Chan said. </em><br />
<br />
As it should be... :)<br />
<br />
It's ridiculous how Satan uses something as GOOD as marriage (God's beautiful allegory for showing His supreme faithfulness, commitment and incredible love towards His bride) and twist it to become an idol. Obsession with marriage, a spouse or even the idea of a potential spouse, can easily disintegrate our true reason for existing on Earth. Being wrapped up in another human being--even our own spouse, even our own children--has the damaging potential to diminish our sense of urgency to spread the Gospel.<br />
<br />
And it clearly does all the time. I see far more sermon series on "Marriage and Parenting" than I do on "Evangelism and Serving the Poor." Likewise, we experience far more divorce than we do revival...<br />
<br />
God is pretty clear in Scripture as to who and what should be the priority of our lives: We are called to "Seek first the Kingdom." Everything else, by default, must be considered secondary...<br />
<br />
<em>"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions."</em><br />
<br />
1 Corinthians 7 challenges me like none other. It forces me to narrow my focus, always bearing in mind the urgency of the day. It reminds me to ask myself: Am I easily distracted by the cares of this world? Am I fixing my eyes on guys instead of on Jesus?<br />
<br />
These are questions I must ask every single day. I know I can only make plans based on TODAY, recognizing that everything can change in an instant. The time and freedom that I have right now might last for two years or two weeks. All I know for sure is that the Lord's plan for me is still unfolding. I can't claim to know what He is up to or where He is taking me. Who knows how long my singleness will last?<br />
<br />
But instead of dwelling on <em>that</em> question, I know there is really only one ultimate question I need to be asking about my singleness...<br />
<br />
Am I <em>truly</em> making the most of it?<br />
<br /></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-61242856041847439192012-04-23T23:28:00.002-07:002012-04-23T23:31:05.932-07:002012-04-23T23:31:05.932-07:00The Irony of Allure<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">They say you're never more beautiful than when you're in love...<br />
<br />
Yet the seasons where I have been in love have been nothing less than dramatic (in the most negative sense of the word), typically because the love was unrequited (by him) or unwanted (inconvenient for me). In the wake of such heartache, it's always a struggle to pass the mirror without focusing immediately on my flaws. Seeing myself as a sexual person, let alone the object of a man's desire, is the last thing on my mind when it seemed the first thing to be attacked (via rejection). When I feel rejected, my beauty seems distant, even <em>divorced</em> from who I am. <br />
<br />
Perhaps that first statement would be more accurate if it read like this:<br />
<br />
"You're never more beautiful than when you KNOW you are loved." <br />
<br />
The beauty of love comes not just from feeling something <em>for </em>someone else, but in experiencing someone else feeling that something towards <em>you</em>. To be the object of affection; to be singled out as special; to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are <em>desired</em>. As women, few things make us feel more alive.<br />
<br />
This is the reason why girls with boyfriends continue to get checked out, asked out...even <em>intensely pursued</em> by other men. Knowing you are loved stirs a confidence within you which can't help but attract others. You walk taller; you smile more freely; you exude joy and peace because you are comfortable in your own skin. Basking in the love of a special someone, it's as though you actually <em>are </em>more physically beautiful because you suddenly <em>believe</em> that you are. <br />
<br />
To paraphrase John and Stasi Eldredge in <em>Captivating</em>, a woman's beauty truly shows (interestingly enough) when she is NOT striving to be attractive. Beauty, they say, is <em>unveiled</em>. It is not put on when we dress up or apply more makeup. How beautifully ironic that genuine beauty comes out naturally--through confidence, peacefulness and feeling loved--not through anything we can add to ourselves.<br />
<br />
So the coveted "secret" to being beautiful is found not in working hard to become so, but in <em>becoming what you already are</em>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><em>“What if you have a genuine and captivating beauty that is marred only by your striving?” </em><em>-Stasi Eldredge</em></div><br />
I am both convicted and saddened that I have spent so much of my young life striving to fix my flaws and conjure up false beauty, only to neglect to <em>unveil</em> the beauty <em>already</em> inside me. <br />
<br />
In my current state, I can't deny that the greatest temptations I'm fighting at the moment are striving and seduction ("I'll take S-Words for 300, Alex..." A lil nod to all you SNL <em>Celebrity Jeopardy</em> fans). I admit that I am very much struggling with my desire for male attention--the extreme irony of which compelled me to write this post tonight. <br />
<br />
It's ironic, you see, because just a few months ago, in the midst of being pursued, I was all too aware that I was <em>always </em>being noticed by other men around me. While I did nothing to <em>invite</em> their looks and advances, the sexual attention seemed a constant companion. I wasn't aiming for eyes to be on me, yet I could sense just how attractive I was to so many men simply because I genuinely <em>felt</em> beautiful. Feeling truly sought after by one special man, I couldn't help but allow the beauty inside me to overflow freely to the whole world...<br />
<br />
But that was then. Today, I am plagued by those aforementioned S-words (along with a slew of others...sin, selfishness, spiritual warfare...just to name a few). If I'm completely honest, at present it is a <em>battle</em> to believe I am beautiful. I strive and seduce in attempts to prove my attractiveness, which (incidentally) gets me nowhere because any attractiveness conjured is simply "put on." It is no longer my <em>own </em>beauty...<br />
<br />
And when I'm even more honest, I can admit that that extra effort (striving) is only exerted because I am afraid. Afraid that I am not (beautiful) enough. I am convicted to the core, because I know that that fear can mean only one thing: Agape love has not yet been perfected in me. Because if I really <em>knew</em> I was loved, I wouldn't be afraid. The radically perfect love of my Father would destroy those petty fears. Soaking up His unfathomable desire for me, I would be able to surrender all my efforts to gain favor and turn heads. I would be content in knowing who I am. I would freely allow beauty to shine through me without shame. My prayer is that I would come to have deeper faith in that kind of Love.<br />
<br />
Lord, help me sense Your relentless pursuit of me. Allow me to see myself the way You see me. Let me live as a woman who knows she is loved...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><em>"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears..."</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>-Zephaniah 3:17</em></div><div align="center"></div></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-7663160290124037772012-04-18T23:55:00.009-07:002012-04-22T21:27:19.513-07:002012-04-22T21:27:19.513-07:00Pseudo-Boyfriends<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span class="line line-s" id="line_34"><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_32" jquery171032686989300744284="87"><em>"We live in a generation of not being in love a</em></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_33" jquery171032686989300744284="88"><em>nd not being together.</em></span> </span> <br />
<div align="center" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><span class="line line-s hover" jquery171032686989300744284="88"></span><em>But we sure make it feel like we're together...</em><em>"</em></div><div align="center" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><em></em></div><div align="center" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div align="center" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><span class="line line-s"><em>-Drake, "Doing It Wrong"</em></span></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><span class="line line-s">I never thought I'd be the kinda girl who finds transformative revelation in a rap song. </span><span class="line line-s">Yet, this lyric haunts me. This has been much of my relational experience throughout my twenties--developing "friendlationships" marked by intense emotional investment, devoid of commitment. Relationships where we certainly <em>acted</em> like we were together, but we were "just friends" all along. So, when I share my dating/crush/relationships stories, it's not your typical list. </span><span class="line line-s">Well-versed in the ways of the "DTR" and having experienced my fair share of heartbreak without actual break-ups, <em>I know all about pseudo-boyfriends</em>. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
<span class="line line-s">"I am a whore, I do confess..." says Derek Webb in his brilliant spiritual allegory "Wedding Dress." Lately, I find myself singing that line under my breath...</span></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
<span class="line line-s">Because I know it's absolutely true. While I have been dilligent to maintain my physical purity, I desperately wish that I had transferred that self-control into emotional abstinence as well. I have given myself away more times than I care to count. I have loved "uncarefully"--which is both beautiful and <a href="http://apassportforanengagementring.blogspot.com/2012/01/careful-love-no-such-thing.html" target="_blank">essential</a> for living out true the true Agape love we are called to as believers. Yet, when improperly motivated and guided, "uncareful love" can easily become foolish. There is a difference between loving "uncarefully" and flat-out "carelessly." </span></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><span class="line line-s">I know I'm being <em>careless</em> with my love when I completely disregard the still small voice that prompts me to hold back, to slow down...to walk in wisdom. When my heart gets wrapped up in a person or situation (romantic or otherwise), the communicator in me runs around passionately wild and (often) unrestrained. Likewise, the relator in me so longs to connect with others that I begin to confess without contemplation. Lacking the proper restraint and reflection, the actions that stem from pure and well-intentioned desires quickly turn sinful, selfish and frankly, stupid. In neglecting some pretty significant fruits of the Spirit (namely patience and self control), I so easily toss wisdom to the wind. Wisdom like Proverbs 10:19 that reminds me that "</span>Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut." Oh, snap. When I turned my back on wisdom, foolishness was all too happy to step in and take it's place. </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">When I throw away those key Holy Spirit fruits, it's not like I'm completely fruitless...I've just acquired different fruits in my life. Rotten ones, unfortunately. I've discovered that the fruit of foolishness is heartbreak. And the thing that sucks is that I can <em>clearly</em> see my own foolishness in the whole pseudo-boyfriend process...now that my heart is broken. </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">My hope is that my hindsight can at least save <em>someone else</em> from the heart-break of foolish decisions...</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Because I know I'm not the only one with an affinity (clearly subconsciously) for the psedo-boyfriend. Nearly all of my girlfriends have told me stories. Note "stories" with an "s." We usually haven't recognized this negative pattern until several such "friendlationships" have been unintentionally collected under our belts...or more accurately, ushered naively (albeit excitedly) into our hearts. </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">What does "pseudo-boyfriend" look like, you ask? Well, here is the amalgam I've created from my own fake BF's, along with characteristics recently (and repeatedly!) mentioned by friends. (Sad but true fact: Pretty much every single girl I know has or is currently getting over a pseudo-boyfriend at the moment. Goes to show that even us smart girls can make some dumb decisions...).</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><em>Profile of a Pseudo-Boyfriend/Friendlationship:</em></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">-Constant communication (texting, FB, Skype, etc), deep conversations and confessing/counseling each other through emotional/spiritual struggles. </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">-Looking to each other for emotional fulfilment and companionship (investing a lot of time into getting to know and developing significant friendship with the other person). Of course you have other friends, but there is no denying that you both gravitate towards each other's company/listening ear more often than with other people.<br />
<br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">-Romantic expression/tension--engaging in flirting, casual inuendo (don't act so holy, you Christians...) and talking about your mutual attraction to one another. This romantic element may or may not involve a physical relationship ("friends with benefits" definitely falls under the pseudo-boyfriend category in my opinion).</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Hmmm...sounds like a <em>real </em>relationship, doesn't it? <br />
<br />
So, now is the prime time to ask: If you have <em>this</em> kind of "friendship" with an attractive member of the opposite sex, why AREN'T you dating? </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">My recent revelation is that there is only one thing separates the fake version from the <em>actual</em> boyfriend. Forgive the anti-climactic answer, but that one (key!) thing is COMMITMENT. Rather, the pseudo-boyfriend exhibiting a complete lack there-of (forgive the stereotype, but 9 times out of 10, this falls on the guy. Read on...).</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Many a pseudo-boyfriend has made lame excuses for this lack of commitment, including the infamous lines of "I'm just not ready for a relationship" or "I just think of you like a sister."</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Ha! That's kind of hilarious, boys...Not ready for a relationship, but willing to be so vulnerable with your heart and allow a girl to freely share hers with you (via deep conversation)? Denying attraction, but willing to invest hours to keep her companionship--typically accompanying that friendship with blatant (intentional?) romantic/sexual undertones? (Who's the tease now?)</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
Um, yeah. About that...</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Lest I digress and turn this into a male-bashing fest (I'm not that girl...), allow me to turn the tables on the ladies and share a lil truth in love (to myself included). While the pseudo-boyfriend status is typically generated by the guy in the "friendlationship" (as the man, he is, after all, the one with "the say" as to whether or not he wants to truly pursue and commit), us girls are in the wrong when we stoop to going along with it. </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">We might not consider ourselves insecure or lacking self-respect, yet that's exactly what we are when we allow ourselves to settle for such relationships. Instead of picking up our Superfox-selves and moving on to someone worthy, we come up with a myriad of excuses for pseudo-boyfriend's lack of pursuit and commitment. </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Step back for a minute, however, and it suddenly all becomes clear: When we are willing to invest, but he isn't willing to commit, <em>we are being used</em> for the emotional and/or physical benefits we are so freely giving away to these men. <br />
<br />
And by staying in these friendlationships, we're giving the okay to be sucked dry emotionally or taken advantage of physically. (Although we <em>say</em> that <em>we're</em> the ones in control and that it's not hurting us emotionally to stay in the friendship, just try telling that to the <a href="http://apassportforanengagementring.blogspot.com/2012/04/pints-of-beer-and-ben-jerrys.html" target="_blank">alcohol and ice cream</a> in the aftermath of the "break up"...).</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">I always prided myself on not settling when it comes to men and relationships. But what the heck else is the pseudo-boyfriend if not settling for a romantic-looking/seeming relationship without making it necessary for him to commit to me? </div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Ladies, listen to me: <strong>WE ARE SETTLING</strong> <strong>when we give so much of our time, caring and the deepest parts of our heart to men who won't work to woo us</strong>. The sad reality is, in these situations of subtle settling, these men don't even <em>need </em>to exert any effort to win us. We have already exposed ourselves--speaking too quickly and allowing them access to our hearts without question. They really did have us at "Hello." At the first spark of interest, we held little to nothing back...</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">But here is an even greater truth: You and I don't have to live in guilt about our mistakes in this area. We don't have to keep on settling for pseudo-boyfriends and fake relationships. We need to be confident of what the Lord has destined and designed godly relationships to be. We need to know what we are worth...</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">As daughters of the Almighty King, we are worth being treated with love and respect. We deserve to have bold, godly men who have the emotional strength and Spirit-led confidence to pursue us. We deserve men who are willing to commit to exclusive relationships, forsaking all other possibilities and choosing to trust God's ability to transform them into strong leaders, even when they don't feel "ready." We deserve men who consistently express care for us, showing us that they genuinely <em>can</em> love us like Christ--with actions faithfully marked by servanthood and sacrifice.</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">And I know, without a doubt, that these men exist. The Lord has been so faithful to show me them EVERYWHERE (yes, even in Sacramento!). Yet, my problem comes when I rush ahead--<em>when I don't wait</em> to be pursued, but instead, seek to turn a friendship into something more by my own effort. <br />
<br />
I've come to realize that I am settling even if the man I'm interested in is amazing, but <em>I'm</em> the one in control. Because is that really what I want? To have to convince the man of my dreams--my "list" in flesh and blood form--why he should be with me? Of course not! There is no greater form of "settling," in my opinion, than feeling like <em>I </em>was the one who made the relationship happen....</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a romantic. I want the man to <em>know</em> it's me. I want him to pursue me and commit to me, not because I pressured him into it, but <em>because he knows in his heart that I am the only one he wants.</em></div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">So, farewell, pseudo-boyfriends. The "man drama" that has jokingly (albeit truthfully) marked my life over the last year is a thing of the past: I know what I am worth. I know what I want.</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">And what I <em>truly</em> want is what <em>God</em> wants for me: The best. All in <em>His</em> timing and by <em>His</em> leading.</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">I won't settle for anything less...</div><div align="left" style="background-color: white; border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;"></div></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-79741837727148011182012-04-11T22:58:00.000-07:002012-04-11T22:58:57.366-07:002012-04-11T22:58:57.366-07:00Pints of Beer and Ben & Jerry's<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: center;"><em>"Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is only temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing. Our goal is to help you turn your breakup into the event that changes your life for the better. After all, you are a Superfox..."</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">-Intro to "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken"</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">This past summer, when <em>The Virgin Verdict</em> was yet in mere infancy, a friend handed me this book (subtitled "The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy"), suggesting I read it and come up with some humorous little review/tongue-in-cheek commentary/incredibly profound post regarding a worldly perspective vs. a Biblical perspective of breaking up.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Well, the book I read (after all, I was on the job hunt back then. Free time was a beautifully abundant thing...). And I must say, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" was hilarious, sad and revelatory, all at the same time. Despite it's fascinating content, however, I quickly dismissed the thought of writing a post about it. After all, I wasn't even in a relationship at the time, let alone experiencing the immediate intensity of post-breakup pain. Would I truly be able to do such a post justice, two years removed from such an incident? </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Little did I know, six months after reading that book, I would be in desperate need of some emotional Superglue for my freshly broken heart. Upon re-examining both "Break-Up Buddy"'s sassy advice and the Bible's sound wisdom, here goes my suddenly relevant take on brokenness and loss...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">If you ever pick up a copy of "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken" at your local bookstore (or, more realistically, seek out your virtual copy while perusing Amazon.com), you can't help but smile at the cartoon photo on the cover. Here...I'll help you with the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968#_" target="_blank">visual</a>...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">What better image to symbolize a break-up than a pint of Ben & Jerry's? Hahaha! It makes me think of the brilliant (albeit brief) scene in <em>Bride Wars </em>where Anne Hathaway calls several of her closest friends the minute she gets engaged. The camera quickly shifts to one of the girls on the other end of the line--happily congratulating her friend in an excited tone, whilst simultaneously reaching into the freezer to grab some remedial Mint Chocolate Chip. I laugh and cringe at the same time, knowing this is exactly what we so often do. To assuage the pain of rejection, crushed dreams or our own seeming "failure" in light of the relational success of others (i.e. "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride..." struggles), we indulge ourselves in any and every kind of comfort we can get our hands-on. Take the pint, for instance, whether it's beer or Ben & Jerry's, food and alcohol seem to be the most common rescuers to run to post-break up. They make us happy. They make us forget. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">At least for temporarily...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">But even if we're not binging or getting buzzed, I can guarantee that we're finding comfort in other (equally unhealthy) ways. Maybe we're devoting hours and hours to working out, in attempts to perfect the imperfect bodies we assume might be the cause of the rejection. Maybe we're sleep the days away, seeking solace in self-pity and escape. And maybe still, we're clinging to the ever tried and true break-up advice: "The best way to get over someone is to..." (If you don't know the ending of that clever little cliche, I'll let your clever little self figure it out on your own. Just think about the opposite of getting over someone. Literally...).</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">As I survey that little list, I am ashamed to admit that images bombard my mind of me doing every single one of those things lately...although certainly not to the extreme. I am, after all, a Christian ;) </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Seriously, though, in the past two months, I have become all too aware of my very <em>un-Christian </em>methods of coping in my brokeness...all of which can be excused as "just normal" and "not that bad" compared to what the rest of non-believing society does when they call it quits. Sure, I'm not getting drunk, but I know that that glass of wine becomes more signficantly soothing when my heart hurts. And clearly (seeing as I haven't changed the title of my blog), I haven't<em> actually</em> indulged in that last cheeky coping mechanism. Even still, I can't deny my shameless flirting and search for "replacement options" a mere 30-minutes post "the talk" (yes, it happened <em>that</em> quickly...). </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">These are the world's ways--just tempered by a bit of self-control and restrained by conviction.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">The Bible calls these things idols--the "other lovers" we run to in exchange for the One that can truly comfort our hearts. And never, I'm convinced, do we come more face to face with our idols, than in our brokenness. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Just when I thought I was consistently committed to walking with God and finding my comfort in Him alone, upon losing someone I love--being rejected by a person I deeply care about--I suddenly realized just what I was <em>really </em>allowing to uphold me. Yes, some of it was the Lord. I was still seeking Him reguarly and consistently ministering to others. Yet, I also realize that so much of my foundation at that time was built on the presence of this other person. Even a few weeks removed from the "break up" (the reason for the quotes is a whole other post in and of itself), I could see just how much my comfort, emotional well-being and confidence were wrapped up in a mere man. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">On the heels of the revelation that this man was really an idol in my life, came the revelation of my frantic search to run to anything and everything to find comfort for the dissolving of my primary source of comfort. Let me just say that those two revelations are not pretty: Realizing that, even as a believer, your hope has not (at least in a practical sense) been fully in God...and to make matters worse, once you recognize your (false sense of) hope is lost, you run to anything BUT God to ease the pain.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Bleh...I really DO need a Saviour...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Despite what "Break Up Buddy" assures me (that I am a Superfox and the guy who rejected me is an idiot), I know that I need truth more substantial than cute cliches to boost my confidence. I need comfort deeper and more lasting than booze, brownies or body sculpting can provide. And I know that time won't actually <em>heal</em> my wounds--just lessen the sting until the fateful day when I unexpectedly run into my old comfort in the embrace of someone new--and the pain suddenly resurfaces. The world's hope ceners itself on these things--self-esteem, comfort, distraction and the passing of time to distance us from our hurt. Funny how all those "hopes" are fluxuating and finite. Each can, and inevitably will, dissapoint as it slowly loses it's power to make things better.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">But I know that I know that true Hope does not dissapoint. I am convinced that inner healing from the Holy Spirit is not only real, but that it can transform us completely. As we are submitted to Him and His ways, the Lord is subtlely but most certainly at work in themidst of our painful experiences, using them to mold us into truer reflections of His Son. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">It may be "called a break up because it is broken," but I know brokenness doesn't have to be in vain...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>-Psalm 34:18</em></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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</div></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-52069566682627721262012-03-08T19:46:00.000-08:002012-03-08T19:46:11.241-08:002012-03-08T19:46:11.241-08:00Sex Without Guilt (Guest post)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Ahem...so, life has been just a <em>bit </em>ridiculous lately...hence the lack of posts :) YET...endless thoughts, ideas and yes, BLOGS are swirling around in my head, awaiting expression at the proper time. But until I get a spare moment to sit down and write, I want to feed my faithful readers with some words from a good friend. Sarah is a beautiful girl with an absolutely incredible testimony of God's faithfulness and redemption. Over the past few weeks as Sarah and I have been chatting over coffee, we have found incredible encouragement and revelation through each other's stories. We're both facing a shockingly similar situation at the moment and I know that the Lord put us in each other's lives to minister His truth and perspective to one another in this challenging season. <br />
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Tonight, I was reading her blog (Spilled Perfume--you can check it out <a href="http://ragamuffinalexis.wordpress.com/about-this-blog/">here</a>) and it made me smile because we're both so similar. Here's to single ladies sharing honest confessions about striving after self-control in the arena of sexuality! As Australians would say, "G'd on ya, girl!" :)<br />
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Here goes Sarah...<br />
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<em>I’ve spent a lot of time these days thinking of getting married, wondering who that guy is and when I will meet him, or if I’ve already met him but have been too scared to talk to him. I wrote a letter to him tonight in my notebook called Faceless. It’s a notebook full of letters to him. It will be a wedding gift. He can’t read it until we’re married.</em><br />
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<div class="entry-content"><em>Tonight I wrote my fifth letter to him, and very nearly cried as the truth came out on those pages – the truth that I’m tired of waiting for him to get here.</em><br />
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<em>I know most people don’t freely talk about this, but I’m not most people. I’m tired of being abstinent! I want a man I can actually marry, that I can actually have sex with and not have to feel ashamed about it. I’ve never had sex without feeling shame, because I’ve never had sex inside of a committed relationship. I want to marry someone trustworthy, and have full permission to sleep with him as often as I want.</em><br />
<blockquote><em>The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. (I Corinthians 7:4)</em></blockquote><em>A speaker I heard at a concert a few weeks ago said, “Do you know why God gives you a sex drive years before you get married? Because when you get married, you will be offering your spouse something you had to FIGHT to keep.” I love that!</em><br />
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<em>Well, I am definitely fighting to keep my sexual purity. It’s a battle, even a daily battle. It would be so easy to flirt with those coworkers who always want in my pants. It would be so easy to get frustrated at being single, and just go out to a bar and go home with someone. It would be so easy. But it wouldn’t be satisfying. It would result in shame and regret.</em><br />
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<em>The last time I had a one night stand, I picked myself up surprisingly quickly, but that’s only because I’ve grown so much in the last few years. I don’t live by shame anymore; I live by faith in Christ. I only succeed in life because of the tremendous grace God lavishes on me day in and day out. No joke.</em><br />
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<em>But I really long for that day when I can have sex with a clear conscience for the first time in my life. I really crave that day, and I crave that experience. And I get impatient, wondering how long it’s gonna take...</em><br />
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Sigh. Me too, Sarah. All I can say is something a friend wrote to me earlier this week:<br />
<br />
"Waiting reveals the weakness in our own plans..." <br />
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Clearly God is up to things we can't see or understand. The longer we wait, the more we see that our own plans don't always align with His. Rather, we realize they are packed full of little holes, slowly seeping out sin and selfishness. But keeping us "in the wait" is God' incredible way of protecting us and saving us for His absolute best. <br />
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It's not foolish to hope. Because <em>true</em> hope, based on God's sovereign and perfect plan, will never disapoint...<br />
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</div></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-25509406648439081172012-01-22T16:32:00.000-08:002012-01-22T16:35:52.389-08:002012-01-22T16:35:52.389-08:00Under Lock and Key<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I had a chastity belt...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Confession: I didn't <em>actually </em>know whether or not chastity belts really existed until yesterday. Over the years, I had seen movies or heard jokes making reference to the "virginity protection device" that I always secretly assumed was a myth of medieval culture. Sure, Maid Marion had one, but I'm not sure the Hollywood version of <em>Robin Hood </em>is the most reliable source of historical accuracy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">So, while sipping my Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks yesterday, I decided to do some research...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">And I'm here to tell you that YES, the chastity belt DOES actually exist! If you're struggling with a visual at the moment, just picture "panties of steel," secured with a lock and key. Indeed, THE most literal protection a young damsel can get to help ensure her purity. The key to unlock the chastity belt, medieval tradition has it, can only be obtained by a maiden's true love...and even then, only on her wedding night. Wow! What an invention...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Tossing any sort of kinky bondage fantasy aside, think about the <em>practicality </em>of such a thing! The polar opposite of the "Easy-access" crotch-less panty, the "Try-as-you-might-but-you're-not-getting-up-in-here" chastity belt offers fool-proof protection. Not only does it prevent lustful men from entering the sacred territory, but it also has the added benefit of keeping a young maiden's <em>own </em>hands from prematurely exploring the forbidden fruit. Just think of the marketing scheme: <em>Feeling tempted? Fearing assailants? Lock that junk up! HE doesn't get the key until YOU get a ring! The chastity belt: It's easy...so you don't have to be.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Oh, chastity belt! If only you wouldn't look so awkward under my skinny jeans...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Maybe I can just get one for my heart instead. Encased in steel and securely locked up tight, such a device would surely prevent men from stealing it for their own emotional benefit. Like a real chastity belt, I surmise this heart protector could also guard me from <em>myself</em>...keeping me from exposing it or giving it away carelessly. If my heart were kept under lock and key, I could guarantee it to be safely delivered to my husband on our wedding night. "Here," I would say, proudly handing him the key, "My heart has been saved for you alone. Only YOU can unlock it's depth, it's secrets and it's beauty. It is completely pure, soft and unscarred." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Sigh...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Though the chastity belt may be real, there is no such shield for my heart. For a moment, the thought crushes me--There will never be an <em>simple </em>way to navigate the fragility of this most precious part of me. Scripture compels me to "guard it"...to "watch over it with all diligence." Far from a straight-forward task, the command seems a paradox. For in order to live as I am called to (by that very same Book), I need to use it everyday. In order to love, I need to keep it open and vulnerable--thus exposing it to hardening, scarring, even the possibility of shattering. I must protect it, but I <em>cannot </em>keep it under lock and key. God's method is far more complex than this...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Because whether it's worn on my heart or my hips, a chastity belt is just an quick-fix means of compliance--a forced obedience. It requires no self control. No actual <em>overcoming</em> of temptation (by either the one wearing it or the one seeking to be let in). Lacking true soul transformation or mind-renewal, its protection is false, shallow, and ultimately, in vain...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">I guess this is why as I have been studying the Scriptural (yet often clouded in Christian-ese) concept of "guarding your heart," there are no easy answers. Like any aspect of spiritual growth and discipleship, mere rule-keeping and "seven-step lists" can never get us any closer to where we want to be. Because if protecting this vital organ meant installing a simple lock-and-key, we would never need to learn maturity. And the Lord <em>so</em> values our maturity, because it is the indication that <em>real change</em> has taken place... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><em>"No prolonged infancies among us, please,"</em> Paul admonishes believers in the fourth chapter of Ephesians, <em>"We'll not tolerate babes in the woods, small children who are an easy mark for impostors. God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. "</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Maturity, however, comes when we are given the freedom to choose...and actually <em>taught </em>how to choose wisely. When we are simply restrained, we are robbed of the opportunity to learn just <em>how </em>to exercise self-control. Like the time my Dad decided to put a timer on our TV so that my sister and I couldn't watch it until 5:30 (theoretically allowing us enough time to get our homework done before dinner). The timer, however, was a short-lived experiment, as it didn't teach us any discipline...other than to learn how to pick the lock on my parents door in order to shut the timer off ;) (Hahahaha...and we were the "good kids!"). As highly as you might like to regard human nature, there is no denying that so-called "guards" do little in the way of preventing evil. In fact, since our sinful selves gravitate towards the very things that threaten to destroy us, we shouldn't be surprised when we find ourselves intentionally <em>breaking </em>the guards that were designed to protect us. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">The only way we come to truly value boundaries (God-implemented guards and protectors, like the commands of Scripture) is when we train ourselves to discern good from evil--and to pro-actively <em>choose</em> the good. That training is otherwise known as discipleship--seeking daily to know and <em>become </em>more and more like Christ. And incidentally, allowing Him to fill our hearts appears to be the Bible's #1 prescription for guarding them. How curious, because in all my years of church-going, that was <em>never</em> what I was taught...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">From women's Bible studies to Christian singles handbooks, I had always been told that guarding my heart meant keeping it closed up, hidden, and essentially...unused. Whether I was innocently crushing or seriously contemplating a relationship, every Christian female in my life warned me to keep my guard up: To refuse to be affected deeply by another man..and to keep myself from affecting <em>him </em>in a lasting way. Whether intended or not, what that teaching <em>really</em> taught me was that the only way to ensure my heart's purity and wholeness was to refuse to take a risk... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">Ideas have consequences, friends. That philosophy guided my actions for years...yet I'm torn as to whether or not its outcome was entirely good. I know all the lyrics to "Independent Women" and how to go for years without shedding a tear. But s</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">urely "guarding your heart" means more than this...</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">(To Be Continued)</span></em><br />
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</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-85864714409684105582012-01-16T19:50:00.000-08:002012-01-17T08:45:05.597-08:002012-01-17T08:45:05.597-08:00"Careful Love?" No Such Thing...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Note: God has been stirring some intense ideas in mind/heart lately and I'm in the midst of developing a new post about the balance of guarding your heart vs. keeping your heart open to love. As I've been writing that post, I was reminded of a blog I wrote nearly six years ago on this same topic. Re-reading it this morning, I got fresh revelation/confirmation of some of the ideas coming in the next post. Thought I'd share...give you a preview of what's to come :)</em></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div align="center"><strong>"And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing"</strong></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div align="center"><strong>- 1 Corinthians 13:2</strong></div><div align="center"><br />
</div>My friend Jamie once told me a story about being in love--specifically the intense pain that one feels when love is not reciprocated. In my naive, college-freshman mind, I questioned the authenticity of the love about which she spoke. I told her that I believed love was not <em>truly </em>love unless it was mutual. One-sided love, I claimed, was merely admiration. <br />
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Needless to say, I had a huge misunderstanding about love and how this powerful force comes to flourish in one's heart. Having known pain, hurt and disappointment from a young age, I grew into a young woman who chose (more often than not) to keep people at a distance. In the few instances where I <em>did </em>make myself vulnerable towards someone else (amidst silly high school romances and college "friendlationships"), I always came away feeling ashamed of my attempts to express the deepest longings of my heart. Thus, as I sought to diligently "guard my heart" (as every good, young Christian girl is taught to do), I couldn't conceive of a more practical method than closing it off and shunning the risk that getting to know someone intimately always necessitates. Better to stay safe and "protected," than to end up hurt and rejected...<br />
<br />
Here was the false dichotomy I created in my mind: Either I could give my heart away and choose to love when things were "just right"...or..I could take a risk and choose to love when there was no guarantee of reciprocation. Is there even a choice here? After all, the former seemed to provide a foolproof solution to heartbreak and the latter held the glaringly obvious possibility of no reward. Yet, what I didn't realize is that the possibility of no reward...in other words, <em>risking</em>...was the <em>only</em> choice I had. Because even when love <em>is</em> reciprocated and the situation appears idyllic, no human love is perfect. Because <em>we </em>are not perfect. Here on earth, love <em>always</em> involves risk. There is no such thing as "careful" love...<br />
<br />
There's a brilliant line tucked slyly within the otherwise cliche script of a sappy chick flick that expresses exactly the way I felt in my younger years regarding openness to love (and my lack thereof). Today, it challenges me more than ever...<br />
<br />
<em>"There's a part of me that wants to let him in but then I feel myself put this wall up and I don't understand why. Maybe that's what strikes me most about [him]. That despite everything he's suffered he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. It makes me sad that people like [him] who have lost everything can still be open to love while I, who have lost nothing, am not."</em> <br />
<br />
That truly <em>is</em> a wonderful thing--to have loved and lost, but to keep your heart open to loving again.<br />
<br />
God is so beautifully ironic. Perhaps it is His way of redeeming my closed and scared self of my past that the Lord has placed this peculiar call on my life having to do specifically with love and honesty. He has challenged me to live a life of vulnerability--to open up my heart, to <em>allow</em> myself to feel the full weight of every emotion I experience and to risk possible (surely inevitable) pain for sharing myself and loving another person in such an intense way. <br />
<br />
As I humbly seek to live out this challenge, I have found myself truly loving more people than I ever have before in my life. In many ways, it is an incredible experience; living with a constant desire to serve, encourage and fight for people because of the love I have for them. Yet even now, as I sit and reflect about the people that I have come to love so deeply within this past month, I am struck with the pain of knowing that everything I feel is not necessarily mutual. And that makes my heart hurt-- a very literal <em>aching</em> in my chest--to know that my love is not returned with the same intensity.<br />
<br />
In moments like these, it is very easy for me to question myself and have doubts about the nature of my feelings: <em>"What's wrong with me? Why do I love so intensely? If I love people who don't love me back, did I choose the 'wrong' people to love?" </em><br />
<br />
Where did these questions come from? I <em>know</em> that I am not the only one who has been challenged in this way. When relationships end, so many of us question the authenticity of the love we experienced. Staring at the shattered pieces that surround us after rejection, we suddenly feel guilty and about the nature and depth of our love. <em>How could I have been so foolish to give my heart away?</em> <em>I should have guarded it better...</em><br />
<br />
Blame it on the theories we unconsciously develop from movies and love songs. Blame it on the fact that we try to put this massive, mind-bending concept of love into a box--putting time limits and restraints on it ("You can't truly love someone unless you've known them for this many months" or "You can't be 'in love' with someone who you aren't in a relationship with"). Blame it on the fact that we constantly judge <em>other's</em> emotions--thinking that we know better than they do if what they are experiencing is genuine. Blame it on what you will, but I find it tragic that for so long I believed the lie that the only form of true love is a mutual love. I am ashamed that I told Jamie that a one-sided love was not genuine. Because perhaps <em>being able to love someone without the promise of their love in return is the greatest example of love that there is...</em><br />
<br />
This thought frees me and comforts me deeply: To know that love does not have to be reciprocated in order to be real. And who personified this type of loving better than Jesus--a man who risked loving so passionately and freely--all the while knowing that those whom He cared for so deeply and poured His life into would abandon Him in the midst of His suffering. Jesus could have distanced himself or chose to give away love selectively--only to those who were guaranteed to return it and make the investment "worthwhile." But He didn't. Instead, He became our most incredible example of "un-careful love"...<br />
<br />
The greatest commandments that guide and sustain our lives can be summed up in two words: To LOVE. And to honor that command, we must push past the fear that to do so will break us. To love is to risk being hurt...but we must <em>choose</em> to love anyway. <br />
<br />
Because freely and un-carefully<em> </em>loving is the only way to truly <em>live</em>...<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-15532794876379998262011-12-21T15:48:00.000-08:002012-01-07T23:41:23.935-08:002012-01-07T23:41:23.935-08:00Adventures in Accountability (AKA: Why Silly Schemes Never Work)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Money: Good for spending, good for saving, good for deterring sin...<br />
<br />
Or so I thought...<br />
<br />
As a broke, hormonal college student, I came up with a seemingly brilliant plan to kick my lustful habits after taking in a particularly fascinating lecture on the Psychology of Learning. We had been studying various theories of behavior modification, including the infamous concepts of punishment and reward, and it got the wheels in my mind a turnin' as to how I could implement greater self-control in my sex life (ahem, "sex life"...I don't feel as though I need to elaborate on that for you singles...).<br />
<br />
Sheer willpower alone simply wasn't cutting it: When the frustration was high, I threw consequence to the wind and allowed lust to take over. "I <i>could</i> be strong if I wanted to...," I reasoned. Yet, I often wasn't...simply because I didn't want to be. In those moments, I wanted fun and feeling more than I wanted a particular fruit of the Spirit. So, without plain ole self-control, I decided to become my own psychological case study and test out some behavior mod plans. The first and most infamous involved a valuable and rare commodity on campus...cash.<br />
<br />
Money, as we know, is a powerful motivator (ever get paid for doing your chores or getting good grades as a kid? Well, neither did I, but you see my point in principle...). By default, then, I assumed that <i>lack</i> of money would create an equally substantial push towards transformation. Especially for a college student (The saying is true: "There's broke...then there's<i> college</i> broke..."). In my ORU days, I could not conceive of anything more tragic than losing a precious $20 bill. And BOOM, in that instant, that dramatic possibility fused together with the concept of "negative punishment" just extrapolated upon by Dr. Feller. <br />
<br />
"THAT is how I'm gonna kick this lust problem!" I shouted in victory (okay, maybe not shouted...) and ran to tell my brilliant little plan to my best friend down the hall. <br />
<br />
"Okay, you<i> have</i> to be my accountability partner," I told her (busting out the requisite Christianese that my pricey Christian education taught me). <br />
<br />
"Um...okay. For what?"<br />
<br />
"You <i>know</i> what..." I glared at her, "but I have this AMAZING plan that's gonna help so much!" <br />
<br />
I then proceeded to tell her the details of what has now become infamously known as the "Burn a $20 experiment." Yes, you read that right. Just like the name implied, every time I found myself indulging in a particular lustful habit, I would force myself to confess it to my friend, grab a lighter and painfully watch a $20 bill from my own wallet slowly disintegrate in flames. The very thought was disheartening. Surely, I would never give into lust again!<br />
<br />
"Whoa, that's intense!" my friend said, "Are you <i>sure</i>?"<br />
<br />
No price was too high to maintain my purity, I declared. Yes, THIS would be the elusive sin cure I had been looking for! (I had high hopes to market this wonderful little scheme to the rest of the college population soon...).<br />
<br />
For weeks, I victoriously prevailed. Until one day...I didn't. <br />
<br />
Uh oh. Here goes "the plan"...<br />
<br />
Trouble was, I was broke. I didn't even have $20 in my bank account...much less my wallet! Hmmm...<i>this </i>unfortunate scenario had not been factored into my clever scheme...<br />
<br />
I DID, however, confess my folly to my good ole AP. She told me not to feel bad...she had screwed up too and was in the same boat (lust runs rampant on the Christian college campus...). <br />
<br />
"Just call this grace this time..." she told me.<br />
<br />
Long story short, grace became the name of the game. It was so "convenient" that every time I fell into sin, I didn't have enough money to punish myself for my mistake (or I did, but I had a bill to pay or some other excuse why I couldn't part with my precious dinero). Eventually, the sin debt I racked up was far too high for me to pay back (much less keep track of). Thus, I dubbed the whole ritual ridiculous and abolished it. <i>Never once</i> did I bust out a lighter or a match. In theory, my plan was fool-proof. In practice, I just realized how much "brilliant plans" tend to suck. Especially when all they teach you to do is become a little Pharisee...<br />
<br />
Years later, I look back at that stage and I laugh at myself. I really<i> did</i> think that behavior modification techniques would keep me out of trouble. Trouble is, they only dealt with my actions...not with my heart. <br />
<br />
Jesus said the heart is what counts. He condemned the Pharisees for being "white-washed tombs," striving to look all holy on the outside (doing all the "right" things), while inside they were rotting away with the sin of pride. In the case of King David, the Bible tells us very clearly that "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). <br />
<br />
Creating our own little rules for minimizing sin gets us nowhere. It might work for a season (or in the case of "Burn a $20," not at all), but in the end, it will never get us what we want. Behavior modification will never lead to heart transformation...which is ultimately what we are so deeply craving... <br />
<br />
Don't fool yourself: A lust problem (as with any sin problem) is <i>always</i> a heart problem. As much as we try to sugarcoat it, chalk it up to "just feeling horny" or rationalize that it affects no one else but us (ahem, lie), it is <i>very much</i> connected to the deepest emotional/spiritual needs within us. <br />
<br />
I dare you to be honest with God the next time you want to give into lust. Tell Him what you're feeling...honestly ("I really wanna ______ right now!"). He knows your sex drive...He created it! Trust me, He can handle anything you have to confess to Him. So, in that moment of decision (where you <i>always</i> have a window to escape from the intensity of the temptation...1 Corinthians 10:13), I dare you to ASK God: "<i>Why do I want this so much</i>?" I can guarantee that if your heart is not calloused and you still actually DO desire purity, the answer will relate to your heart, not your hormones...<br />
<br />
We give into lust for a lot of reasons...we're bored, depressed, stressed...but primarily, we go there for one very significant (and deeply painful) reason...we're<em> lonely</em>. We long for a love that is deep, transcendent and <i>real</i>. When we are honest, we want more than just an orgasm. We want to be close to someone. We want to be embraced. We want to share that moment with someone who knows us deeply...someone who we trust.<br />
<br />
Blame it on the romantic in me, but THESE are the desires reflected back at me every time I ask God to reveal my heart in moments of lust. Lust is so painfully counterfeit...and always leaves us empty. That's because deep down, our hearts know we were made for more...<br />
<br />
For years, I thought I had "overcome" sexual sin through behavior modification. Living by a series of pop-psychological (Pharisaical?) techniques, I learned to carefully control my actions whist carefully <i>neglecting </i>my heart (it hurt too much to deal with...). I even taught those willpower methods to my discipleship students (lol...and "Burn a $20" didn't make the list, fyi). And although I <i>do</i> think those techniques were wise discipleship methods, without deep soul surgery, they only bandage a wound. I know that because for all those years I abstained, old habits returned shockingly quickly and became just as ritual as they once were when I abandoned my self-control. Simply because I failed to keep my heart pure.<br />
<br />
My life as a white-washed tomb...<br />
<br />
Yet, my friend was right...we <i>can</i> always call it grace. Or call<i> on </i>grace, to be precise. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because they thought they could count on their clever rules to fix their lives. They thought they could forget the internal stuff. They thought they didn't really need God...or His amazing gift of grace. <br />
<br />
But nothing else...and no one else...can heal a heart. And if you struggle with lust, odds are, you need less "rule making" and behavior modification...and much, much more of the Heavenly Father's life-transforming love invading your heart. <br />
<br />
Got idle hands? Take hold of THAT...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><i></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."</div><div style="text-align: center;">Ephesians 3:17-19<br />
<br />
</div><span style="font-family: Segoe Print; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Segoe Print; font-size: small;"><span lang=""></span></span></span></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-12907162914998753802011-11-21T14:22:00.000-08:002011-11-21T19:18:49.176-08:002011-11-21T19:18:49.176-08:00The Birds and the Bees (Part Two)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><em>[If you haven't read Part One of this post, I can guarantee you will be more than a little lost if you attempt to start with this one! So, take a few minutes and read the </em><a href="http://apassportforanengagementring.blogspot.com/2011/11/birds-and-bees-revised-female-version.html"><em>last post</em></a><em>. It will make much more sense that way...trust me! </em><br />
<br />
<em>Oh yeah...and that last post was the cheeky one. This one is the sappy one :) ]</em><br />
<br />
<br />
2. Sin not only twists our fears and vulnerabilities into a desire to control, but also seeks to pervert our pure, God-given desire as women to be beautiful. <br />
<br />
Song of Solomon 4:6-7 reveals some powerful truths about the nature of both men and women...<br />
<br />
"The sweet, fragrant curves of your body, <br />
the soft, spiced contours of your flesh<br />
Invite me, and I come. I stay <br />
until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.<br />
You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, <br />
beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless."<br />
<br />
Here, a husband is speaking to his wife. He expresses just how much he loves seeing and experiencing his lover's body. Beauty is essential to him--a comfort and an unspeakable blessing. And how incredible of God to design women in such a way that they genuinely and purely enjoy BEING beautiful. The hopeless romantic in me lets out a sigh just reading that verse. I want my husband to read that verse to me someday...because I long for that verse to be <em>about </em>me<em>...</em><br />
<br />
Yet, it <em>aches</em> to be that vulnerable. It seems childish to just want to be thought of as beautiful (singing like a Disney princess awaiting her prince). Because such heart vulnerability can be so easily crushed, young women turn to society for answers as to how they can (or how they <em>should </em>according to the world) express this desire. Replace "beautiful" with "hot," and "true love" with "attention" or "hooking up." It's as simple as that...<br />
<br />
The tragic fact is, because of the overwhelming prevalence of porn in our society, women today feel as though their pure beauty simply isn't enough. Having literally seen it all (from the likes of surgically-enhanced/airbrushed/eating disordered models/actresses/porn stars), it seems it takes more and more to make a man aroused. Back in the day, a woman revealing her neck or bare ankles were thought to be "too much" outside of closed doors. But now, with skin everywhere, how can we compete? <br />
<br />
I once heard a preacher offer an extremely wise statement about the nature of male and female lust. Although some might dismiss it as a male/female stereotype or see it as perhaps "too extreme" to be true, the more I think about it, the more I realize just how much insight lies behind it. The preacher said: "The big temptation for men is to want to look at porn. The big temptation for women is to want to BE porn."<br />
<br />
Wow! While even the speaker himself admitted this was a generalization (women can/do struggle with looking at porn as well), as a woman, I have to be honest with myself to admit that I DO struggle with that temptation (to <em>be</em>, not just view). That temptation to be is there <em>even for women who have never looked at porn, because we know that GUYS have</em>. All of us have seen glimpses of this type of seduction, from semi-covered magazines on newsstands to risque scenes in R-rated movies--enough to give us a little clue as to what we're "competing" with. When we know that men are drawn to women who look/act a certain way, we suddenly want to be THAT. Thus, we expose the sexual parts of our bodies to random strangers (any tight jeans or short skirts in your closet?) because we want to be <em>noticed</em>. We push sexual boundaries with men who are not our husbands, not just because of our <em>own</em> hormones, but because we long to be <em>desired</em>. The temptation to "be porn" is simply the twisted, sinful manifestation of a deep desire to be beautiful. <br />
<br />
And of course, our Creator (never doing anything "by accident") designed that desire to serve a very important purpose. <em>Women get aroused knowing that men are aroused by them in order that they would feel free to show and give their bodies to one man (their husband!), that he (and he alone) would be aroused by and enjoy them fully</em>. To paraphrase from Mark Driscoll's sermon series on the Song of Solomon, the ideal sex life in a marriage is that the wife would be <em>visually</em> generous to show her husband her beauty and body (often), and in turn, the husband would be <em>verbally</em> generous towards his wife to tell her how beautiful she is and how aroused he is by <em>her</em> (often). Marriage, by God's design, is THE place for sexual desires, visual cravings and verbal longings to be satisfied. This union is meant to guard both spouses and keep them away from sexual sin, because all three of those deep desires were designed to be fulfilled in a pure and pleasing way by the other spouse.<br />
<br />
Yet, we live in a broken world. Our sin keeps us far from this ideal. Marrieds screw it up by withholding from each other, engaging in fantasy about someone else, or even having an affair. And singles screw it up by impatiently looking at porn, fantasizing, masturbating, pushing sexual boundaries with significant others, or just plain having sex. (Even those who ARE waiting, it seems, don't <em>actually </em>want to <em>wait...</em>in the truest sense of the word). <br />
<br />
And if we are are bold enough to be honest with ourselves, none of the above is actually <em>worth</em> it. Sure, there is pleasure for a time (why else would we do it?), yet all of those things...lust, attention-getting, affairs...are so unbelievably <em>empty</em>. Whether it is in the immediate wake of our sin, or in the delayed contemplation of our actions, we can't deny the raw truth that digs deep in our spirit-- these things are only a shadow of the real thing. There IS more! We are <em>meant</em> for more...<br />
<br />
They say that Satan's biggest strategy when it comes to lust is to get single people to have sex before they are married...and those same people to stop having sex once they get married. How messed up is that??? This is society's stereotype (singles are getting it on all over the place, and marrieds sure as heck aren't making the best use of their king size beds)--one we know, unfortunately, is often true. Satan seeks to attack our sexuality because he knows just how powerful it is when sex is actually engaged in as it was designed to be--within the marriage bed, between one woman and one man...as often as possible! ;)<br />
<br />
Sex is meant to show us God's incredible goodness and love towards us. He <em>wants</em> us to experience wonderful pleasure and intimacy with our spouse! I've said it before, but it bears repeating: In marriage, sex actually brings GLORY to God! How amazing! Now do you see the POWER in sex as it's meant to be? <br />
<br />
So, class, your homework for the day is this: Take a long, hard look at your habits (whether you're married or single) and ask yourself whether or not your selfishness is really <em>worth</em> the price you're paying for it<em>.</em><br />
<br />
The truth is, you <em>can</em> choose to leave behind the excuses, sin and counterfeit intimacy. You<em> can</em> choose to embrace the best that God has for you. Because that ideal for amazing/pure sex isn't <em>just</em> a fairy tale--it's <em>God's desire for us</em> to experience on this earth. <br />
<br />
<em>If </em>we choose it, that is...<br />
<br />
Will you?<br />
<br />
</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-50376775898740743642011-11-17T15:26:00.000-08:002011-11-21T19:30:42.612-08:002011-11-21T19:30:42.612-08:00The Birds and the Bees (The Revised Female Version)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Women want sex.<br />
<br />
People laugh at such a statement for one of two reasons, either because they know it's true ("Duh...") or because they actually do find it laughable ("<em>Really</em>?"). In a multi-generational setting of women, the ones who find this statement all too obvious tend to fall in the younger half of the room. Unfortunately, the ones doling out the sex advice (the birds and the bees spiel) tend to come from the other half. Hmmmm. How problematic for a generation that was taught to be sexually reserved (having been fed the "Just lie on your back and wait 'til it's over" advice) to be educating a new generation raised in a porn-saturated, highly-sexualized society. That old sex ed just doesn't cut it anymore. <br />
<br />
And besides, most of it was lies anyway...<br />
<br />
Based on the stories of many friends (not to mention the stereotypicial societal tradition), I think it's safe to say that the majority of "talks" given to young girls have traditionally (and mistakenly) begun with a discussion of male hormones. Phrases like "Guys just have a one-track mind" and "Don't let him pressure you!" imply that the guy is the<em> only</em> one with the desire. A girl's desire is rarely (if ever) mentioned, as it seems to pale in light of THE most "vital" piece of sex education for females (i.e. How to resist <em>his </em>advances and keep yourself from getting knocked up).<br />
<br />
But if I, as a rather candid (yet conservative) Christian woman, had the chance to educate young girls en masse about the topic of sex and sexuality, I can guarantee you that my "talk" would begin with a completely <em>opposite</em> premise: "Girls want sex just as much as boys. Sometimes more..."<br />
<br />
This is not merely personal experience, mind you (although it <em>was</em> my idea to write this post, so you can deduce my opinion...). I cannot even <em>tell </em>you how many stories I've heard from teenage and twentysomething Christian females embarassingly confessing that <em>they</em>, in fact, are the ones sexually pressuring their boyfriends/fiances, NOT the other way around. (I would like to pause here to point out something rather interesting. It's no secret that in this day and age, men are constantly being bashed for not "stepping up and taking the initiative." Yet, given the information I just offered, I would just like to give praise to all the young Christian men who have the balls (blue as they may be) to put on the brakes in the backseat (especially when the <em>girl</em> is asking for more). It seems crazy because it rarely gets mentioned that <em>guys</em> have often been the protectors of purity and the preventors of pregnancy. Let's hear it for <em>those</em> boys...). <br />
<br />
I was recently talking to a friend about this whole phenomenon of women pushing (guys for sex...although I concede the inference works on many other relevant levels of innuendo as well) and I pointed out how no one ever talks about the<i> girls</i> being the ones who need to keep it in their pants. I guess it's embarassing for good little Christian gals to admit that they are equally as horny, if not more so, than their male counterparts. Instead, we just lie and stereotype the <i>guy </i>as the jerk doing all the pressuring (it seems easier to shift the blame to males in order to make the whole scenario a bit more predictable...maybe even more excusable). Yet I had to laugh when my friend, in that same conversation, blurted out the sudden realization of her own (pressuring) actions towards her boyfriend: "Ugh! I'M the jerk!"<br />
<br />
Hahahaha...how true! Girls can be the jerks and guys can be the ones excercizing the self-control (<em>What</em>??? No one ever talks about this!). The truth of what goes on behind closed doors simply isn't as black and white as you thought it was. Yet, I think there are actually several factors that contribute to this interesting phenomenon of female sexual aggressiveness. Humor me for a moment as I give you a preview of one of my (forthcoming...someday) sex ed classes...<br />
<br />
The first factor, as previously stated, can be chalked up to pure carnal desire on the part of an otherwise demure young woman (hahaha...there's definite truth to the whole "lady in the street, but a freak in the bed" line). Due to the nature of female sexuality (generally not aroused visually, needing foreplay, etc), it's easy to assume that women aren't as interested because they usually aren't physically "ready to go" as quickly as men are. Don't be fooled! The female libido is still strong and seeks to be satisfied. After all, female mammals are the only ones with an organ that has no practical function aside from sexual pleasure (yet another topic for discussion in my sex ed class). Women aren't supposed to enjoy sex? What the crap is THAT all about? Sounds like a lie straight from the pit to me... <br />
<br />
The second contributing factor to the sexual agressiveness of women (in my humble, virginal opinion) is not just our sexual lust, but our lust for control. Don't even think dominatrix here; this is true even on a much <em>subtler </em>scale. I'm talking about that sense of power that a woman gets when she realizes she can use her body to make her man powerless. Take away some clothing here or touch there...and boom...he's at your mercy. That's tough to admit so bluntly, but I'm just gonna say what so many girls are afraid to: That sense of control is compelling! <br />
<br />
But <em>why</em>? Allow me to offer two thoughts--both straight from Scripture, shockingly enough...<br />
<br />
1. Genesis 3:16 offers us incredible insight into the female struggle for power, as we learn of God's punishment for the original sin of Eve:<br />
<br />
"...And you will desire to control your husband,<br />
but he will rule over you"<br />
<br />
Makes so much sense now, doesn't it? This punishment for sin has been passed down from generation to generation, and has sprung up in some way in every female ever since. (Okay, okay...I understand there are a lot of theological implications here which I don't intend to debate right now. Yes, we are no longer under the curse because of Christ. <em>Yet, </em>when we rebel and submit ourselves to sin, we can't deny that our sinful tendencies lead us straight to this...).<br />
<br />
For some, that desire to control comes through incessant nagging of their husband ("Why can't you do things THIS way (aka MY way)?"). For others (like us unmarried chicas), we relish the opportunity (albeit often unconciously) to exercize sexual power over other men in our lives. It doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend--simply attracting attention from guys at the mall (you know, show a bit of cleavage, turn some heads...) will do the trick. We suddenly feel our confidence surge as we regain some sense of power in a world that otherwise feels chaotic and outside the realm of our control.<br />
<br />
Hmmm. Consider that last part of the verse: Women seek to control what they can because they know that they ultimately <em>aren't</em> in control. I think that women use their sexuality (looks, seduction) to manipulate because they are all to aware that men are (generally) able to overpower them physically. Thus, we feel vulnerable in the world. We can't walk down the street alone at night (at least not without a gnawing in our stomach and a constant looking over our shoulder). Even for the strongest of us women, the world can be a scary place.<br />
<br />
Yet we don't have to have this constant fear of rape in order to feel vulnerable to men. On a far less dramatic level, our more concious fear is to be rejected by them. And a woman's traditional method of rejection prevention? Seduction. (Women "giving sex to get love"? Sounds about right). Women will often use their sexual power to keep a guy's attention, jealously seeking to secure his affections on them alone in order to avoid abandonment. This fear of rejection leads us to selfishly seek control, as we strive to awaken lust in our "weaker brothers." <br />
<br />
Ladies, <em>this </em>is our sin...<br />
<br />
<br />
<em>(To be continued)</em></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-71535908331949212662011-10-22T21:29:00.000-07:002011-10-22T22:05:43.841-07:002011-10-22T22:05:43.841-07:00Seasons of Satisfaction and Sorrow<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span lang="EN-AU"> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">To my lovely followers who have asked or been curious about my memoir, here is a little slice pertaining to singleness. The title of this post is the title of the chapter in the book. As you might suspect, it's a bit lengthy, so I'll have to break it up into about four or so more little sections and post them periodically over the next few weeks. So, here goes: True story... :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>Unpublished Blog Entry (found in a journal three years later): March 2007, Age 24</strong><br />
<br />
<em>“People tell me that I need to get married. <br />
<br />
Ha! As if it were all that easy! The problem, I tell them, is that my single state isn’t entirely up to me (as though I were simply a finicky girl, turning up my nose to the dozens of amazing men fawning daily at my beautifully pedicured feet. Sadly, this was not the case...).<br />
<br />
I spent my high-school and college-years with my mascara-enhanced eyes wide open for a potential boyfriend. I was my own perpetual project…ironing out my flaws, updating my style and incorporating the proper flirting techniques into my everyday habits (making it appear seamless, of course). I constantly went back and forth over the question as to the "cause" of my singleness—was it the way I looked, or my personality? This question haunted me for years, and thus, in my insecurity, I beat myself up over things I couldn’t control (my height that had me towering over 98% of guys my age, and a nose that I was convinced took up too much of my face).</em></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
<em>Ironically enough, in the years since, I have received genuine complements on each one of the “flaws” I once considered a deterrent to would-be suitors. And you would think that encouragement would make me happy. No, it only frustrated me all the more. If those things aren’t it, what is it? What is wrong with me??????”</em></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">(In other words: "Why am I still single?")</div><strong></strong><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong>Lies I Believed and Advice I Didn’t Take</strong></div><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br />
Ever since I was 12 years old, people have been telling me that getting married would neither be a magic cure-all to my problems, nor a road to instant and fulfilling happiness (Hmmm, what does that say about our society that we can use the words instant and fulfilling in the same sentence without second thought?). Well-meaning adults would encourage me with trite little relationship statements like: “Two halves don’t make a whole!“ and “Make sure you are happy and complete in yourself first!” From youth leaders to college professors to extended relatives, I was bombarded with these words of wisdom...which, of course, increased with every passing lack of relationship year. <br />
<br />
To me, each statement seemed terribly cliché and was easily shrugged off. Marrieds were getting the better end of the deal--I was sure of it. They were experiencing the joys of weddings, having a standing date for Saturday night, and of course, sex. Since I was void of all these things, I was convinced that this whole “Marriage won’t make you happy” thing was, indeed, a sham. <br />
<br />
It wasn’t until last year that I actually believed it...<br />
<br />
Counselling singles, I see two types of people when it comes to their thoughts on marriage: Those who look upon matrimony with bitterness, cynicism and disdain...and those absolutely desperate to walk down the aisle at any cost. The former have witnessed (and been screwed up by) their parents affairs, abuse or multiple marriages. They have seen the reality of marriage--its ugliness and all--and they want no part of it. The latter have faced rejection and fear they won’t measure up as a potential pick for spouse-hood (yet desire it all the more). For them, the idea of finally being accepted and chosen, would certainly be a dream come true. <br />
<br />
The first group needs a revelation of Almighty God--the One who has the power to transform who we are and redeem our pasts. The second needs a revelation of Daddy God--the One who generously and graciously gives his children good gifts (they don't deserve) because he delights in their joy. Ultimately, though, both revelations are a journey in trust...<br />
<br />
As the "counselee," that second one was my category. At 11 years old, it seemed I was ruined for singleness when I watched my oldest sister get married at the ripe age of 21. Jessica and her husband met in the fall of her freshman year of college...and were engaged to by the time she came home that Christmas. In my little middle-school mind, all the cues around me (the attention to the bride, the congratulations on such a “point of arrival…”) led me to conclude that my quest from that day forward was to look pretty...and start looking for my Husband. (Ick. I hate to see it written out like that, but that is exactly how I pictured it in my head. My Husband idol, with a capital H).<br />
<br />
“You’ll find him when you’re not looking,” people would tell me in college (after first semester came and went without so much as a viable prospect). What does that even MEAN? Cruel, torturous irony is what it is! It's like how a friend once described to me how subtly pride can take over your life. Just when you start to think about how humble you are, you realize pride has hit you like a baseball bat to the back of the knees and has taken you down again. When it came to singleness, this Catch-22 situation seemed to be the story of my life. Every now and then, I would realize “Wow, I’m not looking anymore!” Just, of course, to turn around and remind myself what “happens” when I’m not looking. Suddenly, I’m aware of the unawareness of potential men in my life. Damn cycle starts all over again...<br />
<br />
I wish I could say that I took the high road when it came to accepting my singleness. For many years, however, this was simply not so. Being the “heart on my sleeve” type that I am, it seems I let my disappointment slip to, well, just about everyone in my life. My mini quarter-life crises usually stemmed from this topic, and in my early twenties, I admit I wasn’t so classy in the way I expressed things (there is a little collection of things done or said out of impulse that I desperately wish I could erase from the minds of others…as well as my own).<br />
<br />
Amazingly and thankfully, however, God’s incredible grace and wisdom completely transformed my view of singleness...and shut my self-pitying mouth. I see singleness quite differently now, but it took an unexpected and painful season to get me there...<br />
<br />
<em>To be Continued</em><br />
<br />
<em></em></span></span> </div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-9684660323811437152011-10-14T23:47:00.000-07:002011-10-15T08:27:00.945-07:002011-10-15T08:27:00.945-07:00Hello, My Name Is... (Part Two)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Nature vs. Nurture: The great debate. Are we who we are because of our genes (aka God's design) or because of our great (or ghastly) upbringing? Hmmmm...ponder, ponder. Scholars have debated it for centuries. But now in the 21st, we have a new philosopher shedding light on this ever important dilemma of the origin of identity.<br />
<br />
Her name is Lady Gaga...<i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>"Oh, there ain't no other way, baby, I was BORN THIS WAY."</i> A simple statement couched in a catchy tune; who knew it would help start a brand new sexual revolution fifty years or so after "free love" shed it's taboo? In 2011, however, it's not just about "Do what you want! Be free!" The message has morphed into a far more philosophical (and perhaps even more dangerous...), "Do what you want! It's who you ARE!<i> </i>It feels so good because you were <i>made </i>for this..."<br />
<br />
Lately, I've been thinking about all these lame-ass excuses we make for our sin (note the "we" there...this is my story too...). Like I said in the last post, anyone can rationalize away their thoughts/behaviors simply by shifting the blame to the Lord. "This is just the way God made me!" we easily say of our desires. (Incidentally, Lady Gaga reinforces this view in <i>Born This Way </i>with the line "'Cause God makes no mistakes").<br />
<br />
Since the dawn of time (I'm sure), people have been quick to point the finger at God for the death, destruction and heartbreak present in our world. It's only fitting, then, that now people look to the Lord as the <i>source</i> of their sin. Because<i> </i>He made us, we think, <i>He must be the author of not just the good, but also the bad</i> (i.e. Sexual desires gone awry, mental illness, my craving for sin and death...). Tack on Lady Gaga's logic to that, and it suddenly goes one step further. Since God is <em>good</em> and <em>doesn't</em> make mistakes, everything we feel or think, therefore, MUST be good. There is no such thing as doing or being "bad."<br />
<br />
What a friggin' Slip N Slide of a thought process! But this is <i>exactly </i>the slippery slope that society is caught up on! And what makes it all the more dangerous is that even pop icons recognize the Truth of God's character...He IS good! He DOESN'T make mistakes! And those two assumptions are <i>absolutely</i> correct. But what a fallacy to stop short and say that those Truths suddenly equal "Nothing is bad if (a good) God made it." <br />
<br />
Now it all makes sense: This is why you get labeled a "bigot" if you make a clear distinction between right and wrong. This is why you are accused of being intolerant if you don't tout "To each his own" when it comes to people's choices and desires (even your own). If you're worldview is rooted in the concept of original sin (that's a pretty basic belief for Christians...recognizing that you were sinful from the start and that you despertately need a savior), it's gonna be an uphill battle to live in the last days (ahem, the present...). Because that conviction stands in stark contrast to that of the rest of society. Mainstream America (whose collective worldview tends to be reflected by the media...art imitates life...) will go to the grave convinced that human beings are inherently good. And so it goes...who needs a savior when you haven't done anything wrong? After all, your so-called "sin" was merely "following your instincts"...Or, according to those who love to <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Timothy%203:1-8&version=MSG">twist scripture</a> to make themselves feel better, you were just acting upon "who God made you" to be.<br />
<br />
Wait a minute! Is anyone paying attention to what is <em>really</em> going on here? There is a manipulative ENEMY out there, disguised as an angel of light (2 Cor. 11:14), whose <em>very goal</em> is to wreak havoc on our desires. He makes sin look <em>good</em>...not just compelling, but normal and natural. The lies are subtle, but powerful: "God is good. You are His child. Of course, anything IN you is good. Right...?"<br />
<br />
I'm convinced that what the Church in America needs most is NOT to change surface-y logistics like shifting from the mega churches to home groups, doing more outreach projects, or striving to be more "culturally relevant" (although those are all valid and important things). No, I think that followers of Christ in this country desperately need to study and actively EMBRACE the concept of spiritual warfare.<br />
<br />
If the battle analogy is too cliche for you...get over it, because it's Biblical :) The Truth is, our world IS a war zone and we need to be diligent about living "set apart" (aka holy) lives and FIGHTING to keep our minds renewed in a world saturated with incredibly cunning lies. Do I know what I believe enough not to sucumb to the enemy's false (even "Christiany" sounding...throwing God in the mix) logic? Am I doing battle not just for my friends and family, but also for <em>myself </em>and my own mind? <br />
<br />
My most recent internal discipleship debate is what exactly it means to wash your mind with water through the Word (Eph 5:26). My personal litmus test is this...What comes to my mind first when I'm washing dishes or driving in my car? A song lyric telling me that I am, in fact, <i>good </i>(without God's redemption) and I just need to be myself. Or the Scripture that says "Apart from [Christ] I can do nothing."<br />
<br />
Maybe I need to turn down the radio...<br />
<br />
Yet <i>Lady Gaga</i> tells me exactly what I want to hear: That I'm amazing and awesome...<em>"Rah, rah, rah! Go me!"</em> While she gives a token nod to the Big Guy (make the church kids feel a little less guilty...and pisses off the fundamentalists), the whole concept is clearly about taking pride in yourself and your unique design...<em>not </em>giving praise to the Designer.Yet, isn't this the focus of thousands of children's books and kids cartoons? <em>"Be yourself! You're great! Accept who you are! Don't apologize for being you!"</em> It seems that that deceptive "discipleship" of self-love and pride starts early...<br />
<br />
Truth is, it's much easier to swallow (seemingly) shallow song lyrics than it is the Gospel. Because when I take the Gospel seriously, I am forced to see myself for <i>what I truly am</i> without Christ: "Naked and poor," spending my days surrendering myself to man-made idols like a whore, amassing filthy rags of "good deeds" that fool others into thinking I'm good, yet are nothing but a stench in the nostrils of God. The Gospel tells me that I am fallen, selfish, empty and incomplete without a Savior.<br />
<br />
And Scripture doesn't pull any punches in assuming this concept will sit right with us. "Who can accept such things?" people asked Jesus. THE GOSPEL IS OFFENSIVE, Peter reminds us (1 Peter 2:8). It's a stumbling block that many people can't get around. 'Cause they don't have the guts to say that they are bad...and they need help.<br />
<br />
But we do need help.<i> I</i> need help. To the world, I earn major "Good Girl" points for my "Never done drugs/got drunk/had sex" record. Yet, for the last 28 years, living day in and day out in my naturally depraved body/mind, all too aware of my own selfishness, filth and messed-up, sin-soaked desires. In the past, I denied them. In the past, I downplayed them. But in the light of Christ's stunning perfection, I can't deceive myself any longer.<br />
<br />
The Truth is...God <i>did </i>make me. My original design <i>was </i>good. But some of my ancestors way back in the day, while chillin' in this amazing Garden, suddenly up and decided to trade God's glory in for a lie. In the process, they passed that generational curse of sin onto me. The Truth is, I am NOT who I was meant to be. In and of myself, I am NOT good.<br />
<br />
YET...I am unfathomably adored by my Creator. So much so that He let people kill His completely righteous son, so that my broken and rebellious self could have life. He ransomed me from my own destruction of self-love and pride. He redeemed me and put His perfectly <i>good</i> (Holy!) Spirit inside me. Now I am <em>truly</em> FREE to do good. <i>Not </i>because <i>I </i>am good, but only because HE is good. And He is gracious enough to allow His goodness to flow through me.<br />
<br />
And if that whole thing weren't enough of a paradox, it is only in Him that I find my identity. It is not because <i>I </i>am somehow special/wonderful/"beautiful in my way" (as Gaga would say). My identity is not found in my face, my talents or even my desires. My confidence comes from believing that Christ is standing between me and the Father.<br />
<br />
The other day, I worshiping and this one amazing line came to my mind. I kept singing it over and over: <i>"You see me as pure. You see me as clean. Even though, there is nothing good in me." </i>While we MUST remember that last part (and begin our worldview from that standpoint), we can truly accept the Father's grace and walk in His love when we finally <em>get</em> that revelation: That He is looking at us through Jesus.<br />
<br />
I am who I am because Christ has made me new. There is no other basis for my identity.<br />
<br />
So, how do I<i> really know</i> when I've begun to grasp this whole identity thing? When the Gospel makes me cry. Because in that moment, I suddenly remember that what it says is absolutely true...<br />
<br />
</div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-682117783210199961.post-61664756701803895742011-09-23T13:30:00.000-07:002011-09-24T09:49:07.539-07:002011-09-24T09:49:07.539-07:00"Hello, My Name is (My Desires)"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">If there was ever a desperate need so evident in our Western society today, it would be identity. <em>Who am I?</em> is the rhetorical (yet not so rhetorical) question that everyone asks. It starts with the terrible two's <em>("Don't tell me what to do! I'm my own person!"</em> says the defiant young toddler. Well, if they weren't lacking proper eloquence at that age, I'm sure that's how their rebellion would translate into a string of words beyond the simple, "No!!!!"), and, unfortunately, only seems to grow more intense throughout life. Teenage struggles with peer pressure and experimenting? Quarter-life crisis? Mid-life crisis? All stem from this innate desire to know who we are and what we were created for.<br />
<br />
Of course, "solutions" to the identity crisis are to be found everywhere we turn: <em>Change your look. Get a significant other. Get a degree. Be </em>different <em>than everyone else.</em> Perhaps the most traditionally cliche means for deriving our identity, however, is from our jobs. Fortunately, society has done a decent job at at least unmasking this sham for what it is (although certainly not eliminating it yet). We often hear admonitions like, "You are not your job!" and frustrated statements such as, "When we first meet someone, why do we always ask them their name...and then immediately, 'So, what do you do?' ?" The implication, of course, is that most people DO attempt to define who they are according to their work. Now, I'm quite sure that this has been the case throughout the centuries. Nothing terribly new. However, what I find disturbing is how our society today (more subtly over the past 50 years, but pretty blatantly now) is convincing people that they are not <em>what</em> they do, but <em>who</em> they do. Sex, they tell us, is the defining aspect of who we are.<br />
<br />
Not so much our sex as in <em>gender</em> (which, ironically enough, seems to be an ambiguous concept nowadays anyway...), but our sexual desires. Years ago, the homosexual community began linking sexual desires to identity, and the concept caught on surprisingly well. This strategy, although a blatant lie, managed to make a pretty compelling argument: <em>Don't just call your sexual desires a choice. Tie them to</em> who you are <em>as a person. That way, no one can disagree with you.</em> Can you see how subtle and manipulative that is? Foolish choices can be argued with, but identity can't. The minute you start arguing about identity (whether it's homosexuality, personality traits or personal weaknesses), people simply counter any opposition with a cutesy little phrase: <br />
<br />
"Well, that's just the way God made me!" <br />
<br />
Immediate shut down. What do you do with <em>that</em>? Most people, unfortunately, have absolutely no clue what to say in that scenario (which is becoming increasingly more common). And the truth is, every rebuttal will come up short unless you yourself have an understanding of what <em>true </em>identity really is. Because true identity is <em>not </em>self-defined. And true identity is not, <em>in any way,</em> based on our choices, predispositions or desires.<br />
<br />
Pause. Stop and actually <em>reflect</em> for a moment about what those two statements mean. First of all, we self-define our identity ALL THE TIME (or at least what we <em>think</em> is our identity). Think about the following phrases: <em>I'm fun. I'm quiet. That's my style. I like this. These are my kind of people. I'm </em>not <em>like that. That's </em>not<em> me. That's totally </em>me<em>! </em>We believe <em>we </em>are the ones to create our identity. And, of course, those definitions stem from what we naturally do or don't desire (sexually or otherwise). This two concepts rarely get questioned: The fact that we seek to define our <em>own</em> identity, and that identity is based on what we like or don't like (our deep desires and predispositions present since we were kids). Yet, these are FALSE concepts. As Christians, we so desperately need to recognize and reject these concepts before they completely screw up our entire understanding of identity. After all, if the world is craving identity, <em>we </em>need to be the ones to show them the only place they can go to get it.<br />
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(p.s. If you have never read <em>Wild at Heart</em> or <em>Captivating</em> by John Eldredge, you're about to get the one-paragraph paraphrase of both...)<br />
<br />
<em>Identity is bestowed</em>. We must grasp our minds around those three vital words. We cannot give ourselves our identity...it <em>has</em> to come from outside of us. In the same breath, however, not just anyone can tell us who we are. It can only be One person. But before we go there, let's be honest to say that we have spent much of our lives looking to <em>others</em> to define us--friends, co-workers, teachers, bosses. Yet, it all started with our fathers. Whether male or female, we looked to <em>them</em> first to give us the affirmation that we so desperately craved. We wanted to capture their attention to know that we were strong/beautiful, important and <em>wanted</em>. Yet, our Dad's failed us...even the very best of them. Despite their best efforts, <em>still </em>we rebelled. <em>Still </em>we sought love from unhealthy relationships. <em>Still</em> we lay in bed at night asking "Who am I?" Even our own flesh-and-blood Dad couldn't give us what we truly needed.<br />
<br />
I first got the idea for this post when I heard one of my favorite singers do a cover of the song "Father Figure." For those unfamiliar, this song was originally written by George Michael (whom, if you don't know, is gay and notorious for an infamous public sexual incident several years ago). All of that to say, the song is actually deeply personal and intensely revealing about the nature of identity. <br />
<br />
It starts like this...<br />
<br />
<em>That's all I wanted, something special,<br />
Something sacred in your eyes</em><br />
<br />
And then the chorus...<br />
<br />
<em>I will be your father figure</em><br />
<em>Put your tiny hand in mine...</em><br />
<em>I will be the one who loves you<br />
till the end of time</em><br />
<br />
So, given the prior information I've offered, I think it is safe to deduce that George Michael is singing this song to his gay lover. Yet, the father imagery here is both blatant and heart-wrenching. He begins with a lament that certainly was first made to his <em>real</em> Daddy many years before. Wanting something special and <em>sacred</em>? This<em> </em>song <em>screams</em> identity. And we can only presume that Daddy missed the boat on that one, because here is his little boy, now all grown up, desperately seeking <em>redemption</em> in the embrace of a man who likely had the same ache in <em>his</em> heart for fatherly affirmation. So, attempts to bandage old wounds end up resurfacing as love song lyrics: "<em>I</em> will be your father figure...<em>I </em>will love you..."<br />
<br />
On one hand, we can see how <em>clearly</em> messed up this is (very Freudian...). On the other hand, however, this song is brutally <em>honest </em>about the desires of our own hearts. Disregard for a minute the gay love story aspect and think about it from a heterosexual perspective. Women are often drawn to men who are like their fathers. Even when we don't want it to happen, it often does. Call it coincidence, but it just might<em> be</em> subconscious. Forgive the Freudian-ness, but I use that verbiage because even the <em>world</em> understands this...that deep (often unrecognized) craving within us for Daddy love. And left unchecked, that craving will compel us <em>women </em>to seek affirmation and attention from men who represent the image of what we longed for Dad to be.<br />
<br />
Like I said, even though our fathe was the first we looked to to bestow our identity, he still could never be the one to give it. Earthly, imperfect Dad was just a shadow meant to reflect and point the way to Heavenly Dad. No human being can be our "father figure" (to show us love in the deepest way we crave). Nor can we find <em>any </em>identity outside of what our Heavenly Father calls us.<br />
<br />
But do we really believe that? That there is no lasting way to derive our identity outside of Him? No matter how spectacular our relationships, job, looks or accomplishments are, they are <em>meaningless</em>. Have you <em>read </em>Ecclesiastes? Or how about Isaiah 1:31..."<em>The mighty man will become tinder and his work a spark; both will burn together, with no one to quench the fire</em>." In other words, we might as well go grab a match now...because everything we attempt to base our identity around (outside of Christ) is going to burn anyway.<br />
<br />
So, <em>why the heck</em> are we wasting our time on it?<br />
<br />
As C.S. Lewis so courageously reminds us of the pursuits we devote our lives to...<br />
<br />
"Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but <em>too weak</em>. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and <em>sex </em>and ambition when <em>infinite joy</em> is offered us, <em>like an ignorant child</em> who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. <em>We are far too easily pleased</em>." (emphasis mine)<br />
<br />
We work to base our identity on our ever-changing (<em>lowly) </em>desires, which frankly, are pathetic in comparison to what we <em>could </em>have. Like Lewis says, we are ignorant. We <em>don't even know</em> how much joy, peace and security comes from deeply knowing and having our identity established in Christ. I agree with Lewis: We are <em>far</em> too easily pleased...especially when it comes to our sexuality ("fooling about with sex," as it were). In today's world, experimenting is "hot" (thank you, Katy Perry...) and entertaining (and engaging in) our most twisted fantasies is simply "feeding a natural appetite" (thank you, Kinsey...). And when we elevate our sexuality and desire for gratification to <em>identity status</em>, we easily excuse sin. In fact, we don't call it sin at all. Instead, we look to our Maker, not for the identity He longs to give us, but to blame <em>Him </em>for our desires: <em>"How can this be wrong if I want it this much? Why did you make me with such intense longings if I can't express them?"</em><br />
<br />
Remember, this is not just a homosexual argument. For as much experience as I have had in ministry, I know that there are <em>many</em> heterosexual Christians who wrestle with the intense desires created by their sexuality. In trying to discern God's role in our making (the creation of both our sexuality and our desires), we can easily rationalize behaviour related to our design as sexual beings. Surely masturbation is okay (physical release, right?). Fantasy about my future spouse (or faceless person) is normal, isn't it? The fact is, sin has tainted "normal." And the only way we can <em>really </em>know what normal is (i.e. the most beautiful and glorious experiences that God originally <em>intended</em>) is by dumping all the messed up things our minds and bodies have done, at the feet of Jesus. <br />
<br />
All it takes is a simple prayer...<br />
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"Jesus, HELP ME! I need to think <em>beyond </em>all this. I want to know<em> who I am</em>!"<br />
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<em>To be continued...</em></div>Jennifernoreply@blogger.com0