He's Just Not That Into You (and Why That's Okay)

A friend and I were chatting recently about what the deal is with the guys online...why the really amazing guys have yet to make a move, but how the ones we're not so wild about are shockingly bold. Oh, cruel irony!

Instead of feeling hurt and rejected by this lack of attention (at least the attention we want), it's good to get some perspective. Mr. Gorgeous Profile Dream Man may not be into me, but that's not the end of the world...

The truth is this (debt to amazing Christian single speaker, Carolyn McCulley for reminding us)...

"It is good to remember that no one single woman is going to be attractive to (nor attracted to) all the single men she meets. My single friends, I know it's tempting to survey the men you know and ask why no one pursues you. Sometimes you might glean a helpful insight, but most of the time you are going to hear a lot of personal preferences that only underscore why these men have or will marry other women. And this is a good thing. You really only want to attract the man you are supposed to marry, not a bunch of other women's husbands. Yes, you are likely to attract several runners-up in the quest to find your husband. But please don't diminish the skills, passions, and capacities the Lord has given you in order to make yourself fit some arbitrary standard that 'all men' find appealing. You are not going to marry 'all men.'"

What a great reminder! In the wise words of little Amy March (Little Women), "You only need one...if he's the right one."

McCulley's wisdom also helps me remember that I don't need to change my profile incessantly, scheming the very best words to impress prospects. And I don't need to dumb myself down or downplay my relationship with the Lord for fear that I might "intimidate" a potential mate.

A valuable lesson I am learning through this whole online dating experience is the art of opening myself to new possibilities and "putting myself out there" at the risk of rejection (ideally for a trade-off that makes it all worth it!). In the meantime, I won't be shaken when life differs from my expectations.

And I won't forget to be 100% the woman I have been made to be. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter what my matches may do or not do, I am still me...and I've been called "very good" by the One who matters most.

Best Of: Apocalyptic Hookups

Heya faithful VV readers! So, I know that a lot of you are new to my site and probably haven't read all the classics (lol...circa 2011). Instead of aimlessly wading through looking for the funniest-sounding titles, I thought I'd help you out by offering a "Best Of" post every week. And even if you've been a VV fan for awhile and read the original, this will just be a reminder and a fresh revelation for the new season you're in :)

Hope you enjoy one of my personal favs...

Apocalyptic Hook-Ups

"Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey, give me everything tonight...for all we know we might not get tomorrow"

 -Pitbull, "Give Me Everything"

It’s the reoccurring nightmare of every Christian kid reared in a fundamentalist home: Sleepy eyed and disheveled, your little self awakens in the morning and walks in the kitchen only to discover that everyone is gone. After briefly contemplating the possibility that you could be re-creating Macaulay Culkin’s serendipity a la Home Alone, your happiness quickly turns to horror. The unthinkable has just occurred: The rapture has happened...and you’ve been left behind.

Fast forward to your teen years: That dream has since evolved into a scenario far more frightening. This time you KNOW the rapture has happened, because hey, there you are, caught up in the clouds with Jesus!  Instead of rejoicing, however, you’re secretly a little pissed. “Really, God? Now?” You are now on your way to heaven without ever having had sex.

"It's like THE most tragic thing to die a virgin," so would have said my 13 year-old self. Even at that young age, the possibility of living a sex-free existence here on earth was very, very scary. And ironically, I have my church to thank for that... 

Every single sermon from my youth group days (at least the ones interesting enough to be remembered years later) can be lumped in one of two general categories: A “Don’t Do It” sex talk and a “Get Your Life Right; Jesus is Coming Back” scare tactic spiel on the end times. I’m not sure who developed this particular sermon series, but may I say that it isn't the wisest strategy to pair these two topics together. The first admonition will (in many cases) only lead to curiosity or determination to break said rule, while the second offers the prime opportunity for action. The ever brilliant teenage mind quickly concludes: If I’m ever gonna see what this whole sex thing is about, I’d better do it quick. After all, true love waits, but the rapture might not. 

Tim Keller, a Manhattan pastor, eluded to the concept of the “Apocalyptic Hook-Up” in one of his recent sermons. Apparently, the New York Times did an article in which they explored this “recent trend” where people make it their goal to hook up with someone far more attractive than they are. This experience, Keller noted, served as a self-esteem booster for many in order to prove that they could, in fact, get some from someone gorgeous.

When I first heard this new term, however, the possible definition that came to mind was not a one-night stand of epic proportions, but a hasty hook-up spurred on by a fear of the Apocalypse. In this case, it didn’t matter if your partner was super hot, just willing to share an experience that, if it didn’t happen now, might never happen at all. Although the New York Times-defined version might be new, I'm thinkin' that the "Last days = last chance for romance" idea probably first took flight 40 or so years ago...

From what I've gathered, the Jesus Movement didn’t seem too interested in discipleship. Back in the 70’s, with wars, rumours of wars, and the production of terrifying Christian movies about the Great Tribulation, the focus was on the present, not future. Therefore, Christians pushed evangelism; getting people saved was the ultimate priority. All that lifestyle stuff the Bible talks about (um,discipleship??) quickly took a back seat. There simply wasn’t enough time for that now…

Seeing as I didn’t even exist in the 70’s, I don’t claim to be the expert on this. I only know what my mother told me. My mom got saved in the Jesus Movement when she was 15. That same year, she got pregnant. As thankful as my mom is for her salvation experience, she desperately wishes they stressed different subjects in church back then.

“They really made you think that Jesus was coming back tomorrow!” she says of her own youth group sermons (Twenty years later in the 90’s, things hadn’t changed much. My experience was the same).

So, what else is a poor kid to do? “Eat, drink and be merry,” the Bible says, “for tomorrow we die” (discipleship 101 in a last days world). Live it up was the motto for all the youth who never even considered that the Lord might tarry long enough for them to actually get married (to have sex). And at 15, my mom certainly never pictured that one day she would be a grandmother of eight…

While I’m the first to chuckle at the fact that sex is a big enough deal in the mind of a teenager that it absolutely has to happen at all costs before Armageddon, I do find it disturbing that young people are so adamantly convinced in the ultimate satisfaction of it. Why is death as a virgin the worst thing in the world? I guess because, according to the world, it’s the best you can get. Love, closeness, and pleasure (in the most ideal scenario) can all be found in the embrace of another human being. As glorious as it may be (not the expert on this, but I'd venture it's a fair assumption...), I'm convinced there is infinitely more to life than this. Going back to that teenage dream for a minute: The dilemma is heaven vs. sex. And the sad reality is, most choose the sex.

This proves that we know absolutely nothing about heaven. In our finite brains, we can’t grasp the concept that something could provide FAR greater amounts of love, closeness and pleasure than doin' the dirty. But it's true! Only in recent years of studying the Bible as an adult have I discovered the book of Revelation is, in large part, NOT about the end times. (That truly came as a shock to me, I’m embarrassed to admit…). This book (often titled some form of the wordApocalypse in many Latin-based languages) is actually about the incredible beauty and greatness of God. Not to mention the perfect and perfectly satisfying home that He has waiting for us.

Just a few days ago, I was describing the California-based preacher/author Francis Chan to one of my friends. “Basically,” I said, “No matter what the subject of his sermon is, he always ends up talking about heaven.” In fact, Chan is perhaps the only person I’ve heard preach on Revelation without 75% of it (or more) being about pre, mid or post-trib theories and the implications of being “left behind” after the rapture (be-headings, anyone?). Nope, none of that: Chan just talks about the beauty of Jesus. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone talk more passionately about the anticipation of God’s glory revealed in heaven as Francis Chan (I take that back…Chan, and John Piper. See below). He is absolutely convinced that nothing on this earth could ever come close to knowing the Lord in His fullness. (I highly recommend his sermon “The Holiness of God” from Cornerstone Simi Valley Church. When I first heard it, I was speechless…).

John Piper, another preacher whom I deeply respect, is also known for touting God’s glory in each book he publishes and every sermon he preaches. His analogy pertaining to the heaven vs. sex argument is profound. In a sermon on singleness (continuing our “lack of sex” theme), Piper admonishes singles that the season they are in (whether permanent or temporary) offers them an opportunity for a unique covenant with God that married people don’t have. Its true: God makes the promise in Isaiah 56 (read the commentary on it). The problem is, Piper says, singles don’t actually believe experiencing the fullness of God to be a great reward (and certainly not a good trade for no marriage). Instead of cherishing the treasure of their singleness, they ask God for both: “Can’t I have the Biblical benefits of singleness (see 1 Corinthians 7) AND the whole marriage/sex thing?“ The two are absolutely incomparable, Piper says. Opting for human marriage over a rare closeness with the Almighty, is like God giving you the entire ocean, and you tugging on his shirt sleeve and asking, “Um, can I have a thimble too?”

(When it’s put in that light, we suddenly realize how foolish it is to desperately desire something so silly compared to something so beautiful).

Heaven or sex? Well, hopefully it's both :) But if it comes down to reveling in the lusts of the flesh (sex outside of marriage) or soaking up the beauty of Jesus, it should be a no-brainer. 

I pray that both myself and my students will have a relationship with God where we truly trust His ability to satisfy us more than anything else in this world. 

Oh, that we would look at that question and boldly choose the right answer...

Dating Profile Dealbreakers

So....I'm getting such a kick out of online dating! Profile content of potentials is particularly amusing...terrific fodder for road trip conversations, chats with girlfriends, and now, for The Virgin Verdict.

Yes, friends, the following content is REAL. In my few short weeks of recent online dating experience, I've seen all of these things.

Meanwhile, I'm wondering what exactly these "Christian" boys are smoking because who says this stuff in a dating profile???!!!

Note to all men who might be reading this: Here are things NOT to say in your profile. They are all grounds for automatic closure and blocking of you, as you pigeonhole yourself into the creeper/cocky/not-really-a-Christian box.

Here goes: I have absolutely no qualms with closing a profile if a guy says in his online dating profile...


The one thing I'm most passionate about:

"Meeting beautiful new women"

"Elks Lodge"

"Yoga"

"Finding my soul mate"

"Church" (with no other mention of God or Jesus at all in the profile. Bleh...I'm not into churchy culture with no actual relationship with the Lord. Incidentally, most of these men are from Texas. Shocker...).

A rant on Second Amendment rights (also likely from Texas)


Three things I can't live without (like, they're up there with air and water):

"Video games"

"America"

"My Mom"

"Guns"

"Some lovin"


Last book I read and enjoyed:

"I can't remember the last book I read"

"Calvin and Hobbes"

A long list of Nicolas Sparks novels

"I really like books by Joel Osteen"


What I'm looking for in a woman:

"Extremely beautiful and incredibly intelligent" (ugh...cocky?)

"A Gamer girl"

"I'm not attracted to girly girls in the slightest"

"I'm not looking for the perfect woman, but one who's perfect for me" (gag! I see this cliche all the time!)


If his profile pictures consist of...

Self-portraits taken in front of a mirror

Pictures of landscapes (not him)

Pictures of his dog (not him)

A dessert (not him)

Him with full Goth makeup

Photos of him with no shirt (vain, much?)

No photos (really?)

Not a single picture is of him smiling (Creeper! "He's climbin in yo window, snatchin' yo people up...")

Him wearing sunglasses in every single picture (um, it would very much reassure me to know you have eyes)

A picture showing only his biceps


Other miscellaneous info:

A guy who not-so-subtly encrypts their Facebok or email into the profile (like "Look me up. Smith on FB or at the Google place" I interpret this as: "I'm too cheap to pay for an account, so I'm gonna make you do all the work of pursuing me even though I'm the dude...")

Someone with terrible English ("God is my row model")

The man who says "Maybe" when it comes to having children one day (I learned the hard way from past experience that Maybe usually means No, but he knows that if he says No, girls won't even consider him. I don't even consider the Maybe's...).


Occupation:

"Unemployed"

"I'll tell you later"

An animal "whisperer"

Fast food restaurant "sign shaker"


Refers to himself as (instead of using a real first name):

Mr. Snuggles

Big Thunder

The name of a board game

A letter (i.e. "X" or "M")

Soul Mate


I hope you got a good laugh out of all that. I've laughed a lot lately...all before I hit the delete button.

And to set the record straight, there are a lot of profiles I DO keep open. Particularly the ones that talk a lot about Jesus, missions and Mark Driscoll sermons ;)

The ironic thing is, last night when I went scanning through profiles I'd closed to come up with this list, these guys saw that I had viewed their profile...and started trying to communicate with me! Crap!

Oh well, I guess this is my "kissing frogs" phase. Someday my prince will come. (Hopefully not taking pictures of his muscles in the mirror).