Pride, Prejudice and Divine Irony

^" How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?... 

What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.'  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil."

-James 4:14-16

 

"Never say never. That's just stupid..."

Those were the wise words of Beth Moore in our last video study of the book of James. Although Beth wasn't necessarily talking about relationships, that simple "Duh!" quote can certainly serve as the caption for romantic lives of nearly all of my close friends/family members. And who knows...maybe even my own one day.

Oh, humility...

Thank God for friends who have the privilege of witnessing such moments of youthful folly and stubborn insistence when we throw out blanket "I'd NEVER..." statements. Years down the road, our pals point out that the very thing we claimed we would NEVER do, we have, in fact, done...or are presently engaged in. How sweet of them to remind us. Isn't that what friends are for? ;)

As for me, my own personal "never, ever" vows seem to never, ever fail to come back and bite me in the bum...

Case in point, as a high school student, I swore up and down that when it came to the search for my first job, I would never work at "The Whit" (the arena in our college town). Everyone, it seemed, worked at The Whit...and I, of course, was not just "everyone." Like any teenager, I craved uniqueness, but in the end, followed the crowd into the world of "food service first jobs." Every weekend, I served pizza, pretzels and popcorn to hungry hockey fans and concert crowds (mostly stoned, thence munchie-minded). I said I never would, so, of course I'd end up there.

Of course...

While I won't claim to have perfect understanding of God's character, I surmise that this divine irony is part of the Lord's clever ploy to keep us grounded. Being faced with situations like these, we suddenly realize we have far less control over our lives than we think we do. Because every time we have to eat our words, it works to break down our pride, tear away our prejudices and open our eyes to some much needed perspective...

Nowhere do I see the "never, ever" words boomerang back as often as I do when it comes to marriage. More precisely, the choosing of a marriage partner. Literally more times than I can count, I have watched and listened to couples tell "their story" and start off with one of the following statements...

-"I wasn't attracted to him/her at all. He/she totally wasn't my type..."

-"We were just friends. I NEVER thought we would end up together!"

-"I never wanted to marry a blonde/someone shorter than me/an American" (insert specific attribute here...one that just so happened to be the very description of their spouse)

-"He/she is so different than I ever would pictured my spouse would be..."

It's fascinating to consider the reasons WHY we make such statements in the first place. We are quick to place people/circumstances in the "never, ever" category when they seem so....weird. Weird because they aren't what we initially desire. Weird because they don't fit an ideal we had in our minds. Weird because we don't think they would be what we "need." And again, we are shocked to find that what we once shunned has now taken us by surprise. Divine irony strikes again...

But should we be so surprised? Because behind every "I'd Never..." lurks a pride couched in false confidence and worldly wisdom. Walking in the arrogance of assumption and tossing out those kind of statements reveals two very common (yet false!) beliefs we cling to...

1. I know what is/is not best for my life
2. I am in control of what happens to me

These lies are the biggies I tend to fall prey to...(ahem) constantly. Enveloped in the infamous (and dozens of times revised) "list" of what I want in a future husband are these lies. Every time I revise the list, I pat myself on the back for my so-called "wisdom" in thinking/planning ahead. As I list, my subconscious overflows with thoughts of, "I CAN'T allow myself to get caught up in emotion when making such an important decision! I MUST be smart about the person I choose to marry by making sure that they fulfill all my criteria! I REFUSE to be caught off-guard and unprepared!"

Feel free to call me a control freak, but I'm just being real. Many a single guy or gal I know has such a list (whether formally written or just a mere vision in their mind) of desires to be fulfilled by that elusive FH or FW. A beautiful ideal justified by phrases like "I'm really NOT searching for perfection, I swear! I think my standards are totally realistic..." Which, they very well might be.

The problem isn't with the actual characteristics as much as what they represent. Looking through my own lists and recalling those of friends, 95% of the characteristics exist for my own selfish benefit. I want someone who is tall (so I can wear heels and feel comfortable), attractive (so I can show him off and be proud to call him my man), financially secure (so I don't have to worry about money), romantic (so I can always feel special and loved). Etc. etc. Everything that I want. All to make me happy...

Ugh, even reading that, the comfort-seeking, entitlement-craving Westerner in me seeks to protest: "Why shouldn't I desire those things? I'm a great person! I deserve a great person too!" I can even get all Christian-y about it the cliche and bust out a: "Doesn't God WANT me to be happy?" (Insert self-pitying tear and frowny face here...).

Yes, there is definite truth there! God is a loving, giving Father who takes delight in the joy of His children. He loves to give us good gifts! But the problem comes when we demand those gifts and dictate the exact specifications. For all the times we approach Him as such, we as believers need that kick-in-the-head reminder that Jesus Christ is NOT Santa Claus. And good thing too...because even with Santa Claus, there is condition. If we are good (so the story goes), we get the very gifts we asked for (our "list," incidentally). But if we've screwed up and made the naughty list, Santa doesn't offer much...just some dirty, smelly coal in our stocking. There's no grace with Santa. Only Jesus can truly give gifts with no strings attached...

The implication? I cannot earn my spouse. I can't plan/scheme/strive my way out of singleness. My choices themselves, for good or bad, aren't the determining factor to me receiving the gift of marriage. For as much as the world would convince me otherwise, it is not in my hands. My life is not my own...

If I truly believe that God is in control of my life, I have to believe He is in charge of this very important part of my life/future as well. Marriage is not something I can (or should even attempt to) conjure up in my own strength. I'm slowly, but surely, allowing myself to believe that I can't work (aka "strive") to achieve this. Marriage is a gift...just as singleness is. I need to learn to see both as such...

Throughout my twenties, I have struggled with the lie that I am still single because I am somehow lacking something significant. The truth is, I will ALWAYS be lacking something. This side of heaven, the mystical point where I am suddenly 100% the way I want to look, completely confident of myself and my abilities, totally emotionally healthy and entirely spiritually mature, simply does not exist. My perfectionistic self is wrestling with this crazy notion that the point of "arrival" I am seeking after will never arrive. I am imperfect...that's just how it is.

Instead of despairing about that fact, I want to allow it to give me the perspective I need. Because I am imperfect, I cannot attempt to earn the desire of my heart for marriage and family. And because I can't earn it, that means it can only be given in the form of a gift. And because it is a gift, I can't make demands on it's specifications. I simply need to receive it...

Maybe instead of investing my energy into listing out my own desires, I need to devote my time to preparing my heart to receive. To renounce rebellion and stubbornness. To learn to submit. To truly trust that God's gifts and plans are always GOOD.

Whenever I'm tempted "to list," I pray Psalm 37:4. Not for the Lord to give me the desires of my heart, but for Him to give me the desires of my heart. As in, Him planting His desires within me so that I come to desire them too. I pray that I would be open to whatever He wants for me, in whatever package it comes in. I pray that I will be humble enough to allow Him to open my eyes to something/someone different than what I always pictured.

With no prospects in my present line of sight (I do concede that God might be very purposefully blinding me to them right now) and absolutely no clue as to what God is up to, I very humbly admit that I have no idea what my love story will be. The motivated perfectionist in me wants to do what I can to somehow "make it happen." The creative visionary in me wants to dream up what my future marriage might look like and how it might all unfold. Yet, I cannot attempt to know. I confess that for all my years of seeking God and growing in wisdom, I know that He knows much better than me what I really need. I can simply stand in faith, knowing that HE is at work, unfolding His plan, in His timing. And as humbling as it is, I don't need to know the details until He chooses to reveal them.

In the meantime, I will "hold on hope"...and never say never as to what He might have in store.