Pride, Prejudice and Divine Irony

^" How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?... 

What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.'  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil."

-James 4:14-16

 

"Never say never. That's just stupid..."

Those were the wise words of Beth Moore in our last video study of the book of James. Although Beth wasn't necessarily talking about relationships, that simple "Duh!" quote can certainly serve as the caption for romantic lives of nearly all of my close friends/family members. And who knows...maybe even my own one day.

Oh, humility...

Thank God for friends who have the privilege of witnessing such moments of youthful folly and stubborn insistence when we throw out blanket "I'd NEVER..." statements. Years down the road, our pals point out that the very thing we claimed we would NEVER do, we have, in fact, done...or are presently engaged in. How sweet of them to remind us. Isn't that what friends are for? ;)

As for me, my own personal "never, ever" vows seem to never, ever fail to come back and bite me in the bum...

Case in point, as a high school student, I swore up and down that when it came to the search for my first job, I would never work at "The Whit" (the arena in our college town). Everyone, it seemed, worked at The Whit...and I, of course, was not just "everyone." Like any teenager, I craved uniqueness, but in the end, followed the crowd into the world of "food service first jobs." Every weekend, I served pizza, pretzels and popcorn to hungry hockey fans and concert crowds (mostly stoned, thence munchie-minded). I said I never would, so, of course I'd end up there.

Of course...

While I won't claim to have perfect understanding of God's character, I surmise that this divine irony is part of the Lord's clever ploy to keep us grounded. Being faced with situations like these, we suddenly realize we have far less control over our lives than we think we do. Because every time we have to eat our words, it works to break down our pride, tear away our prejudices and open our eyes to some much needed perspective...

Nowhere do I see the "never, ever" words boomerang back as often as I do when it comes to marriage. More precisely, the choosing of a marriage partner. Literally more times than I can count, I have watched and listened to couples tell "their story" and start off with one of the following statements...

-"I wasn't attracted to him/her at all. He/she totally wasn't my type..."

-"We were just friends. I NEVER thought we would end up together!"

-"I never wanted to marry a blonde/someone shorter than me/an American" (insert specific attribute here...one that just so happened to be the very description of their spouse)

-"He/she is so different than I ever would pictured my spouse would be..."

It's fascinating to consider the reasons WHY we make such statements in the first place. We are quick to place people/circumstances in the "never, ever" category when they seem so....weird. Weird because they aren't what we initially desire. Weird because they don't fit an ideal we had in our minds. Weird because we don't think they would be what we "need." And again, we are shocked to find that what we once shunned has now taken us by surprise. Divine irony strikes again...

But should we be so surprised? Because behind every "I'd Never..." lurks a pride couched in false confidence and worldly wisdom. Walking in the arrogance of assumption and tossing out those kind of statements reveals two very common (yet false!) beliefs we cling to...

1. I know what is/is not best for my life
2. I am in control of what happens to me

These lies are the biggies I tend to fall prey to...(ahem) constantly. Enveloped in the infamous (and dozens of times revised) "list" of what I want in a future husband are these lies. Every time I revise the list, I pat myself on the back for my so-called "wisdom" in thinking/planning ahead. As I list, my subconscious overflows with thoughts of, "I CAN'T allow myself to get caught up in emotion when making such an important decision! I MUST be smart about the person I choose to marry by making sure that they fulfill all my criteria! I REFUSE to be caught off-guard and unprepared!"

Feel free to call me a control freak, but I'm just being real. Many a single guy or gal I know has such a list (whether formally written or just a mere vision in their mind) of desires to be fulfilled by that elusive FH or FW. A beautiful ideal justified by phrases like "I'm really NOT searching for perfection, I swear! I think my standards are totally realistic..." Which, they very well might be.

The problem isn't with the actual characteristics as much as what they represent. Looking through my own lists and recalling those of friends, 95% of the characteristics exist for my own selfish benefit. I want someone who is tall (so I can wear heels and feel comfortable), attractive (so I can show him off and be proud to call him my man), financially secure (so I don't have to worry about money), romantic (so I can always feel special and loved). Etc. etc. Everything that I want. All to make me happy...

Ugh, even reading that, the comfort-seeking, entitlement-craving Westerner in me seeks to protest: "Why shouldn't I desire those things? I'm a great person! I deserve a great person too!" I can even get all Christian-y about it the cliche and bust out a: "Doesn't God WANT me to be happy?" (Insert self-pitying tear and frowny face here...).

Yes, there is definite truth there! God is a loving, giving Father who takes delight in the joy of His children. He loves to give us good gifts! But the problem comes when we demand those gifts and dictate the exact specifications. For all the times we approach Him as such, we as believers need that kick-in-the-head reminder that Jesus Christ is NOT Santa Claus. And good thing too...because even with Santa Claus, there is condition. If we are good (so the story goes), we get the very gifts we asked for (our "list," incidentally). But if we've screwed up and made the naughty list, Santa doesn't offer much...just some dirty, smelly coal in our stocking. There's no grace with Santa. Only Jesus can truly give gifts with no strings attached...

The implication? I cannot earn my spouse. I can't plan/scheme/strive my way out of singleness. My choices themselves, for good or bad, aren't the determining factor to me receiving the gift of marriage. For as much as the world would convince me otherwise, it is not in my hands. My life is not my own...

If I truly believe that God is in control of my life, I have to believe He is in charge of this very important part of my life/future as well. Marriage is not something I can (or should even attempt to) conjure up in my own strength. I'm slowly, but surely, allowing myself to believe that I can't work (aka "strive") to achieve this. Marriage is a gift...just as singleness is. I need to learn to see both as such...

Throughout my twenties, I have struggled with the lie that I am still single because I am somehow lacking something significant. The truth is, I will ALWAYS be lacking something. This side of heaven, the mystical point where I am suddenly 100% the way I want to look, completely confident of myself and my abilities, totally emotionally healthy and entirely spiritually mature, simply does not exist. My perfectionistic self is wrestling with this crazy notion that the point of "arrival" I am seeking after will never arrive. I am imperfect...that's just how it is.

Instead of despairing about that fact, I want to allow it to give me the perspective I need. Because I am imperfect, I cannot attempt to earn the desire of my heart for marriage and family. And because I can't earn it, that means it can only be given in the form of a gift. And because it is a gift, I can't make demands on it's specifications. I simply need to receive it...

Maybe instead of investing my energy into listing out my own desires, I need to devote my time to preparing my heart to receive. To renounce rebellion and stubbornness. To learn to submit. To truly trust that God's gifts and plans are always GOOD.

Whenever I'm tempted "to list," I pray Psalm 37:4. Not for the Lord to give me the desires of my heart, but for Him to give me the desires of my heart. As in, Him planting His desires within me so that I come to desire them too. I pray that I would be open to whatever He wants for me, in whatever package it comes in. I pray that I will be humble enough to allow Him to open my eyes to something/someone different than what I always pictured.

With no prospects in my present line of sight (I do concede that God might be very purposefully blinding me to them right now) and absolutely no clue as to what God is up to, I very humbly admit that I have no idea what my love story will be. The motivated perfectionist in me wants to do what I can to somehow "make it happen." The creative visionary in me wants to dream up what my future marriage might look like and how it might all unfold. Yet, I cannot attempt to know. I confess that for all my years of seeking God and growing in wisdom, I know that He knows much better than me what I really need. I can simply stand in faith, knowing that HE is at work, unfolding His plan, in His timing. And as humbling as it is, I don't need to know the details until He chooses to reveal them.

In the meantime, I will "hold on hope"...and never say never as to what He might have in store.

Lead Me, I'm Yours

"What's an independent woman to do?"

A single girlfriend recently asked me this when it came to her apprehensions about marriage and questions as to why she wasn't being pursued by men.

It is the perilous plight of the strong woman: "Am I too strong?" my friend surmised, "Too independent?" Where is the line between seeking to cultivate a deep Proverbs 31 character and signifcant skill-set, yet not striving to be the leader of my own life, ministry or (future) marriage?

I totally relate to my friend's struggle. The consistent comment/compliment I have received from dozens of friends, family and co-workers over the years is: "You're such a strong woman!" Never once did I perceive it to mean anything derogatory or unattractive (nor do I think it was ever intended that way), yet I always harbored that secret thought: "What guy is going to want a woman like me?"

I don't say that out of insecurity, but out of genuine curiosity. Are there men out there who are actually praying for a strong woman to marry?

Because I'd think that it would be far less work for a man to find/marry a woman who is naturally dependant, quiet and laid back. You know, the girl who needs a man--or at least caters to his ego to have him believe that she desperately needs him (think Sarah Jessica Parker's scheme in Failure to Launch. She boasts a 100% success rate in reeling a guy in by "allowing" him to teach her something). Lest you think I'm this crazy feminist, allow me to say that I DO believe in interdependence. Even more signficant than that, I am a firm believer in the concept of Biblical submission of a wife to her husband (a rarity even in some Christian circles, sadly). But I digress...more on that later...

I've never been the girl who always had to have a boyfriend. In fact, sometimes I get to thinking that my strong woman persona has actually been the very thing that has kept men at bay. Despite seasons of giving into the worldly advice to "Dumb youself down" or succumb to false humility (i.e. hiding my gifts/talents, thus failing to steward them and give God glory in the process), I quickly realized that I can't go for long keeping up the impression of lack of strength, talent or intelligence. And I guess (as I've been told by a few male friends), the prospect of a person who doesn't seem to need anything is intimidating. Men quickly deduce that as a 29-year old single woman, there is little they can offer me that I haven't already done or learned to do, due to years of experience out of sheer necessity living in a grown-up world. (That's what THEY think, but Jesus and I know better. I am far from perfect and I have desires/needs that are designed to be fulfilled by a spouse. Though I must admit it is a battle to not awaken those things in my current state. In my singleness, I long for affirmation and affection more than ever...). Yet, through my seasons of struggle and in my times of lack, I have learned not to turn merely to a man, but to trust in God. A fact that I am so thankful for, yet can only hope it is a turn-on and not a deterrant to a potential husband...

Even my boss recently told me that, without a doubt, I will need a strong man for a spouse. Because of my own strength and spiritual maturity, it would take a man who truly knows himself and knows the Lord to lead me. Because, ultimately, despite all my "strength" (God-given, anway), that IS truly my heart: I long to be led. For the past several years, the Lord has so beautifully guided me and bluntly challenged me how to submit. He has trained me with Him, teaching me how to trust His character and guidance as the Lord and leader of my life. And although His leadership will always be the primary and most significant, I am confident that this process of learning to submit to Him, is most certainly preparing me to submit to my husband one day.

Years ago, I read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. While the book encouraged me on so many levels, there is one story in particular that continues to impact me profoundly. It is an admonition of courage for the single man choosing a spouse...

"Most men, you see, marry for safety; they choose a woman who will make them feel like a man but never really challenge them to be one. A young man whom I admire is wrestling between the woman he is dating and one he knew butcould not capture years ago. Rachel, the woman he is currently dating, is asking a lot of him; truth be told, he feels in way over his head. Julie, the woman he did not pursue, seems moreidyllic; in his imagination she would be the perfect mate. Life with Rachel is tumultuous; life with Julie seems calm and tranquil. 'You want the Bahamas,' I said. 'Rachel is the North Atlantic. Which one requires a true man?'"

 What a challenge for the godly man desiring a wife! And how encouraging for a North Atlantic woman like myself... ;)

Preach it, Eldredge!

These days, despite my normal, "What if?" human fears ("What if all the good guys are already taken? What if I'm meant to be single forever?"), I generally tend to "err" on the side of faith. I believe that there ARE men out there who are praying for strong women after God's heart. Over the last year, the Lord has brought numerous godly men across my path, reavealing to me just a glimpse of the strong caliber and character that He is able to cultivate in men who are humbly and passionately committed to Him. And I have to believe that these men--as lovers of God and students of Scripture--know that strength in a woman is not necessarily synonomous with stubbornness or unsubmissiveness. Smart, strong men realize that a woman's godly strength has likely been cultivated by persevering through hard times, growing in faith and developing a daily dependance upon the Holy Spirit. Beautiful irony, isn't it? Godly strength stems from humility and submission.

And strength doesn't back down from a challenge--nor is it afraid to offer one. I might ask a lot of my man, but I hope he asks a lot of me. I pray that, like Jesus, my future husband would love me too much to leave me the way I am. I pray that he would see me as a gift entrusted to him by the Lord--one to steward wisely. That he would look forward to the day when, as a result of his loving leadership, he would present me back to the Lord as something far more beautiful and Christ-like than either of us ever thought possible.

No matter how strong I grow in myself and in the Lord, I believe I will never outgrow that deep desire within me, not to lead, but to be led.

It is no doubt my highest and most beautiful calling in the Kingdom...

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness..."

-Ephesians 5:22-28

Guys vs. The Gospel

"The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God." (1 Corinthians 7:33)

Have you been a good steward of your singleness?

For all the times I asked my students that question, I know that today, I desperately need to ask it to myself...

Because I know that there will come a time when I find myself face-to-face with the Lord, and He will ask me to give an account of how I spent my days here on earth. What will my answer be?

Should I be scared for that day of Judgment?

The Father has given me a lengthened season of singleness (certainly longer than I would have liked...), yet I deeply trust His sovereignty and believe that He is purposefully strategic in all His plans for me. In what feels like a burden--and the very opposite of a blessing---I have come to clearly see that the Lord has bestowed upon me something wonderful and unique. As a 29-year old single woman, I have been given the rare gift of TIME.

Ever the social butterfly, my schedule is rarely void. Some days it seems like I don't have enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I desire to do. Yet, when I hang out with my "mommy and married" friends, I suddenly recognize that I have no right to say that I'm too busy. These friends are juggling jobs, caring for children and serving, supporting and seeking to please their husbands. Very few find the time to serve and love God to the degree that they would like to...

But what's MY excuse? There's no man to make happy, or mouths to feed at the moment. I have all the time in the world to devote to serving my Savior! In my present single state, the Lord CAN truly be the priority in my schedule and the sole object of my desire.

So, why isn't He?

A married friend recently confessed that she always struggled to live out 1 Corinthians 7 as a single. She recognized that it is a wonderful ideal--for single people to choose to remain "spouse-less" so as to devote themselves completely to knowing and serving the Father--yet she (like all of us) fell short of that goal.

"'The unmarried woman is free to focus on the things of the Lord,'" she jokingly paraphrased, "But for most of my singleness, the main thing I was praying about was the fact that I wasn't married!"

Hahahaha! I write that because that describes ME and my thoughts exactly (There really ISN'T anything new under the sun, is there? People are people...especially us single ladies!). Yeah, I'll be real enough to admit that those are significant things that I take to the Lord on a regular basis--my single state, my desire for a husband and my questioning of God's timing in the whole process. While the desire to be married is healthy, legitimate and (I believe) even God-ordained, I do know that I need to seriously re-evaluate my priorities. Big time...

Francis Chan spurred my most recent conviction of this. Last week, I went to a "Coffee Talk" at a local Christian university where Chan was being featured as the main speaker. I find it interesting that people always speak of Chan being so "radical," when really, he just lives out what the Bible says--even and especially when it's counter-cultural. It's insanely humbling that his answers to the questions people ask him are so simple and straight forward. (Biblical answers, he reminds us, usually are. We usually make them more complicated than they really are because they make us uncomfortable...)

One of the last questions that was asked of Chan during the talk was by a girl in her 20's who (like myself and many of my readers) was struggling with her desire to be married. Chan's response was brilliant (allow me to paraphrase)...

We spend way too much time focusing on marriage and family in the Church, he said. When we read Scripture, we see that urgency is associated with the spreading of the Gospel and advancing the Kingdom, not in building families here on earth. Christians spend so much time reading books and getting input about marriage/family that the focus of their lives has become about building a better relationship with their spouse than seeking greater intimacy with God. With an unhealthy, idolatrous focus on spouses and children (good things becoming "god-things"), we have often neglected our mission of making disciples and preaching the love of Christ to the world.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul encourages unmarried people to "stay as they are," and goes so far as to admonish married people to "live as if they have no spouse" (!!! Who says the Bible majors on "family values?"). Paul, like Jesus, always prioritized God over family. "God first, family second and THEN ministry," Chan quoted the little Christian cliche, "What does that even MEAN?" You cannot separate loving God from serving Him! Yet what you CAN do is teach and structure your family in such a way that your marriage/home life reflects what it means to live missionally. Is the purpose of your marriage to be a stronger, more effective team for advancing the Kingdom? Are you and your spouse bringing more glory to God as a couple than you were as singles? Are you teaching your children how to love and serve others, and to make disciples everywhere they go? THAT should be the purpose and goal of the family.

"My whole life is a mission trip," Chan said. 

As it should be...  :)

It's ridiculous how Satan uses something as GOOD as marriage (God's beautiful allegory for showing His supreme faithfulness, commitment and incredible love towards His bride) and twist it to become an idol. Obsession with marriage, a spouse or even the idea of a potential spouse, can easily disintegrate our true reason for existing on Earth. Being wrapped up in another human being--even our own spouse, even our own children--has the damaging potential to diminish our sense of urgency to spread the Gospel.

And it clearly does all the time. I see far more sermon series on "Marriage and Parenting" than I do on "Evangelism and Serving the Poor." Likewise, we experience far more divorce than we do revival...

God is pretty clear in Scripture as to who and what should be the priority of our lives: We are called to "Seek first the Kingdom." Everything else, by default, must be considered secondary...

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions."

1 Corinthians 7 challenges me like none other. It forces me to narrow my focus, always bearing in mind the urgency of the day. It reminds me to ask myself: Am I easily distracted by the cares of this world? Am I fixing my eyes on guys instead of on Jesus?

These are questions I must ask every single day. I know I can only make plans based on TODAY, recognizing that everything can change in an instant. The time and freedom that I have right now might last for two years or two weeks. All I know for sure is that the Lord's plan for me is still unfolding. I can't claim to know what He is up to or where He is taking me. Who knows how long my singleness will last?

But instead of dwelling on that question, I know there is really only one ultimate question I need to be asking about my singleness...

Am I truly making the most of it?

The Irony of Allure

They say you're never more beautiful than when you're in love...

Yet the seasons where I have been in love have been nothing less than dramatic (in the most negative sense of the word), typically because the love was unrequited (by him) or unwanted (inconvenient for me). In the wake of such heartache, it's always a struggle to pass the mirror without focusing immediately on my flaws. Seeing myself as a sexual person, let alone the object of a man's desire, is the last thing on my mind when it seemed the first thing to be attacked (via rejection). When I feel rejected, my beauty seems distant, even divorced from who I am.

Perhaps that first statement would be more accurate if it read like this:

"You're never more beautiful than when you KNOW you are loved."

The beauty of love comes not just from feeling something for someone else, but in experiencing someone else feeling that something towards you. To be the object of affection; to be singled out as special; to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are desired. As women, few things make us feel more alive.

This is the reason why girls with boyfriends continue to get checked out, asked out...even intensely pursued by other men. Knowing you are loved stirs a confidence within you which can't help but attract others. You walk taller; you smile more freely; you exude joy and peace because you are comfortable in your own skin. Basking in the love of a special someone, it's as though you actually are more physically beautiful because you suddenly believe that you are.

To paraphrase John and Stasi Eldredge in Captivating, a woman's beauty truly shows (interestingly enough) when she is NOT striving to be attractive. Beauty, they say, is unveiled. It is not put on when we dress up or apply more makeup. How beautifully ironic that genuine beauty comes out naturally--through confidence, peacefulness and feeling loved--not through anything we can add to ourselves.

So the coveted "secret" to being beautiful is found not in working hard to become so, but in becoming what you already are.

“What if you have a genuine and captivating beauty that is marred only by your striving?” -Stasi Eldredge

I am both convicted and saddened that I have spent so much of my young life striving to fix my flaws and conjure up false beauty, only to neglect to unveil the beauty already inside me.

In my current state, I can't deny that the greatest temptations I'm fighting at the moment are striving and seduction ("I'll take S-Words for 300, Alex..." A lil nod to all you SNL Celebrity Jeopardy fans). I admit that I am very much struggling with my desire for male attention--the extreme irony of which compelled me to write this post tonight.

It's ironic, you see, because just a few months ago, in the midst of being pursued, I was all too aware that I was always being noticed by other men around me. While I did nothing to invite their looks and advances, the sexual attention seemed a constant companion. I wasn't aiming for eyes to be on me, yet I could sense just how attractive I was to so many men simply because I genuinely felt beautiful. Feeling truly sought after by one special man, I couldn't help but allow the beauty inside me to overflow freely to the whole world...

But that was then. Today, I am plagued by those aforementioned S-words (along with a slew of others...sin, selfishness, spiritual warfare...just to name a few). If I'm completely honest, at present it is a battle to believe I am beautiful. I strive and seduce in attempts to prove my attractiveness, which (incidentally) gets me nowhere because any attractiveness conjured is simply "put on." It is no longer my own beauty...

And when I'm even more honest, I can admit that that extra effort (striving) is only exerted because I am afraid. Afraid that I am not (beautiful) enough. I am convicted to the core, because I know that that fear can mean only one thing: Agape love has not yet been perfected in me. Because if I really knew I was loved, I wouldn't be afraid. The radically perfect love of my Father would destroy those petty fears. Soaking up His unfathomable desire for me, I would be able to surrender all my efforts to gain favor and turn heads. I would be content in knowing who I am. I would freely allow beauty to shine through me without shame. My prayer is that I would come to have deeper faith in that kind of Love.

Lord, help me sense Your relentless pursuit of me. Allow me to see myself the way You see me. Let me live as a woman who knows she is loved...

"For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears..."

-Zephaniah 3:17



Pseudo-Boyfriends

"We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together. 

But we sure make it feel like we're together..."

-Drake, "Doing It Wrong"

I never thought I'd be the kinda girl who finds transformative revelation in a rap song. Yet, this lyric haunts me. This has been much of my relational experience throughout my twenties--developing "friendlationships" marked by intense emotional investment, devoid of commitment. Relationships where we certainly acted like we were together, but we were "just friends" all along. So, when I share my dating/crush/relationships stories, it's not your typical list. Well-versed in the ways of the "DTR" and having experienced my fair share of heartbreak without actual break-ups, I know all about pseudo-boyfriends. 

"I am a whore, I do confess..." says Derek Webb in his brilliant spiritual allegory "Wedding Dress." Lately, I find myself singing that line under my breath...

Because I know it's absolutely true. While I have been dilligent to maintain my physical purity, I desperately wish that I had transferred that self-control into emotional abstinence as well. I have given myself away more times than I care to count. I have loved "uncarefully"--which is both beautiful and essential for living out true the true Agape love we are called to as believers. Yet, when improperly motivated and guided, "uncareful love" can easily become foolish. There is a difference between loving "uncarefully" and flat-out "carelessly." 

I know I'm being careless with my love when I completely disregard the still small voice that prompts me to hold back, to slow down...to walk in wisdom. When my heart gets wrapped up in a person or situation (romantic or otherwise), the communicator in me runs around passionately wild and (often) unrestrained. Likewise, the relator in me so longs to connect with others that I begin to confess without contemplation. Lacking the proper restraint and reflection, the actions that stem from pure and well-intentioned desires quickly turn sinful, selfish and frankly, stupid. In neglecting some pretty significant fruits of the Spirit (namely patience and self control), I so easily toss wisdom to the wind. Wisdom like Proverbs 10:19 that reminds me that "Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut." Oh, snap. When I turned my back on wisdom, foolishness was all too happy to step in and take it's place. 

When I throw away those key Holy Spirit fruits, it's not like I'm completely fruitless...I've just acquired different fruits in my life. Rotten ones, unfortunately. I've discovered that the fruit of foolishness is heartbreak. And the thing that sucks is that I can clearly see my own foolishness in the whole pseudo-boyfriend process...now that my heart is broken.

My hope is that my hindsight can at least save someone else from the heart-break of foolish decisions...

Because I know I'm not the only one with an affinity (clearly subconsciously) for the psedo-boyfriend. Nearly all of my girlfriends have told me stories. Note "stories" with an "s." We usually haven't recognized this negative pattern until several such "friendlationships" have been unintentionally collected under our belts...or more accurately, ushered naively (albeit excitedly) into our hearts.

What does "pseudo-boyfriend" look like, you ask? Well, here is the amalgam I've created from my own fake BF's, along with characteristics recently (and repeatedly!) mentioned by friends. (Sad but true fact: Pretty much every single girl I know has or is currently getting over a pseudo-boyfriend at the moment. Goes to show that even us smart girls can make some dumb decisions...).

Profile of a Pseudo-Boyfriend/Friendlationship:

-Constant communication (texting, FB, Skype, etc), deep conversations and confessing/counseling each other through emotional/spiritual struggles.

-Looking to each other for emotional fulfilment and companionship (investing a lot of time into getting to know and developing significant friendship with the other person). Of course you have other friends, but there is no denying that you both gravitate towards each other's company/listening ear more often than with other people.

-Romantic expression/tension--engaging in flirting, casual inuendo (don't act so holy, you Christians...) and talking about your mutual attraction to one another. This romantic element may or may not involve a physical relationship ("friends with benefits" definitely falls under the pseudo-boyfriend category in my opinion).

Hmmm...sounds like a real relationship, doesn't it?

So, now is the prime time to ask: If you have this kind of "friendship" with an attractive member of the opposite sex, why AREN'T you dating?

My recent revelation is that there is only one thing separates the fake version from the actual boyfriend. Forgive the anti-climactic answer, but that one (key!) thing is COMMITMENT. Rather, the pseudo-boyfriend exhibiting a complete lack there-of (forgive the stereotype, but 9 times out of 10, this falls on the guy. Read on...).

Many a pseudo-boyfriend has made lame excuses for this lack of commitment, including the infamous lines of "I'm just not ready for a relationship" or "I just think of you like a sister."

Ha! That's kind of hilarious, boys...Not ready for a relationship, but willing to be so vulnerable with your heart and allow a girl to freely share hers with you (via deep conversation)? Denying attraction, but willing to invest hours to keep her companionship--typically accompanying that friendship with blatant (intentional?) romantic/sexual undertones? (Who's the tease now?)

Um, yeah. About that...

Lest I digress and turn this into a male-bashing fest (I'm not that girl...), allow me to turn the tables on the ladies and share a lil truth in love (to myself included). While the pseudo-boyfriend status is typically generated by the guy in the "friendlationship" (as the man, he is, after all, the one with "the say" as to whether or not he wants to truly pursue and commit), us girls are in the wrong when we stoop to going along with it.

We might not consider ourselves insecure or lacking self-respect, yet that's exactly what we are when we allow ourselves to settle for such relationships. Instead of picking up our Superfox-selves and moving on to someone worthy, we come up with a myriad of excuses for pseudo-boyfriend's lack of pursuit and commitment. 

Step back for a minute, however, and it suddenly all becomes clear: When we are willing to invest, but he isn't willing to commit, we are being used for the emotional and/or physical benefits we are so freely giving away to these men.

And by staying in these friendlationships, we're giving the okay to be sucked dry emotionally or taken advantage of physically. (Although we say that we're the ones in control and that it's not hurting us emotionally to stay in the friendship, just try telling that to the alcohol and ice cream in the aftermath of the "break up"...).

I always prided myself on not settling when it comes to men and relationships. But what the heck else is the pseudo-boyfriend if not settling for a romantic-looking/seeming relationship without making it necessary for him to commit to me?

Ladies, listen to me: WE ARE SETTLING when we give so much of our time, caring and the deepest parts of our heart to men who won't work to woo us. The sad reality is, in these situations of subtle settling, these men don't even need to exert any effort to win us. We have already exposed ourselves--speaking too quickly and allowing them access to our hearts without question. They really did have us at "Hello." At the first spark of interest, we held little to nothing back...

But here is an even greater truth: You and I don't have to live in guilt about our mistakes in this area. We don't have to keep on settling for pseudo-boyfriends and fake relationships. We need to be confident of what the Lord has destined and designed godly relationships to be. We need to know what we are worth...

As daughters of the Almighty King, we are worth being treated with love and respect. We deserve to have bold, godly men who have the emotional strength and Spirit-led confidence to pursue us. We deserve men who are willing to commit to exclusive relationships, forsaking all other possibilities and choosing to trust God's ability to transform them into strong leaders, even when they don't feel "ready." We deserve men who consistently express care for us, showing us that they genuinely can love us like Christ--with actions faithfully marked by servanthood and sacrifice.

And I know, without a doubt, that these men exist. The Lord has been so faithful to show me them EVERYWHERE (yes, even in Sacramento!). Yet, my problem comes when I rush ahead--when I don't wait to be pursued, but instead, seek to turn a friendship into something more by my own effort.

I've come to realize that I am settling even if the man I'm interested in is amazing, but I'm the one in control. Because is that really what I want? To have to convince the man of my dreams--my "list" in flesh and blood form--why he should be with me? Of course not! There is no greater form of "settling," in my opinion, than feeling like I was the one who made the relationship happen....

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a romantic. I want the man to know it's me. I want him to pursue me and commit to me, not because I pressured him into it, but because he knows in his heart that I am the only one he wants.

So, farewell, pseudo-boyfriends. The "man drama" that has jokingly (albeit truthfully) marked my life over the last year is a thing of the past: I know what I am worth. I know what I want.

And what I truly want is what God wants for me: The best. All in His timing and by His leading.

I won't settle for anything less...

Pints of Beer and Ben & Jerry's

"Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is only temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing. Our goal is to help you turn your breakup into the event that changes your life for the better. After all, you are a Superfox..."

-Intro to "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken"

This past summer, when The Virgin Verdict was yet in mere infancy, a friend handed me this book (subtitled "The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy"), suggesting I read it and come up with some humorous little review/tongue-in-cheek commentary/incredibly profound post regarding a worldly perspective vs. a Biblical perspective of breaking up.

Well, the book I read (after all, I was on the job hunt back then. Free time was a beautifully abundant thing...). And I must say, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" was hilarious, sad and revelatory, all at the same time. Despite it's fascinating content, however, I quickly dismissed the thought of writing a post about it. After all, I wasn't even in a relationship at the time, let alone experiencing the immediate intensity of post-breakup pain. Would I truly be able to do such a post justice, two years removed from such an incident? 

Little did I know, six months after reading that book, I would be in desperate need of some emotional Superglue for my freshly broken heart. Upon re-examining both "Break-Up Buddy"'s sassy advice and the Bible's sound wisdom, here goes my suddenly relevant take on brokenness and loss...

If you ever pick up a copy of "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken" at your local bookstore (or, more realistically, seek out your virtual copy while perusing Amazon.com), you can't help but smile at the cartoon photo on the cover. Here...I'll help you with the visual...

What better image to symbolize a break-up than a pint of Ben & Jerry's? Hahaha! It makes me think of the brilliant (albeit brief) scene in Bride Wars where Anne Hathaway calls several of her closest friends the minute she gets engaged. The camera quickly shifts to one of the girls on the other end of the line--happily congratulating her friend in an excited tone, whilst simultaneously reaching into the freezer to grab some remedial Mint Chocolate Chip. I laugh and cringe at the same time, knowing this is exactly what we so often do. To assuage the pain of rejection, crushed dreams or our own seeming "failure" in light of the relational success of others (i.e. "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride..." struggles), we indulge ourselves in any and every kind of comfort we can get our hands-on. Take the pint, for instance, whether it's beer or Ben & Jerry's, food and alcohol seem to be the most common rescuers to run to post-break up. They make us happy. They make us forget.

At least for temporarily...

But even if we're not binging or getting buzzed, I can guarantee that we're finding comfort in other (equally unhealthy) ways. Maybe we're devoting hours and hours to working out, in attempts to perfect the imperfect bodies we assume might be the cause of the rejection. Maybe we're sleep the days away, seeking solace in self-pity and escape. And maybe still, we're clinging to the ever tried and true break-up advice: "The best way to get over someone is to..." (If you don't know the ending of that clever little cliche, I'll let your clever little self figure it out on your own. Just think about the opposite of getting over someone. Literally...).

As I survey that little list, I am ashamed to admit that images bombard my mind of me doing every single one of those things lately...although certainly not to the extreme. I am, after all, a Christian ;)

Seriously, though, in the past two months, I have become all too aware of my very un-Christian methods of coping in my brokeness...all of which can be excused as "just normal" and "not that bad" compared to what the rest of non-believing society does when they call it quits. Sure, I'm not getting drunk, but I know that that glass of wine becomes more signficantly soothing when my heart hurts. And clearly (seeing as I haven't changed the title of my blog), I haven't actually indulged in that last cheeky coping mechanism. Even still, I can't deny my shameless flirting and search for "replacement options" a mere 30-minutes post "the talk" (yes, it happened that quickly...). 

These are the world's ways--just tempered by a bit of self-control and restrained by conviction.

The Bible calls these things idols--the "other lovers" we run to in exchange for the One that can truly comfort our hearts. And never, I'm convinced, do we come more face to face with our idols, than in our brokenness.

Just when I thought I was consistently committed to walking with God and finding my comfort in Him alone, upon losing someone I love--being rejected by a person I deeply care about--I suddenly realized just what I was really allowing to uphold me. Yes, some of it was the Lord. I was still seeking Him reguarly and consistently ministering to others. Yet, I also realize that so much of my foundation at that time was built on the presence of this other person. Even a few weeks removed from the "break up" (the reason for the quotes is a whole other post in and of itself), I could see just how much my comfort, emotional well-being and confidence were wrapped up in a mere man.

On the heels of the revelation that this man was really an idol in my life, came the revelation of my frantic search to run to anything and everything to find comfort for the dissolving of my primary source of comfort. Let me just say that those two revelations are not pretty: Realizing that, even as a believer, your hope has not (at least in a practical sense) been fully in God...and to make matters worse, once you recognize your (false sense of) hope is lost, you run to anything BUT God to ease the pain.

Bleh...I really DO need a Saviour...

Despite what "Break Up Buddy" assures me (that I am a Superfox and the guy who rejected me is an idiot), I know that I need truth more substantial than cute cliches to boost my confidence. I need comfort deeper and more lasting than booze, brownies or body sculpting can provide. And I know that time won't actually heal my wounds--just lessen the sting until the fateful day when I unexpectedly run into my old comfort in the embrace of someone new--and the pain suddenly resurfaces. The world's hope ceners itself on these things--self-esteem, comfort, distraction and the passing of time to distance us from our hurt. Funny how all those "hopes" are fluxuating and finite. Each can, and inevitably will, dissapoint as it slowly loses it's power to make things better.

But I know that I know that true Hope does not dissapoint. I am convinced that inner healing from the Holy Spirit is not only real, but that it can transform us completely. As we are submitted to Him and His ways, the Lord is subtlely but most certainly at work in themidst of our painful experiences, using them to mold us into truer reflections of His Son.

It may be "called a break up because it is broken," but I know brokenness doesn't have to be in vain...

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

-Psalm 34:18

Sex Without Guilt (Guest post)

Ahem...so, life has been just a bit ridiculous lately...hence the lack of posts :) YET...endless thoughts, ideas and yes, BLOGS are swirling around in my head, awaiting expression at the proper time. But until I get a spare moment to sit down and write, I want to feed my faithful readers with some words from a good friend. Sarah is a beautiful girl with an absolutely incredible testimony of God's faithfulness and redemption. Over the past few weeks as Sarah and I have been chatting over coffee, we have found incredible encouragement and revelation through each other's stories. We're both facing a shockingly similar situation at the moment and I know that the Lord put us in each other's lives to minister His truth and perspective to one another in this challenging season.

Tonight, I was reading her blog (Spilled Perfume--you can check it out here) and it made me smile because we're both so similar. Here's to single ladies sharing honest confessions about striving after self-control in the arena of sexuality! As Australians would say, "G'd on ya, girl!" :)

Here goes Sarah...

I’ve spent a lot of time these days thinking of getting married, wondering who that guy is and when I will meet him, or if I’ve already met him but have been too scared to talk to him.  I wrote a letter to him tonight in my notebook called Faceless.  It’s a notebook full of letters to him.  It will be a wedding gift.  He can’t read it until we’re married.

Tonight I wrote my fifth letter to him, and very nearly cried as the truth came out on those pages – the truth that I’m tired of waiting for him to get here.

I know most people don’t freely talk about this, but I’m not most people.  I’m tired of being abstinent!  I want a man I can actually marry, that I can actually have sex with and not have to feel ashamed about it.  I’ve never had sex without feeling shame, because I’ve never had sex inside of a committed relationship.  I want to marry someone trustworthy, and have full permission to sleep with him as often as I want.

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  (I Corinthians 7:4)

A speaker I heard at a concert a few weeks ago said, “Do you know why God gives you a sex drive years before you get married? Because when you get married, you will be offering your spouse something you had to FIGHT to keep.”  I love that!

Well, I am definitely fighting to keep my sexual purity. It’s a battle, even a daily battle.  It would be so easy to flirt with those coworkers who always want in my pants.  It would be so easy to get frustrated at being single, and just go out to a bar and go home with someone.  It would be so easy.  But it wouldn’t be satisfying.  It would result in shame and regret.

The last time I had a one night stand, I picked myself up surprisingly quickly, but that’s only because I’ve grown so much in the last few years.  I don’t live by shame anymore; I live by faith in Christ.  I only succeed in life because of the tremendous grace God lavishes on me day in and day out.  No joke.

But I really long for that day when I can have sex with a clear conscience for the first time in my life.  I really crave that day, and I crave that experience.  And I get impatient, wondering how long it’s gonna take...

Sigh. Me too, Sarah. All I can say is something a friend wrote to me earlier this week:

"Waiting reveals the weakness in our own plans..."

Clearly God is up to things we can't see or understand. The longer we wait, the more we see that our own plans don't always align with His. Rather, we realize they are packed full of little holes, slowly seeping out sin and selfishness. But keeping us "in the wait" is God' incredible way of protecting us and saving us for His absolute best.

It's not foolish to hope. Because true hope, based on God's sovereign and perfect plan, will never disapoint...